Still Chartreuse

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Suzanne
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Re: Still Chartreuse

Post by Suzanne » Sat Oct 15, 2011 5:40 pm

Thank you, James for clarifying that for me, I understand better what you mean.

And thank you Geoff for the kind words. I appreciate it.

Warmly,
Suzanne

Oskar
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Re: Still Chartreuse

Post by Oskar » Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:49 pm

An outstanding and elegantly expressed poem, Suzanne. The best you’ve ever written? I think so. S1 and S3 are beautifully constructed and sound completely authentic to my ear. S2 doesn’t quite convince me in the same way.

The green from instead of out of the fearns – gives the line a little more glide?

But it’s really those last three lines –

there's a neon patchwork of moss
bordering blood-red blueberry leaves
and there is still time to gather.

Lovely images but I think you lose a bit of control in their delivery. They don’t quite seem to naturally fit into the flow of what precedes them.

A minor quibble though. This is one for the trophy cabinet.

Classy.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

JohnLott
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Re: Still Chartreuse

Post by JohnLott » Mon Oct 17, 2011 11:40 pm

Mic wrote:Hi John,

In my reading of the poem Denial simply couldn't be substituted for any of other words you mention. The fact that it could for you suggests to me that you have a very different take on what this poem is 'about.'

Michaela
I'm not saying that those words could be substituted, I'm merely saying that they are no more or less significant because 'denial ' has not been justified. And that maybe because I have a different take. I can't believe that this is about a you,me,us story because it is a little loose for that - I believe this to be about the dying of Summer; the advent of Winter.

8)

J.
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Suzanne
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Re: Still Chartreuse

Post by Suzanne » Tue Oct 18, 2011 5:57 am

Thank you very much Oskar, quite a crit coming from you. Thanks very much. I have decided to let it rest while I think but that section that you mentioned is a bit clunky, I agree. I will remove something but don't want to decide which bits. I love a good modifier, as everyone knows... I tend to use them too liberally. But! I'm learning, I think. S l o w l y.


John, thanks again for commenting.
A poem , like a photo can mean different thing to different viewers, of course.
If you interpret the poem to be about "dying of Summer; the advent of Winter", how does denial fit into it? Just curious.

Warmly,
Suzanne

JohnLott
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Re: Still Chartreuse

Post by JohnLott » Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:00 am

It doesn't really - not very well - and that was my point.

8)

J.
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Mic
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Re: Still Chartreuse

Post by Mic » Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:13 am

JohnLott wrote:It doesn't really - not very well - and that was my point.

8)

J.
Is it possible that you might be missing the point, John?
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JohnLott
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Re: Still Chartreuse

Post by JohnLott » Tue Oct 18, 2011 9:04 am

Yes.
I have made that point too.
And if it is about a failing/failed relationship then S2 seemed a distraction about the forest and in S3 the 'air'mail letter paper/airplane she left on is the wrong connection; isn't it?
In the last lines, the N could be suggesting that 'Summer' is still here (in her room) despite the evidence of the changing season and in any event, wasn't it 'Denial' that was alone in (his) room; she was bustling around with family matters.

So, I am OK with being told that I got it wrong.

J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

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