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Manoeuvre

Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:52 pm
by calico
v2

The first time I asked her out she was in the Leisure Centre
with an ex, that’s why she said
“Piss off”. But she said it politely,
so I studied her in Geography, I made maps. I crossed the river

to her house and fell in: she had to lend me
her Dad’s clothes.
The wedding took place locally,
she was pregnant at the time and her dress had to be adjusted twice!

Everyone came,
even Glen and Matthew Allen. Sometimes lying in bed
I hold my body very tense then think, why am I doing that,
and relax.

original
The first time I asked her out
she was in the Leisure Centre
with an Ex, that’s why she said “Piss off."
But she said it politely.
So I studied her in Geography, I made maps.
I crossed the river
to her house and fell in:
she had to lend me her Dad’s clothes.
The wedding took place locally.
She was pregnant at the time
and her dress had to be adjusted twice!
Everyone came, even Glen
and Matthew Allen.
Sometimes when I lie in bed
I hold my body very tense
then I think, why am I doing that,
and I relax.


NB Edit- just trying to get commas right. And in/at the Leisure Centre??

Re: Manoeuvre

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:30 am
by k-j
Well I love this! Superb!

There really is greatness in every line. I especially love the exclamation mark!

And the names, Glen and Matthew Allen. And the "even" before them.

And the last four lines - WOW.

Best poem I've read in a long time.

Re: Manoeuvre

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:40 am
by calico
Really? Thanks! Trying to get punct. just right now.

Re: Manoeuvre

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:45 pm
by JohnLott
I like this Megan - but not as much as k-j because I am not sure about the N going to her house and falling in; and who are Glen and Matthew Allen - should I know them? And why does the N tense up; isn't he happy?

8)

J.

Re: Manoeuvre

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:18 pm
by k-j
calico wrote:Really? Thanks! Trying to get punct. just right now.
Yes. Re: punctuation, I think the full stop at the end of line four is new? I'd prefer a comma there.

Also, have you added an "I" or two? In line five and in either the penultimate or last line? Maybe one too many "I"s.

Re: Manoeuvre

Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:42 pm
by calico
Great. thanks. Quite right about the I's, how did I not see that!
JohnLott wrote:who are Glen and Matthew Allen - should I know them?
No!