Prayer for the Aquarium (Revision)

[Wilcken]

.

I look at my wrist,
watch again
for your car in the lot.

Where did you go, daddy long legs?

Idling my time
through a bowl full of pompom cat toys
I ponder the fourth joyful mystery:
obedience and purity of heart.

I like to push my fingers underneath and squeeze.

Which reminds me. How long
since the milk snake fed?
She is empty by now.

I head down the aisle.

Let me not be afraid of the dark
eyes of the rat, heat escaping
from its tail; the mantis, silent
and still; or the nocturnal
plecostomus, sucking
on the glass wall.

When you return I hear bells
jingling as the screen door opens
and slaps shut. Your pockets full
of sound. Keys and loose coins.

I pinch my cheeks, smooth my blouse.

You turn to the birds.

I walk right past the freezer.
Live mice. Violet night.
The cage is open.




Original:

.
I like to push my fingers
Underneath and ______________squeeze.
Which reminds me: eight days
Since the milk snake fed.
She is empty by now.

I head down the aisle. N

I'm not afraid of the dark
Eyes of the rat, heat escaping
From its tail. I'm used to the pull
Of a man's return,

The sound of car keys and loose coins.
He brings me a tidepool:

_________sea
____salt__________pocket
___change
__________.rip
_______________thigh

Urchins from oceans unknown.

He turns to the birds.

I walk right past the freezer.
Live mice. _____________.Violet night.
The cage is open.


.

[Suzanne]

I am not sure what's happening here. The snake ate the mice?
Thought I'd give you a nod.

Suzanne

[ray miller]

You lose me at the pull of a man's return. But I am rather drunk and promise to look again tomorrow.

[Arian]

This could be quite a nice piece, if it weren't for the Pseud's Corner nonsense scattered about the place.

Why is it a prayer? Don't prayers make some knd of supplication, a statement of devotion, or something? Not a whole lot of that going on, to my ear. More of a commentary.

I really like the bit about the rat, though.

Cheers
peter

[Antcliff]

Hi Wilcken, yes, enjoyed our little exchange.

I assume the opening line in this is key...moving from what is squeezed (he)...to being reminded of the snake?
The prayer being for..in both cases the snake to be in proper place? (Although one is sadly not).
Might be way off though...not sure.

Ant

[Wilcken]

Thanks for reading and leaving some thoughts everyone.

I'd love some help on this.

Suzanne, the snake is out, yes.

Ray, I was hoping this would be the type of poem where a certain degree of reader drunkenness might actually help. Not the case. Hmmmm. But you are not alone in feeling lost, so take comfort there.

Peter. I just now learned what Pseud's Corner was, if I were already familiar and had an opinion about it, I might be able to figure out how I feel about that criticism, but I will take it as an indicator that, at the very least, you are not finding much to make sense of here.

Ant. I dig that reading. Trust your gut.

This is a revision of something I did last year at this time, the result of a collaboration, a friend's selected snippets from a piece of my prose and I took it from there. It's not that it woulda hit you over the head with clarity then either, but I'm wondering about the changes I've made here. My hope now is to retain the symbolism and still assemble loose parts into a somewhat disjointed whole. A pet store, a clerk, a customer. Seems I am far from accomplishing that at this point.

Thank you for giving it a chance though! I'll be thinking more on it.

Wilcken

[ray miller]

Sorry, Wilcken, even stone cold sober I can't make head nor tail of it.

[Nicky B]

For some reason I love this title, I keep coming back and reading it simply because of the title.

However, I'm afraid like the others I'm completely lost.

You ask for help, and I'd like to help, but for starters I think we a bit more of a clue about what's going on.

So....... what's going on?

Nicky B.

[Wilcken]

Hi Nicky and thanks for trying again Ray

Rather than explain it I'm working on it. I will post a revision.

If that doesn't help, well ... I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.

