Beautiful Ball [V2]

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JohnLott
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Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by JohnLott » Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:31 pm

V3

I‘ve got this itch, angular silica grit
lodged and aggravating
and I don’t want any part of it.

My tongue makes it ebb and flow.
I spit on it while it rolls around;
layers of dried saliva make it grow.

Then the moment I'm plundered.
Rough handling, blunt knife;
my muscle’s torn asunder.

Fingers probe with hurried bluster.
Pause, re-touch and rudely
I lose the ball with the lustre.

In irony I die where I began,
on the sea bed minus itch.
This Oyster was no match for man.



V2

I‘ve got this itch; angular silica grit
lodged and aggravating
and I don’t want any part of it.

My tongue makes it ebb and flow.
I spit on it while it rolls around;
layers of dried saliva make it grow.

Then comes the moment of plunder.
Rough handling, blunt knife;
my muscle’s torn asunder.

Fingers probe with bullish bluster.
Pause, re-touch and rudely
I lose the ball with the lustre.

V1

I‘ve got this itch, angular silica grit
lodged and aggravating
and I don’t want any part of it

My tongue makes it ebb and flow
I spit on it while it rolls around
and layers of dried saliva make it grow
Last edited by JohnLott on Wed Nov 23, 2011 12:42 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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brianedwards
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Re: Beautiful Ball

Post by brianedwards » Thu Oct 13, 2011 5:49 am

I'm kind of getting into this, until the last line. I don't get how the saliva is making it grow. Not understanding the title either. Irony?
Maybe you need to say where it's lodged. And a colon instead of a comma after itch?

Just my thoughts.

B.

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Re: Beautiful Ball

Post by BenJohnson » Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:19 am

While not strictly true as Brian points out 'I coat it in calcium carbonate and make it grow' probably doesn't work so well. I like the way the title is vague enough to point several ways, I was expecting something about football before reading. Overall works as a riddle for me.

JohnLott
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Re: Beautiful Ball

Post by JohnLott » Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:47 pm

Brian, at this stage I'll settle for a semi 8)

Ben, I'd prefer to think it mildly obtuse.

J.
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JohnLott
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Re: Beautiful Ball

Post by JohnLott » Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:06 pm

I guess mildly obtuse doesn't go down well...
[perhaps I should be more literal?]

:?

J.
Last edited by JohnLott on Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Beautiful Ball [or how an Oyster makes a Pearl]

Post by ray miller » Fri Oct 14, 2011 7:50 pm

This will aggravate you a bit more, John.

I've got this itch; angular silica grit
lodged and aggravating and I know
that I don’t want any part of it

my muscle makes it ebb and flow
while it rolls around I spit on it
and layers of dried saliva make it grow
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

JohnLott
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Re: Beautiful Ball

Post by JohnLott » Fri Oct 14, 2011 8:35 pm

Good one Ray!
:)

J.
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JohnLott
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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by JohnLott » Sat Nov 19, 2011 10:54 pm

Finally I got around to dealing with this.
Hope it works

J.
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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by brianedwards » Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:34 am

Fingers probe with bullish bluster

Where the hell was it lodged man?

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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by JohnLott » Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:45 am

Fingers probe with hurried bluster.
Perhaps slightly less bullish?

8)

J.
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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by Ros » Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:13 pm

First of all, eurgh!!

Secondly, I think verses 1 and 2 are effective; I'd expect the next verse to extend the metaphor into something recognisable - instead

Then comes the moment of plunder.
Rough handling, blunt knife;
my muscle’s torn asunder.

Fingers probe with bullish bluster.
Pause, re-touch and rudely
I lose the ball with the lustre.

and I have no idea what's going on, except eurgh!! again. Is this really just descriptive - in which case what on earth are you doing? - or is it metaphorical?

Ros
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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by JohnLott » Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:18 pm

Being descriptive Ros,
Our callousness, how we wreck things without caring.
The irony that we sort out the oyster's problem of aggravating grit by killing it.

Pure and simple statement.
Obviously the wrong thing to do.

J.
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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by Ros » Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:51 pm

No, not wrong, if that's what you want to do. It's not coming across as an oyster, is the problem.
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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by JohnLott » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:56 am

It must be transparent enough now, surely?

8)

J.
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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Nov 23, 2011 12:26 pm

It's much clearer now, John.

The only nit I have is
"my plunder"

Something like
"I'm plundered"
would make more sense (to me).

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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by JohnLott » Wed Nov 23, 2011 12:43 pm

Tweaked,
Thanks Geoff.

8)

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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by Arian » Thu Nov 24, 2011 7:38 pm

I like the rhythm and rhyme scheme, John, though - perhaps ironically - I think some of the piece's problems stem from it. It seems to me that there's the occasional sacrifice of poetic authenticity on the alter of technical consistency. S4, for example.

It's a very common tendency.

Cheers
peter

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Re: Beautiful Ball [V2]

Post by JohnLott » Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:14 pm

Thanks Peter,
Work still to do then.

:)

J.
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