The move from London to Wales, 1978

[Mic]

From my bedroom window
I can see the rope-swing
dad has made us, slung
from the branch of an elm;

the tree's roots, footholds
for the short scramble up the slope,
are bone white, and from the top

is our view,
stretched over slow-moving clouds
to the small mountains.

The little ones giggle
and squabble next door,
jeans rolled-up

as they trample washing
in a bath of reddening water —
like making wine, mum tells them.

Later, after the rain stops
we will each swing to our highest point - and jump.



Edit: 'purple-hued' removed

Original

From my bedroom window
I can see the rope-swing
dad has made us, slung
from the branch of an elm;

the tree's roots, footholds
for the short scramble up the slope,
are bone white, and from the top

is our view,
stretched over slow-moving clouds
to the small, purple-hued mountains.

My younger siblings giggle
and squabble next door,
jeans rolled-up

as they trample washing
in a bath of reddened water —
like making wine, mum tells them.

Later, after the rain stops
we will each swing to our highest point - and jump.

[ray miller]

Enjoyed this. Maybe -and jump - should have a line of its own. I wondered why you'd describe mountains as small. Then I thought London - mountains? So are they not mountains really?

[Antcliff]

Hi Mic
stopping by for cup of tea, (Got a biscuit? You only had those old custard creams last time I called).

I have just been struck by the thought of how many of your poems....snow one+schoolyard one+this...feature going to/coming from themes. Mic = poet of exits+entrances.

I like the ending a lot.
However I was (like Ray) a bit puzzled by purple mountains...but perhaps because it immediately reminded me of the "purple mountains majesties" of America the Beautiful.

Seth

[Mic]

Dear Ray and Seth,

Thanks for commenting - I was beginning to think this one might sink!

The mountains are real. We moved from Highgate to a house at the top of a mountain in the middle of Wales in 1978.

'small' - just because I was trying to think of a different way of saying 'distant' mountains! That idea of how big things that are far away look small. Purple - I seem to remember the mountains had this purple/blue tinge in the rain.

Would it help, do you think, if I retitled the poem "The move from London to Wales, 1978"?

Ray - I did think about the 'and jump' being on the last line, but it felt a bit too much of a 'ta-daaa!' thing.

Ta

Mic

[Mic]

Seth,

Will stale cake and a 1/4 pint of Harveys do you?

"A poet of exits and entrances" - I might well use that! (Interesting also given my theatrical background - parents are actors). Who was it that said an exit is simply an entrance elsewhere? I like that idea.

Mic

[Antcliff]

Mic,
stale cake + small ale will do.

yes..the "Wales" in title would have helped me at least.What welsh mountain by the way?

Actors..well, well. How funny!

Seth

[James Major]

Subtle handling of two sentences. The story is all in that final verb. But I wonder could you change it. The single short syllable is correct but I want something more-- what exactly I'm not sure, something more telling after the description; a word so meaningful will resonate throughout the poem. Also S2 might read better, might, if you had: XXXXXX bone white from our.......or, bone white from.....

Very much enjoyed the the telling here.
Regards

[Mic]

Seth,

We were in Powys, near Long Mountain (I think it was called). Our old 16th century cottage was called Pen-y-fron (top of the hill).

Dad did a fair amount of acting when he was younger - mostly West End musicals (Oliver! Robert and Elizabeth) but nothing big. I remember coming home from school watching him in crossroads when I was 6 or 7, and there was one episode that mum was in too!

I've posted a link of him in a scene with Ann Bancroft (he was 15) in a film called the Pumpkin Eater in the film discussion forum. He had a bigger part a few years later in a film called Goodbye Mr. Chips.

Mic

[Mic]

Thanks James.
Re. S2 - you have certainly hit on a wrinkle in the piece - I struggled with this section, and am not quite happy with it.
I'll keep thinking about that Jump line.

Mic

[Nash]

This is just lovely Michaela.

I really like the steps being worn through the bark of the elm roots being 'bone white', for me this gives such a strong visual and textural image.

I also like the 'small' mountains. I know that you mentioned that you were just trying to give the impression of distance, but I think it also gives them an insignificance, as though your new home is bigger and more important than anything else. Not so sure about 'purple-hued' though, perhaps describing distant landscapes as purple is bit over-used? Also, by omitting it you're just left with 'small mountains', which I rather like.

I think that S4 and S5 are the weakest points for me, I'm just not sure how much they add. We already know that you have siblings because you've told us that your dad made the swing for "us". Having said that I do quite like the idea of the "reddened water", but I feel as though I want it to be a metaphor for something, but I'm not sure it is. Or is it?

The final two lines are perfect. Absolutely perfect!

Thanks, I really enjoyed this one,
Nash.

[Antcliff]

Poem for Mic

Jump, let loose into the air.
And then you stop,
not falling, not rising,
and look around bemused.
"When will I land?", you ask,
remaining in suspension.
An Ice Cream Man passes by,
but you do not want a cornet.
Wait, uncertain,
"How will the story end?", you ask,
still in the air,
getting in the way of flies
who are just doing their business.
The swallows get snooty.
"Are you a bird or girl?", they wonder.
Hours pass,
and tortoises
stroll slowly under your feet,
thinking you are a cloud.
They hope you are not grey.
Until a kangeroo calls by, jumps,
and lifts you down, kindly,
from the sky.


hope you like it!

