The Small Sounds

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

The Small Sounds

Post by Suzanne » Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:30 pm

The Small Sounds


The call of a crow always takes me
flying over barren brown fields
and the tall grass edges of a swamp.

And when I hear the rolling approach
of a small-engined plane,
it grounds me to this piece of earth
like an afternoon nap on my parent's big bed.

A natural brisk-swish of leaves
doesn't do it, nor does the hard
rain on the roof, there's no magic-
though it's just a meter above my pillow.

And on summer evenings when the taunting
Nordic light refuses to fade into night
and the stars are kept wrapped
behind a blue as soft as powder,

the rev of a lone motorcycle
along the nearby highway transports me
to the summer I got my drivers license
and the rural root-beer stand
where I learned how to gracefully glide
between rows of parked cars
to earn the tips that paid for my gas.




.
Last edited by Suzanne on Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:02 am, edited 2 times in total.

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: The small sounds of home

Post by Arian » Tue Dec 06, 2011 9:34 pm

Some excellent use of poetic device here, Suzanne.

The alliterative first couplet is very strong, as is the onomatopoeic "brisk-swish of leaves", while

the taunting
Nordic light refuses to fade into night

is brilliantly evocative and accurate.

Against that, there are one or two oddities - the putter, for example. Isn't that a golf club? Perhaps you meant putt (more onomatopoeia, though overused in this case).

Still, a good read, with some genuinely inspired highlights.

Cheers
peter
Last edited by Arian on Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: The Small Sounds

Post by Suzanne » Wed Dec 07, 2011 11:30 am

Peter,

Thank you. Glad you like the sounds! It seems I have included leaves as often as I do pockets these days, so gave an extra try for something original. I hoped it was okay, glad you liked it.

And I also had a vague sense that "putter" was wrong but liked the sound of putt. I have changed it to a rolling approach, I hope that works better. Wish you told me the other oddities?

In this one, I am the N!
On a walk yesterday, I said ( for the ten thousandth time) that I love the sound of a crow.
And decided it was time I wrote the poem to say so.

The poem is a bit of American.
Here is a photo of a root beer stand. It was my first job. ( No, not on roller-skates though I could have done it!)
It was situated next to a highway and on a still night, the sound of a motorcycle on a clear night always seemed like an invitation to travel.

Thank you for your time and opinion,
Suzanne





a_and_w_belleville.JPG
a_and_w_belleville.JPG (44.66 KiB) Viewed 1017 times

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: The Small Sounds

Post by ray miller » Wed Dec 07, 2011 12:11 pm

I like it, especially the 4th verse, that's lovely. The 3rd verse you could do without, I think, why bring on what doesn't do it? Are the barren fields meant to be next to a swamp? Seems unlikely.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6602
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: The Small Sounds

Post by Antcliff » Wed Dec 07, 2011 12:51 pm

Hi Suzanne
Like this a lot. Very evocative.
I like the idea of a certain sound "grounding" a person to the earth. I'd like a wee bit more on it though. At first glance it is subject of poem..you even say other sounds don't do it. Then there is a sound of different engine taking you back to the land of root beer/skates. This is not a criticism at all. Just a question..is the subject matter of the poem the capacity of certain sounds to "ground". If so, do you think more could be said about the idea of being grounded to a place (spot in US) even when you are not there? For me that would strengthen further an already strong poem.
Just a thought.

Ant
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

JohnLott
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1326
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:35 pm
Location: Devon

Re: The Small Sounds

Post by JohnLott » Wed Dec 07, 2011 1:11 pm

I agree that this is a moody reminisce - if it was a song it would be moody-blue.
I like the pace.
'rolling' is the wrong word for me; and sometimes the beat goes astray, especially not helped by the punctuation (or lack of it).
I particulary like S1, 2 and 4.
S3 breaks the mood and S5 seems a bit weak - a little lazy.

So good overall.

:)

J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: The Small Sounds

Post by Suzanne » Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:18 pm

Ray, thanks. I will thnk about the bring in of what doesn't do it. You have raised a good point. The barren field and the swamp is next to one another. Since this is a autobiographical poem, I can tell you that what I come from there are many many lakes scattered through farmland.

Ant,
Thank you. What a crit! What a challenge! Hmm... To be honest, I had not fully realized that I was indeed talking about being grounded more than just the sounds that remind me of home. Your comment actually takes the poem one step farther than I consciously had thought. When I read your comments, I understood that IS what I was saying beneath the simpler ideas. Well done for that. I am not sure what I am going to do about it though.

I also see that this poem is sort of the same poem (sort of) as my flop Zenith viewtopic.php?f=3&t=16452. I did not realize that but can see it now.

Now I have to think.... Thanks for that.

John,
Thanks for your reply. Let's see what happens to it next.

Warmly,
Suzanne

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13716
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: The Small Sounds

Post by David » Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:52 am

There's something that's homely but appealing about this, Suzanne. In S2 we seem to have strayed into North by Northwest (which is not a bad place to stray), but the images throughout the poem are very attractive and evocative.

Using "glide" definitely makes it sound that you are on skates. (I'm imagining American Graffiti.)

Nice gentle stuff.

Cheers

David

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Post by Suzanne » Sun Dec 11, 2011 4:02 pm

Thank you, David.

That North by Northwest thing is a bit scary! Lol.

American Graffiti is a movie I've seen more times than I'd like.

I'm glad you liked the poem. Thanks for letting me know.

Warmly,
Suzanne

Post Reply