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Correspondence (revision)

Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:33 am
by Macavity
revision

An Aynsley vase of plastic daffodils
now gathers dust. Alone, she writes with pencil
shaping this hum to word and reads aloud
to taste the flavours, touch textures of sound.

He sips brandy and reads in solitude
that page where letters stare so weathered old
in graphite grey; with loving care his thumb
smudges a cloud, a word no longer heard

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original

An Aynsley vase of plastic daffodils
now gathers dust. Alone she writes with pencil
shaping this hum to word, and reads aloud
to taste a flavour, touch a texture of sound.

He sips a brandy, reads in solitude
a page where letters stare so weathered old
in graphite grey, until with care his thumb
smudges a cloud, a word no longer heard.

Re: South of Dove Cottage

Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 9:07 am
by dedalus
shaping this hum to word, and reads aloud
to taste a flavour, touch a texture of sound.
I like this very much!

Have a nice Christmas and all the best in the New Year!

Re: South of Dove Cottage

Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 11:48 am
by David
This is very different from the original, isn't it, mac? And I liked the original, but I like this too. You've lost the knight, and that sort of pre-Raphaelite air it had before. This seems like a much more domestic scene, but perhaps I misunderstood the original in that sense.

Not really getting the significance of the title. Is it geography, pure and simple? Surely not.

I need to give this a bit more thought.

Cheers

David

Re: South of Dove Cottage

Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 7:07 pm
by Richard
I love the atmosphere of this, esp s2. I am not at all sure I understand the daffodil reference. Do I need to?

Best

Richard

Re: William

Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2012 10:26 pm
by Macavity
Thanks Bren, David and Richard. Sorry about the title David. It is not a revision, just a connection. I will edit the title to avoid confusion.

cheers

mac

Re: William

Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 2:18 pm
by Antcliff
Mac,

I'm muddled about the title. At first I think Wordsworth...but since they are plastic daffs it will be more recent. But then I am still puzzled about the title.

Seth

Re: William

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:25 am
by Macavity
hi Seth,
I think you are nearly there on the intention. I'm playing with daffodils, clouds, William in the present against the context of the past.

cheers

mac

Re: William

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 2:20 am
by pseud
I feel like this wants to be iambic pentameter and with a few tweaks, could be without sounding forced.

On the other hand, I know that many on here (myself included) sometimes stray from strict adherence.

Here's a proposal:

An Aynsley vase of plastic daffodils
now gathers dust. Alone she writes with pencil
to shape this hum to word, and read aloud
to taste a flavour, touch the edge (?) of sound.

He sips a brandy, reads in solitude
(that?) ** page where letters stare so weathered old
in graphite grey, until with care his thumb
has smudged a cloud; a word no longer heard.


** "weathered old" means familiarity to me

I feel the obsessive-compulsion taking over, and I get annoyed when people do this to my poems, so I'll stop there.

- pseud

Re: William

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 8:17 am
by Macavity
I feel the obsessive-compulsion taking over, and I get annoyed when people do this to my poems, so I'll stop there.
Open invite Caleb...I don't get annoyed, I'm just glad that people can be bothered!

I would say that I would use a trochee or a headless iambic at the beginning of a line for variation. I'm also picking my way through Timothy Steele's book, especially the parts on 'modulating' a line : http://www.amazon.co.uk/All-Funs-How-Th ... 969&sr=8-1

Anyway many thanks for looking and I will ponder your suggestions in true WW style - after I've gone for a walk in some rain soaked hills!

cheers

mac

Re: William

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 2:36 pm
by twoleftfeet
I like how S1 appears to be set in the past, in comparison to S2 at least - but S1 must be modern because of the plastic flowers, even though the title and word-plays makes the reader think of Bill W.

I also like the contradictory juxtaposition of "care" with "smudge".

Like Caleb, I kept wanting to put the the rhythm into a tighter straitjacket as I read - otherwise what would poor Bill make of it!? :)

Geoff

Re: Correspondence (revision)

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:08 pm
by Macavity
I kept wanting to put the the rhythm into a tighter straitjacket as I read - otherwise what would poor Bill make of it
Thanks Geoff. I think old Bill's shadow was clouding my mind. I've nudged him into the background. I'm not ready for the straightjacket yet!

cheers

mac

Re: William

Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 11:25 pm
by pseud
pseud wrote:I get annoyed when people do this to my poems...
Actually I don't get annoyed, I don't know why I wrote that.

I like the edits, and the new title.

Cheers,

Caleb/pseud

Re: William

Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 7:52 pm
by Macavity
pseud wrote:
I like the edits, and the new title.

Cheers,

Caleb/pseud

Thanks for checking this out again Caleb and the thumbs up.

appreciated

mac

Re: Correspondence (revision)

Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 3:02 am
by ljordan
The sounds are lovely, a pleasant mix. But it seems to pose the problem of when making the metrical sounds come out right we might miss or aggravate some sense. The last line for instance is stretched to meet pentameter needs, but in doing do so infers a strange redundancy with cloud and word. I feel beat over the head with its repetitive sense of fading, loss, missing, or without substance. What if you drop 'cloud' and went with somthing like: 'smudges a word she has longed to hear.' Not quite, but closer to the sense of the poem. I really like the opening sentence. It creates an exposition with a back story; the vase once did more than gather dust.

delightful.

Re: Correspondence (revision)

Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 12:15 pm
by Macavity
ljordan wrote: The last line for instance is stretched to meet pentameter needs, but in doing do so infers a strange redundancy with cloud and word. I feel beat over the head with its repetitive sense of fading, loss, missing, or without substance. What if you drop 'cloud' and went with somthing like: 'smudges a word she has longed to hear.'
Fair point Larry. 'Cloud' is in there for referencing Wordsworth, for the visual, for replacing creative with destructive etc. Though I do take your point.

cheers

mac