Wilcken

[Arian]

Rather than explain it I'm working on it. I will post a revision.

Good response! Easily the best way to "explain".

Look forward to it.
Cheers
Peter

[Pleiades]

I really like the strong voice of bits like the pull of a man, and the pockets. The snake and so on, I too am confused by that.

[Wilcken]

Thanks for your feedback Pleiades.

Hopefully I did more good than harm in the revision.

Wilcken

[Antcliff]

Hi

Clearer no doubt.

But tone is a bit different? "..used to the pull of a man's return" hinted (in my limited understanding) at a sense of loss, a missing of what once was. The narrator seems more upbeat and in control now.

Cheers,
Ant

[Wilcken]

Hi Ant,

Thanks for reading again. I agree with you about the change in tone. I felt like I had to split off the part of it that was more focused on the mysterious aspect of the man. That might be a different poem, or I just don't have the skills to work it all into this draft.

While I was writing the original and this revision I kinda hoped for a narrator with a sense of dry and dark humor, one with the sort of feigned strength that tries to show up in the disguise of sarcasm. This particular man would be coming back from (as she imagines) exotic travels, he is foreign and compelling enough to throw her game off. It's an interesting piece for me because even when I first wrote it and worked on it with a friend I felt like it was trying to tell me what it wanted and I'm more used to being the one in charge. Somehow that is mirrored in this character, so it seems I'm trying to work something out here and I'm still not quite there.

I appreciate your comments.

Cheers,
Wilcken

[BenJohnson]

I like the revision and particular highlights for me are the line break here 'Let me not be afraid of the dark/eyes of the rat,' and the phrase 'Your pockets full/of sound.' I'm finding the ending very oblique although I can understand what you are hinting at and agree it should be hint only, things like 'Violet night' don't seem to have any real bearing anything and serve a distracting red herrings (for me).

I wonder if the title shouldn't use Vivarium instead of Aquarium since you have now gotten rid of all sea life in the re-write? Also on that subject was the snake in a cage, not a tank?

[Arian]

Hopefully I did more good than harm in the revision.

Not for me, I'm afraid.

You've cleaned up that word-gap silliness, which is good, but - for me - the language of the original is more powerful, more direct and expressive than v2. Where, in the original, you start with a gripping, almost dramatic, statement that demands attention, you now begin with a far weaker, so-whatish sequence that's conspicuously lacking in momentum. You then compound the felony by introducing (possibly ironically, but if so it doesn't work) dog-eared phrases like joyful mystery and purity of heart.

It's a shame. I origianlly criticised the pretentious form of v1, but not the language or the narrative intention, which I think are good. I said it could be a nice piece. And it could. In my view, if you simply lose the self-consciously "poetic" word-gap thing and maybe tidy up the punctuation a bit. Then, you'd have a very decent piece on your hands. Certainly punchier and more enjoyable than the pallid compromise you've replaced it with. I still can't see why it's a prayer, though.

Cheers
peter

[Wilcken]

I'm still working and thinking on this draft.

Hi Ben,
Duly noted on the cage and the tank, there are a number of critters in each type of container but I'll look at this again. Violet night is meant to show the short of a black light effect in the dark areas of pet shops where the fish aquariums are, and I was hoping to create a sense of the narrator moving through the space. I appreciate your comments, thank you.

Peter,
I'm hoping you might see this and help me out a bit. From your comments so far I can tell I would very much like to understand your response and feedback to each version of this piece, but I don't want to press you or seem ungrateful for the insights you've already provided.

After your first comments I was surprised by how your second post seemed to favor the first version so strongly. I guess it's a matter of what you felt was nonsense versus what was strong, and I do get a little better sense of that from your second round of critique.

So what you're saying is that your issue with the first was mainly the tide pool section? Also that it did not seem like a prayer and more like commentary. You kinda got me curious there (on the latter) and it was in response to your comments that I placed those phrases from the rosary in the second version, intending (ironically, sardonically) to fit the voice of how I imagine this narrator with a dry sense of humor. Even so, I'm not really trying to get an actual prayerful feeling so much as to call up the various and inevitable predatory dynamics in play within the food chain of a pet store.