[Mic]

Thanks Nash.

I accept your point about the purple-hued (I was wanting the rhyme with view, of course, but agree that I shouldn't sacrifice freshness for incidental ryhme). I will try out "small mountains".

s4 and s5 - hmmm. I do know what you mean. No, no metaphor - It is literal description. I suppose I wanted to give a sense the activity going on elsewhere in the house and to build more of a sense of the children, and, having already mentioned dad, bring in a mention of mum. I was kind of thinking of the elm tree/roots/branch being a metaphor for family - and the swing and the children jumping off into the view. This was my intention. Who knows what of this comes across (or if it even matters!). I will think more about this section though.

The final two lines are perfect. Absolutely perfect!

Mic

[Mic]

Thanks Seth!

Mic

[Nicky B]

Mic,

Just to add to the general positive vibe I also really enjoyed this - it's both gentle and engaging. Not always easy to be both.

I do think the jump may be better on the final line. A little "ta-dah" every now and again is no bad thing, and it wouald balance the verse structures a little. But equally I see your point about not being overly dramatic here.

It's much better without the purple. I kept breaking out into "All things bright and beautiful, ...... , the purple headed mountain, the river running by, he made.. etc. etc.) - be grateful you're not in ear shot!!

Lovely stuff,

Nicky B.

[James Major]

Hello Mic, coming back to this. I feel that the verb jump is probably right, but it's significance isn't ringing as it should because the metaphor of the swing hasn't been well enough established: I can guess at it's relevance, of course, but the move from one home to another hasn't been foreshadowed for me to be so emotionally involved. You have created a kind of clock-ticking stasis, perhaps the mountain section could have a dab more detail of what was left behind......Anyhow, this is all just personal taste, so feel free to ignore all of the above.

Regards

[Suzanne]

Hi Mic,

I'm not going to read all the replies before I respond. I like this and the title is a nice overlay even though it doesn't say anything about moving. What it does say is that the family is tightly tied together in experiencing the newness of the location, therefore a move seems logical. I liked it.

I enjoy the mood and the details you have included. They are very real and home-like.

I don't like the flow of the for first half, somehow the line breaks or short sentences lend a choppy read. The flow seems stifled to me even though the images are pleasing.

Suzanne

[Mic]

Thanks Nicky.

I'm still not sure about where to jump! But my instinct is to keep it on the same line.

I love to be within earshot of someone singing!

Mic

[Mic]

James - 'clock-ticking stasis' - what a great phrase. I wonder if I were to insert a 'Here,' in the first line might go somewhere towards underlining the change in place...

Mic

[Mic]

Thanks Suzanne. Funny you should mention the short lines of the first part; my first draft had longer opening lines. Hmm...!

Mic

[Nash]

I wonder if I were to insert a 'Here,' in the first line might go somewhere towards underlining the change in place...

Just as a point of reference Michaela, I think the change of place is covered in the title The move from London to Wales, 1978. It's not England to Wales, it's not London to Cardiff (as an example). It's specifically London (which denotes to me urban sprawl) to Wales (which, to me at least, denotes vast mountainous landscapes).

And I like ' and jump' just where it is. I think that giving it its own line would be a bit too obvious. I'm even a little unsure about the hyphen that precedes it.

[Mic]

Just as a point of reference Michaela, I think the change of place is covered in the title The move from London to Wales, 1978. It's not England to Wales, it's not London to Cardiff (as an example). It's specifically London (which denotes to me urban sprawl) to Wales (which, to me at least, denotes vast mountainous landscapes).

I had hoped that might be the case.

I've removed the hyphen.

Thanks Nash,

Mic

[ljordan]

M. I think the change to small mountains works to shift the attention to the slope and resolves my comment from elsewhere. I liked the original ending with the hyphen because it pointed to the title and inferred much of the experience of such a move. There may be some issues with time as the jump is occurring after the move, but I it still works for me in that such a move implies other shifts besides the physical. Not making any sense any more, but I think the reader needs the pausing emphasis of the dash, without it the verb has only this sentence to play with.

larry

[Magpie Jane]

Michaela, what I like most about your poem is its wonderful sense of presence.
I really get the impression that you're there, in that place you describe; and that makes it such a satisfying read.
The elm, the small mountains, the giggling children, the spirit of place, all of it comes through perfectly alive.

I have a small 'issue' with the word siblings. Since these are the observations of a child, or a very young person, would "siblings" be a natural choice? Mind you, this may be a case of 'just me'; I find the word a tad too clinical in this context. No major complaint though.

The whole thing is a creature of great loveliness. Not least the ending.

Jane

[Mic]

but it still works for me in that such a move implies other shifts besides the physical.

I was hoping this might be the case. Thanks Larry. And the hyphen, no hyphen, separate line thing re that jump is still up in the air

Mic

[Mic]

Thanks Jane, for those lovely comments.

have a small 'issue' with the word siblings. Since these are the observations of a child, or a very young person, would "siblings" be a natural choice? Mind you, this may be a case of 'just me'; I find the word a tad too clinical in this context. No major complaint though.

I share your concern about siblings. I had considered doing it like this:

The little ones giggle
and squabble next door,
jeans rolled-up

but felt uncomfortable about 'little ones' coming so soon after 'small mountains' --- dunno!

Mic