Cultures

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JohnLott
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Cultures

Post by JohnLott » Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:17 pm

On the night of the circular moon
when cormorants raise fish one by one
and folded fortune cookie red boats
with lit candles
set off towards the horizon where
the sun will rise about six:
The dreams of the pilgrims stay alive
because each day’s tomorrow is when
hopes will come true.

On the night that I knew you had gone
I got drunk, very drunk then I cried
as I stood your blue bike on my floor
by my sofa
so I could not watch tv without you
being always on my mind.
Symbolism did not last very long;
about two hours short of two days
till Sports Night.
Last edited by JohnLott on Sun Dec 04, 2011 3:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Bloggsworth
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Re: Cultures

Post by Bloggsworth » Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:39 pm

I would suggest some adjustments, which you are, of course, entirely at liberty to reject.

On the night of the circular moon,
when cormorants raise fish one by one,
and candle-lit
red fortune cookie boats
set off towards the coming sunrise.
The dreams of the pilgrims stay alive,
because each day’s tomorrow is when
hopes will come true.

On the night that I knew you had gone,
I got drunk, then I cried
as I stood your blue bike on the floor,
by my sofa,
so I could not watch tv without you
being forever on my mind.
Symbolism did not last very long;
about two hours short of two days,
until Sports Night.

JohnLott
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Re: Cultures

Post by JohnLott » Mon Nov 28, 2011 4:30 pm

Hi Bloggsworth,
Thanks for the read.
And your suggestions, which I will study to see how they affect the balance.

:)

J.
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JohnLott
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Re: Cultures

Post by JohnLott » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:08 pm

Hi Blogsworth,
one problem with changing parts of S1 is that the two stanzas are blanced line by corresponding line. I'm not sure I want to change that.
However I can change the position of folded in L3 S1.

:)

J.
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k-j
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Re: Cultures

Post by k-j » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:31 pm

I like the symmetical presentation, the twinned stanzas. Specific comments:

- "circular moon" feels slightly pedantic and not especially poetic. What's wrong with "full moon"? And in fact, do these things happen specifically at the full moon? Wouldn't the birds, boats and pilgrims be going through the same motions every other night too?

- "one by one" - well it's not going to be two by two, is it? On the other hand I suppose this gives an idea of how methodical they are (if that's what they are).

I guess I'm not really into the picture-postcard oriental image of the first six lines, partly because it's kind of cliched but partly because it strikes me as verging on redundant. The bit about the pilgrims and their hope is really the nub of the first stanza isn't it? Although I think "each day's tomorrow is when / hopes will come true" is awkwardly put.

Second stanza is much better.

- Contrary to Bloggsworth's comment, I think you need "very drunk" and the comma after drunk makes this line hit hard.

- The blue bike is a wonderful image. In fact I wouldn't change this stanza at all.
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twoleftfeet
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Re: Cultures

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:43 pm

It made me smile, John, shallow soul that I am.
JohnLott wrote:Hi Blogsworth,
one problem with changing parts of S1 is that the two stanzas are blanced line by corresponding line. I'm not sure I want to change that.
J.
That's fair enough, but I think overall the effect is to appear too wordy:
e.g.
hopes will come true/ until Sports Night.

could just as easily be

hopes come true/ till Sports Night.

It's a small nit, though.

Geoff
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Re: Cultures

Post by Ros » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:44 pm

You can lose all the end of line commas.

Ros
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JohnLott
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Re: Cultures

Post by JohnLott » Sun Dec 04, 2011 3:10 pm

Sorry for the delay k-j, Geoff, Ros
k-j
I can use full moon as long as I don't get accused of being unimaginative.
The eastern culture (s1) is a collage of: (a) the cormorant fishing - the cormorants have a collar and line and the collar prevents them from catching more than one fish at a time, (b) the (lucky red) fortune cookies and (c) the ceremony of paper boats at the full moon.

Geoff
Until changed to till

Ros
Commas gone

Thanks

J.
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