I am actually on the fence about which way I would like to go with this. I've gotten a wider range of responses to it than anything else I've ever written. Trying this second draft was an attempt at whether I could keep true to my own aims and still try to make more sense for readers who were struggling to find coherence. If I had to choose I would say I prefer the first version but that feels a bit indulgent (or something ).

So yeah, this is very much a piece that's making me think about the reader's experience of it. Which is challenging me to think about my own sense of what I write and why.

Anyhow, I truly do appreciate your insights on this, you've given me some great things to think about. There will be another version at some point and I'll post it.

Cheers

Wilcken

[Arian]

Peter,
I'm hoping you might see this and help me out a bit.

Well, I'm happy to try, but I'll probably end up by confusing you even more.

I liked v1, and still do. My original complaint was about the extended gaps between words, which can be effective when they support or enhance an image, but they (like enjambment) are more often misused or overdone. Here, they struck me as merely whimsical, an overt attempt to poeticise. Yes, I realised (or assumed) that the technique was being used in the tide section to visually capture swimming/floating but - for me - it was distracting and unnecessary. However, the language, rhythm, narrative pacing etc., are all pretty good, I'd say, especially the start, which has a sense of drama about it, as well as a sense of intrigue, which gives the piece an important early momentum.

V2 is far from a disaster, and has its own charm. For me, though, it's weaker. The drama is lost from the beginning and (as I've said) the slightly worn phrases (sardonically meant, perhaps, but I'm not sure that's clear) don't inspire. Overall, the poem loses it's pleasingly dark tone and punchy narrative form in favour of an altogether less assertive presentation.

As to the prayer thing, others may think differently, but I think the title sets an expectation which is unfulfilled. Besides, I can think of titles which, to my mind, would be much better. It's worth emphasising that I'm often a lone voice, though - I strongly advise against acting on my advice. He said, paradoxically.

Cheers
peter

[Wilcken]

Thank you so much Peter.

On the contrary, this helped me a lot that you came back to it. What you said about the first version encourages me more in the direction I would prefer to take it.

I'll be sure to let you know where I land with the next version (even if I don't post it here in the forum).

Wilcken

[Ros]

Hi Wilcken,

I haven't read all the comments, so I'm still a bit puzzled about this one. Regarding versions, I think v1 is stronger; it has a sparseness which is more compelling. I like this from v2 though, partic the line break on dark:

Let me not be afraid of the dark
eyes of the rat, heat escaping
from its tail; the mantis, silent
and still; or the nocturnal
plecostomus, sucking
on the glass wall.

Mostly I'm puzzled about

I like to push my fingers underneath and squeeze.

is it erotic? violent? disturbing?

I can't work out how to read it.

Ros

[brianedwards]

I don't understand the "bowl full of pompom cat toys" - why would the toys be in a bowl? But I do get that you need to drop a clue as to what is being squeezed, so maybe something simpler? And could you lose the opening and convey the idea of waiting at the same time?

I do like (very much) the idea of starting with the squeezing image. Dynamic, as Peter says. And I like how the squeezing prompts memory of the snake, and then the jump cut to the pet store (if I'm reading that right?) In fact, the narrative is handled exceptionally well I think, which is especially accomplished considering this was extracted from a prose piece. There's an impressive economy that gets us from the cat toy to the dying rat. The metaphor is excellently handled.

Like this poem very much.

B.

[Wilcken]

Hi Brian and Ros -

Didn't mean to neglect thanking you for your comments, in fact they are helpful to me but I still have not quite sorted out the next draft of this and kept thinking I was getting there. I'm going to let it sit a bit. Glad to have your insights and questions to consider.

Cheers

Wilcken