Perspective (edited)

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Perspective (edited)

Post by Ros » Sat Nov 26, 2011 5:47 pm

(revised)

The Long View

And when we approach the end
waiting for the solar wind
to strip the hydrogen from water

for the Sun to swell and oceans
stir and roil, when mountains
fail and crowds like starlings

swirl and eddy, switch
from one preacher to the next
it won’t be of significance

that once my fingers reached
for yours while we were each
committed to another


~~~~~

And when we reach the end
when the Sun is swollen into redness
and the oceans stir and roil
when mountains fail and crowds

like roosting starlings swirl
following one preacher then the next

it won’t be of significance
that once I took your hand
in mine when we were both
committed to another



~
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Re: Perspective

Post by Bloggsworth » Sat Nov 26, 2011 7:38 pm

And! You started a poem with and... Please don't, it ruined the poem for me.

When we reach the end
and the Sun is swollen to redness
while the oceans stir and roil
when mountains fail and crowds

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Re: Perspective

Post by BenJohnson » Sat Nov 26, 2011 8:59 pm

I like the 'And' the feeling of continuation before you have begun. 'Sun swollen into redness' is a bit bland and I'm sure there is a much better why to phrase it. The pedantic in me says if the starlings are roosting then why are they flying? Though I know what you are getting at, maybe just crowds/swirl like starings after/ one preacher... . I like the last stanza which for me is pitched just right.

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Re: Perspective

Post by Bloggsworth » Sat Nov 26, 2011 10:55 pm

Collectively they are a murmuration of starlings rather than a roost...

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Re: Perspective

Post by k-j » Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:26 am

Yes, "sun swollen into redness" isn't doing much for me. I like "mountains fail" though.

The crowds can be like starlings but "swirl" doesn't go with "roosting". How about "flocking" or "hurrying" or "swarming" or "massing". You know what starlings are like, a black apocalytpic cloud.

Preachers are good. Last two lines are weak in my opinion. Prosaic.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Perspective

Post by Ros » Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:32 am

Bloggsworth, thanks for the read. I know about murmuration, but not sure that that's relevant here; I was describing the action of the starlings, not their collective noun.

Ben, thanks, useful comments. I will ponder.

k-j, I may just nick 'black apocalyptic cloud'. Thanks for the read.

Think I need to get back to my old habit of waiting before posting, let things mature a bit. Appreciate all your thoughts,

Ros
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Re: Perspective

Post by Bloggsworth » Sun Nov 27, 2011 12:24 pm

Ros wrote:Bloggsworth, thanks for the read. I know about murmuration, but not sure that that's relevant here; I was describing the action of the starlings, not their collective noun.
Ros
It was in answer to the point that if they are roosting (standing on branches) then they cannot be swirling, one or other but not both, so perhaps:

...like murmuring starlings swirl...

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Re: Perspective

Post by Arian » Sun Nov 27, 2011 12:28 pm

Bloggsworth wrote:it ruined the poem for me.
Strange how tastes differ. Personally I think the And is an excellent start for a piece which is about continuation, or lack of it. It made me read the piece to the end.

I like its tone of philosophical resignation, Ros, the dismissal of human concerns in the context of cosmic decay, blah blah. I enjoyed it. The only point I'd make, which is a bit nerdy and irrelevant, is that when the sun's a red giant, or whatever, and the mountains "fail", there won't be too many crowds or preachers around.

Cheers
peter

PS - oh, and "roil"? - must look it up. A new one on me!

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Re: Perspective

Post by David » Sun Nov 27, 2011 1:11 pm

Arian wrote:I like its tone of philosophical resignation, Ros, the dismissal of human concerns in the context of cosmic decay, blah blah. I enjoyed it. The only point I'd make, which is a bit nerdy and irrelevant, is that when the sun's a red giant, or whatever, and the mountains "fail", there won't be too many crowds or preachers around.
I agree with that. Perhaps something less finally apocalyptic, that humans might actually be around to witness, might be better.

I agree with k-j that the preachers are excellent.

It's hard to get the tone of the ending right, but I think you're not far off. I don't know why you don't end at "mine", unless you're trying to give the sense of another ending.

Cosmologically good. (Apart from the logic.)

Cheers

David

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Re: Perspective

Post by Ros » Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:50 pm

Bloggsworth, I was trying to indicate the beginning of the process of roosting, rather than the actual sitting on branches - but thanks for highlighting the point, I think I need to tinker with that bit.

Peter, thanks for the read - the idea was to be rather over the top, so I hoped I could get away with hordes of people when of course they'd actually have been fried long ago. I like roil! :)

David, thanks - the idea of the last line is that the (tentative) love would have been forbidden. Not sure if it would come over if I just ended on mine?

Thanks, all, appreciated.

Ros
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Re: Perspective

Post by David » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:22 pm

Ros wrote:David, thanks - the idea of the last line is that the (tentative) love would have been forbidden. Not sure if it would come over if I just ended on mine?
Sorry, you're absolutely right. I somehow read that as "committed to one another". I'm just recalibrating my reading now.

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Re: Perspective

Post by Ros » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:49 pm

David wrote:
Ros wrote:David, thanks - the idea of the last line is that the (tentative) love would have been forbidden. Not sure if it would come over if I just ended on mine?
Sorry, you're absolutely right. I somehow read that as "committed to one another". I'm just recalibrating my reading now.
:) I can hear the cogs grinding! If you've any ideas of how to make the ending a little less prosaic, I'm all ears. I was aiming for very simple after the overblown beginning.

Ros
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Re: Perspective (edited)

Post by Ros » Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:58 am

Well, I'm happier with it.

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Re: Perspective (edited)

Post by Antcliff » Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:36 pm

Hi
It feels weaker to me...
In the earlier version you use the term "preacher" which conjures up images of hell fire preachers. "Messiah" - doesn't quite carry that rich load of imagery.
Ant
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Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: Perspective (edited)

Post by David » Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:23 pm

Antcliff wrote:Hi
It feels weaker to me...
In the earlier version you use the term "preacher" which conjures up images of hell fire preachers. "Messiah" - doesn't quite carry that rich load of imagery.
Ant
I have to agree. The preachers were the best thing in the poem.

And waiting for the solar wind / to strip the hydrogen from water is too sciency for me, but I'm probably not the best judge of that.

Tinkering, eh? It's a tricky business.

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Re: Perspective (edited)

Post by Ros » Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:37 pm

ok, thanks, chaps, I'll restore the preachers.

Ros
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Re: Perspective (edited)

Post by Antcliff » Mon Nov 28, 2011 7:52 pm

...I do like the crowds switching preachers/starlings comparison.

Ant
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Re: Perspective

Post by Arian » Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:06 pm

Ros wrote:I like roil! :)
I don't dislike it. It's just (very) unusual to me - so unusual it sounds wrong. But sounding wrong to me doesn't make it wrong.

cheers
p

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Re: Perspective (edited)

Post by Ros » Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:33 pm

Thanks, Ant and Peter.

Not sure if I'm making things worse. It's like soup. Probably best not to throw in everything in the fridge, even if it does need using up.
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Re: Perspective (edited)

Post by JohnLott » Mon Nov 28, 2011 9:57 pm

Just to let you know I like the revision,
balanced and tells the story

:)
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