The cries of animals

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Mic
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The cries of animals

Post by Mic » Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:42 am

................... (3.16 am)

Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A blackbird whistles for its mate.
Stags move through the dark, bellow and call.
Fox cubs yelp. A hawk screams
over miles of fields. Owls shriek;
mice squeal; the grasses shake.



.................. (3.16 am)



Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A blackbird whistles.
Stags move through the night -
bellow and call.

Abandoned fox cubs yelp.
A hawk screams

at an empty sky.
Owls shriek,
mice squeal;
the grasses shake.


I make a cup of tea -
wrap a blanket round my legs;
weep without reason in the dark.






Version 7

............(3.16 a.m.)

next-door's dog barks............a blackbird whistles
stags bellow and call.............. a hawk screams across miles of field
abandoned fox cubs yelp........owls shriek, mice squeal;

.....................the grasses shake.

I make tea
wrap a blanket round my legs;
you sob in the dark in my bed.





Version 6

........................(3.16 am)

Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A blackbird whistles for its mate.
Stags move through the night, bellow and call.
Abandoned fox cubs yelp; a hawk screams
across miles of field. Owls shriek,
mice squeal; the grasses shake.

I make a cup of tea; wrap a blanket round my legs.
You weep in the dark in my bed.


***


Version 5

........................(3.16 am)

Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A blackbird whistles for its mate.
Stags move through the night, bellow and call.
Abandoned fox cubs yelp; the hawk screams
across miles of fields; owls shriek.
Mice squeal and squeak, the grass shakes.

I make a cup of tea; wrap a blanket round my legs.
You weep in the dark in my bed.


***


Version 4

........................(3.16 am)

Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A blackbird whistles for its mate.
Stags move through the night, bellow and call.
Abandoned fox cubs yelp. The hawk screams
across miles of fields; owls shriek.
Mice squeal and squeak; the grass shakes.
Meanwhile, I make another cuppa, wrap
a blanket round my legs; tell myself
to stop this weeping in the dark.


***

Version 3

........................(3.16 am)

Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A blackbird whistles for its mate.
Stags move through the dark, bellow and call.
Abandoned fox cubs yelp; a hawk screams
across miles of fields. Owls shriek.
Mice squeal and squeak; the grass shakes.

I make another cup of tea, and smoke.




Version No. 2

........................(3.16 am)

Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A blackbird whistles for its mate.
Stags move through the dark, bellow and call.
Fox cubs yelp. A hawk screams
across miles of fields. Owls shriek.
Mice squeal and squeak; the grass shakes.


Orginal

........................(3.16 am)

Next-door’s dog lets out a panicked bark.
A widowed blackbird whistles.
Stags move through the dark, bellow and call.
Fox cubs yelp. A hawk screams
over miles of fields. Owls shriek.
Terrfied mice squeal and squeak; the grass shakes.
Last edited by Mic on Thu May 03, 2012 4:10 pm, edited 32 times in total.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

brianedwards
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Re: The cries of animals

Post by brianedwards » Sun Dec 04, 2011 11:17 am

I read this expecting some kind of human denouement - a baby crying perhaps, or even the sound of sex. But no, quite surprisingly you didn't go there. And I quite like how it builds from the quotidian neighbour's dog barking to the terrifying reality of life for most of earth's creatures. But (always a but) overall it's a bit unsatisfying, like you're just getting going when the poem ends. Also, not keen on the (melo)dramatic intrusions of "widowed" and "Terrified".

B.

Mic
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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Mic » Sun Dec 04, 2011 11:22 am

Thanks Brian. I'll rethink the widowed and terrified. I think I was hoping the human 'cry', though not mentioned, might be heard. I agree with you that it needs something more.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Antcliff » Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:09 pm

Hi
Liked it. But why does this end so quickly? Could have gone on for more I think. Felt like a good tune was starting but by the time the people got onto dance floor it had already ended leaving them staring at the stage..
Ant
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Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Suzanne » Sun Dec 04, 2011 2:05 pm

Hi Mic,

I checked in and read the first two versions, I admired the intensity. You have the ability to capture it in so few words. But I agreed that it was not quite complete.

But! reading the third now, I laughed at " tea, and smoked." lol. I don't know why. Perhaps it was because I was seeing the N make the tea and then beginning to smoke, which, of course meant smoking a fag but because of the brevity of it (or probably just me) it seemed a bit comical. Spontaneous combustion-ish. Of course not, of course not .. but I do think that it is too abrupt.

I love the time stamp. I was going to suggest a rolling over, or a confession to self, an epiphany ? or an instinctive drive to parallel the animals... smoking does work but i think adding a few words may make it smoother.

I do like what you've got going.
Suzanne

Mic
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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Mic » Sun Dec 04, 2011 2:28 pm

Hi Ant - thanks. It generally seems felt that this is too short. I suppose I could go on about goats bleating, bees buzzing etc etc!
Hi Suzanne - thanks. Yes, I wondered whether that image might happen! So I'll need to look at this again.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Nash

Re: The cries of animals

Post by Nash » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:07 pm

I read the first version of this earlier today and I though that it would be great if you could allude to a reason why you're up at 3:16 am. I see you've done that now but still leave an air of mystery, so that's good.

