How to release your house from the grip of daytime inertia,

[calico]

v3

Open the drawer, inside are cable ties used for flowers at pedestrian crossings.
Hit the mattress with a plank to release a shape from the hollow
(where he laid out his penis colder than a crowbar
his penis that might at any moment release spores.)
You have to leave your body slumped there and get out of the window like a flesh eating beetle,
go sit among people and wait for your number to be called.
Don’t look at the TV, at the very least there will be a row between an official
in bright blue and a girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase.
Don’t worry about the house, when you’re not there it’s fine. Wall, drawer, floors.


How to release your house from the grip of daytime inertia

Open the drawer, inside are cable ties for flowers at pedestrian crossings.
Hit the mattress with a plank to release a shape from the hollow
(where he laid out his penis colder than a crowbar
his penis that might at any moment release spores.)
You have to leave your body slumped there and climb out of the window like a flesh eating beetle,
go sit somewhere warmer and wait for your number to be called.
Someone always comes in just for a parking permit not to stay, not one of our collective
with babies, attached to buggies, trying to catch our gaze.
Don’t look at the TV, at the very least there will be a row between an official
in bright blue and a girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase.
Don’t worry about the house, when you’re not there it’s fine. Wall, drawer, floors.


original
Open the drawer, inside are cable ties used for tying flowers to pedestrian crossings.
Hit the mattress with a plank to release the shape from the hollow
(where he laid out his penis colder than a crowbar
his penis that might at any moment release spores.)
You have to leave your body slumped there and get out of the window like a small black flesh eating beetle,
go sit somewhere warmer like the One Stop Shop and wait for your number to be called.
Someone always comes in just for a parking permit not to stay, not one of our collective frostbite
of babies, attached to buggies, trying to catch our gaze.
Don’t look at the TV, at the very least there will be the Olympics, or a row at Customs between an official
in bright blue and a girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase.
Don’t worry about the house, when you’re not there it’s fine. Wall, drawer, floors.

[Mic]

Hi Megan,

I do admire the risks you are prepared to take with your poetry.

On the whole, this one doesn't really quite work for me: apart from the startling penis image, the rest seems a bit flaccid, (e.g. ties and tying in the first line, not keen on that). Though I do like what this line reveals about the state of mind of the N. and indicates something of the backstory.
I like the idea of the house having to be released from inertia (by the actions of its evidently depressed occupier).
'... our collective frostbite/of babies' just seems to be working to hard and it doesn't work.

Mic

[calico]

Thanks Mic. It was surprisingly easy to get out of the house, which doesn't then live up to the notion of its "grip", making the rest of the poem a bit of an afterthought perhaps.
I'll change the collective frostbite.

risks

Definitely find myself posting less developed things these days.

[Arian]

I do admire the risks you are prepared to take with your poetry.

Ditto!

On this occasion, I'm not sure the piece quite works - for me, there are too many confused images supporting an unfocused narrative. Or something.

Still, given that it''s based pretty much on expression in the imperative form, I reckon you could improve it with some simple punctuation changes to emphasise those imperatives. For example:

Open the drawer. Inside are cable ties used for flowers at pedestrian crossings.
Hit the mattress with a plank to release a shape from the hollow
(where he laid out his penis colder than a crowbar
his penis that might at any moment release spores).
You have to leave your body slumped there and get out of the window like a flesh eating beetle.
Go sit among people and wait for your number to be called.
Don’t look at the TV. At the very least there will be a row between an official
in bright blue and a girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase.
Don’t worry about the house. When you’re not there it’s fine - wall, drawer, floors.


Oh, and can't you do something about the dreadful title? At least remove the comma at the end.

Cheers
peter

[Antcliff]

Hi..
Enjoyed that. There have been questions after chapel here under Milkwood at the words "penis colder than a crowbar". And all are surprised at talk of "hollows" being left. Chisels, hollows, spores, penis, flesh eating beatle. My only thought at moment is that after this start it is hard to concentrate on what follows. Strong start, but perhaps so strong that it rather overpowers what follows.
Ant.

v3

Open the drawer, inside are cable ties used for flowers at pedestrian crossings.
Hit the mattress with a plank to release a shape from the hollow
(where he laid out his penis colder than a crowbar
his penis that might at any moment release spores.)
You have to leave your body slumped there and get out of the window like a flesh eating beetle,
go sit among people and wait for your number to be called.
Don’t look at the TV, at the very least there will be a row between an official
in bright blue and a girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase.
Don’t worry about the house, when you’re not there it’s fine. Wall, drawer, floors.


How to release your house from the grip of daytime inertia

Open the drawer, inside are cable ties for flowers at pedestrian crossings.
Hit the mattress with a plank to release a shape from the hollow
(where he laid out his penis colder than a crowbar
his penis that might at any moment release spores.)
You have to leave your body slumped there and climb out of the window like a flesh eating beetle,
go sit somewhere warmer and wait for your number to be called.
Someone always comes in just for a parking permit not to stay, not one of our collective
with babies, attached to buggies, trying to catch our gaze.
Don’t look at the TV, at the very least there will be a row between an official
in bright blue and a girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase.
Don’t worry about the house, when you’re not there it’s fine. Wall, drawer, floors.


original
Open the drawer, inside are cable ties used for tying flowers to pedestrian crossings.
Hit the mattress with a plank to release the shape from the hollow
(where he laid out his penis colder than a crowbar
his penis that might at any moment release spores.)
You have to leave your body slumped there and get out of the window like a small black flesh eating beetle,
go sit somewhere warmer like the One Stop Shop and wait for your number to be called.
Someone always comes in just for a parking permit not to stay, not one of our collective frostbite
of babies, attached to buggies, trying to catch our gaze.
Don’t look at the TV, at the very least there will be the Olympics, or a row at Customs between an official
in bright blue and a girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase.
Don’t worry about the house, when you’re not there it’s fine. Wall, drawer, floors.

[bodkin]

Hi Megan,

Reads a bit like the walk-through for a rather surreal and disturbing escape the room game. Did you look under all the cushions and run the hot tap in the bathroom to reveal the message on the mirror?

While I also admire risk taking, one is always left with a few question marks as to exactly what has been created...

I'm not going to ask whether this is a poem, because too many fights stem from that, and it probably doesn't really matter.

Did I enjoy it? Yes, I liked:

The flowers, ties, penis, spores...

Not so sure about the TV and Beetle.

But the "girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase"... brilliant. I now want to write a series of short stories about her, or even a long sequence of youtube videos showing her in various famous locations

So... the conclusion is, that I enjoyed this, but would probably not be in a hurry to re-read it. (And if there was a whole book of similar stuff, I probably would not buy.)

Does any of this help?

Ian

(Must now rush off and see where "girl with unlabelled food in her suitcase" is tonight!)

[ray miller]

I liked this line
Hit the mattress with a plank to release a shape from the hollow

and that does actually work. The rest doesn't.

[twoleftfeet]

I'm shocked (almost), disturbed (definitely) and titillated (slightly) but, as Peter points out, there is nothing to hang my mixed-up
emotions on.

L1 hints at a tragedy - a dead child perhaps? - but that's all we get.

At first I chuckled infantilely at the "penis as cold as a crowbar" line, but then it occurred to me that he (or at least it)
would have to be dead to be cold! OK, so perhaps I can infer emotional coldness (he said, guessing wildly).

Out-of-the-body experiences and flesh-eating-beetles?

The title is the best bit, for me - the role reversal, as it were, as pointed out by Mic.

Sorry for the negativity, Megan.

Geoff