For some reason I find that the shriek/squeak rhyme stands out, but not in a good way, it seems a bit of a full on rhyme to me. Could be wrong, what do you think?

Cheers,
Nash.

Nash

Re: The cries of animals

Post by Nash » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:07 pm

I read the first version of this earlier today and I though that it would be great if you could allude to a reason why you're up at 3:16 am. I see you've done that now but still leave an air of mystery, so that's good.

For some reason I find that the shriek/squeak rhyme stands out, but not in a good way, it seems a bit of a full on rhyme to me. Could be wrong, what do you think?

Cheers,
Nash.

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Suzanne » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:27 pm

Like it. The emotional discomfort of the weeping someone in the tea drinkers bed matches the drama /unrest if the animals.

I say, you did it. Yep. It feels right to me.

Love watching the progress of a difficult poem. Thanks.
Suzanne

Mic
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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Mic » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:35 pm

Hi Nash - thanks, and yup, I agree about the squeak. Have amended. Thanks Suzanne, this is a bit of an odd'n.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by brianedwards » Mon Dec 05, 2011 2:20 am

A completely different poem but certainly effective. I wonder if it's what you intended to write though? Has the narrative element been tagged on? Dunno, my reading is affected by being privy to its development.

B.

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Mic » Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:55 am

Brian, thanks for coming back to this. I began this yesterday morning with an entry I stumbled across in Brewers Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. I didn't really know when I set out where it was going. I did begin to have a sense quite soon that I was wanting to point to that sort of terribly anguished crying that can overwhelm us sometimes. At first I thought that listing the different names for the cries of animals might be enough to point a reader towards thinking in that direction. It didn't (the general sense seemed to be that it was disappointing, not satisfying, too short). I think it feels more complete now. Dunno.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by ray miller » Mon Dec 05, 2011 10:37 pm

I thought Stags "move through the night" was sort of betraying the spirit of the poem, unneccessary. Which led me to messing around and coming up with this.

Stags bellow and call.
A hawk screams across miles of field.
Abandoned fox cubs yelp.
Owls shriek, mice squeal;
the grasses shake.

Weren't too keen on panicked bark. They all sound like that to me.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Mic
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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Mic » Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:20 am

I like how you've worked it, Ray. I've posted a revised version.

Mic
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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Suzanne » Tue Dec 06, 2011 11:01 am

Mic,

I like version 6 best.

Not so keen on the recent revision.
Kind of agree with Ray on panicked but at the same time, it is sort of a mystery as to why it feel panicked. So, i wouldn't change it unless something was clearly better in your mind.


Suzanne

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by dragonfly » Tue Dec 06, 2011 12:27 pm

I like version 6, but maybe without the penultimate line.

Or I wondered about 'someone weeps in the dark in my bed' instead of 'you weep'. (Maybe because I've read version 4, I was coming to it with the idea in the back of my mind that the n may be experiencing their own weeping as something unfamiliar, almost as if the sound is coming from someone else. Hope that makes sense.) In no way do I want to put words into your mouth though, especially as I'm fairly new to critiquing.

Enjoyed the read, and following all the different versions.

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by dragonfly » Tue Dec 06, 2011 5:07 pm

Then again 'someone weeps in the dark in my bed' could sound like a stranger has climbed into bed with you. What was I thinking?

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Bloggsworth » Tue Dec 06, 2011 6:06 pm

I feel that the last line would benefit by being reordered:

in the dark you sob in my bed

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by Arian » Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:10 pm

Call me a bluff old conventionalist, or worse (is there anything worse?), Michaela, but I really don't think the latest form helps it much. It shouts at me, "Look, I am a modern poem! Deny it if you dare."

Which is a shame, becasue the essential bit, the words, have the makings of something good. (Sorry, late to it, haven't read the earlier incarnations, or the thread).

Cheers
peter
Last edited by Arian on Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Nash

Re: The cries of animals

Post by Nash » Tue Dec 06, 2011 9:10 pm

I agree with Peter on the latest version I'm afraid, Michaela.

I've nothing against wild and crazy formatting but I think that it needs to suit the poem and, most importantly, it needs to be done with complete and total confidence. For me, it seems a bit unnecessary and a little self-aware in this case. It's a good poem, there's no shame in left-aligning!

Nice to see the workings though, it's like peeking at someone's notebooks.
Nash.

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by gavin » Wed Dec 07, 2011 5:12 am

the poem reminded me, the paintings of franz mac the death of the animals.

the world is up side down and an uneasiness of the animals.

one can see the apprehension in the back of their eyes;

the poem is very strong and figurative;

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by JohnLott » Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:56 pm

I'm in the group of 'left alignmentists'.
The words are about right now - I like it.

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Re: The cries of animals

Post by dragonfly » Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:03 am

dragonfly wrote:Then again 'someone weeps in the dark in my bed' could sound like a stranger has climbed into bed with you. What was I thinking?
I think I was thinking something along the lines of 'a human weeps in the dark in my bed', but that's by the by. Reading the poem again this morning it feels complete as it is, to me. At first, I'd wondered if the n making tea was interrupting the list format, but now I quite like this shift. Sorry if I'm being confusing !

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