Dress Rehearsal

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Vincent Turner
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Dress Rehearsal

Post by Vincent Turner » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:22 pm

I

White has served me well,
masking the flaws of my genetic code,
broadening my breasts, which hang
like veal, strung to a butchers hook.

II

Harold said he loved every inch of me .
He died a happy man.
We married in white, and despite
my sins they declared I looked angelic.

III

Toothpaste hangs limp over
the holders rim, fruit bowl offers
an open hand of furry rot,
two bruised apples withdraw
from the world.

IV

Will they care if my mini skirt
barely conceals
the skeletal horror of leg?
Would they prefer functional,
something easily removed?

V

I abandoned purity,
drunk in my mother's black dress.
Afterwards, on the bed post
it looked like a child
that had broken a vase.

VI

Yellow's a little too bright.
What of pink? memories of pony tail
and first crush. Red’s the language of life-
I have no time for such irony.

VII

I go with white.
Today it is sympathetic:
Harold would wait hours
whilst I dressed, patiently
perusing the papers.

I fear death shall not.

JohnLott
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Re: Dress Rehearsal

Post by JohnLott » Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:30 pm

Vincent, I presume the N is feminine

strung to a butchers hook - strung from feels better
the holders rim - the holder's rim I think
We married in white, and despite - No comma, I think

it looked like a child
that had broken a vase.


Don't understand this similie with regard to the 'broken vase'

Don't understand the reference to bones in the leg.

Apart from all that, I like this.

Good work.

:)

J.
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Vincent Turner
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Re: Dress Rehearsal

Post by Vincent Turner » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:18 pm

JohnLott wrote:Vincent, I presume the N is feminine
Correct!
JohnLott wrote:strung to a butchers hook - strung from feels better
the holders rim - the holder's rim I think
We married in white, and despite - No comma, I think
Thanks for that. I'll amend.
JohnLott wrote:it looked like a child
that had broken a vase.

Don't understand this similie with regard to the 'broken vase
Yeah I see your point. My intention was to, in a surreal sort of way, show the dress to have a guilty look about it- hence the child breaking the vase- that kinda of look........ Now that you have mentioned it, I worry the focus is to much on the vase.... Maybe, quite possibly, the whole simile fails... something to think about.
JohnLott wrote:Don't understand the reference to bones in the leg.
Again, to much focus on the leg.. it has not real significance, as the whole body is failing due to the cancer... I suppose, as I was talking about the skirt, the leg would be something on show.... some changes to this as well, I think.

Thanks John.

Best Regards

Vincent

Nash

Re: Dress Rehearsal

Post by Nash » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:49 pm

I enjoyed this Vincent, if enjoyed is the right word. It's certainly an uncomfortable read, just my sort of thing really.

'Genetic code' in S1 possibly sounds a little cold and scientific considering the visceral nature of the rest of the language?

S3 is excellent, especially the last two lines. S4 is very good too.

I like the idea of likening the dress to a guilty child in S5, but I'm not sure that it's quite working how it is. I wouldn't like to see it change too much though.

S6 starts well but I'm not sure about the red/irony section, seems a little obvious to me. I could be wrong here, perhaps see what others say about that. What do you think?

Excellent ending but is 'patiently perusing papers' needed? Maybe it would make it stronger to remover the alliteration there and move the separate final line up to join the rest?

This one brings to mind one of my favourites, Vacuum by Howard Nemerov. Have you read it?

Thanks,
Nash.

Vincent Turner
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Re: Dress Rehearsal

Post by Vincent Turner » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:06 pm

Hi Nash

Thanks for the feedback.
Nash wrote:'Genetic code' in S1 possibly sounds a little cold and scientific considering the visceral nature of the rest of the language?
I can see your point but I am thinking, the narrator has almost been brainwashed with scientific terminology and language due to time spent around doctors etc... well that is my defence!!!!
Nash wrote: I like the idea of likening the dress to a guilty child in S5, but I'm not sure that it's quite working how it is. I wouldn't like to see it change too much though.
I do like the idea, it formed part of the original poem, but I am in agreement that something is just not working.
Nash wrote:Excellent ending but is 'patiently perusing papers' needed? Maybe it would make it stronger to remover the alliteration there and move the separate final line up to join the rest?
it is quite possible I will go with your recommendation... if that's cool with you?
Nash wrote:This one brings to mind one of my favourites, Vacuum by Howard Nemerov. Have you read it?
Had not heard of him, and had not read the poem

Have now, and was taken by the poem. Its the sort of poetry that I like. Gonna look more into him and his work so BIG thanks for the pointer.

Best Regards and thanks

Vincent

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Re: Dress Rehearsal

Post by Suzanne » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:44 am

Vincent,

I enjoyed this very, very much. Lingered with it and read it a few times. It was uncomfortable, it contained innocence and bitterness in the same believable character. It has the element of time passing, reflective but not sentimental. Simple. Excellent.

My only nit would be "skeletal horror of leg", I think the word horror shows to much judgment and self discomfort rather than an detached voice of reflection. I would choose a different word, my opinion.

Thanks for the read, bravo Vincent.
Suzanne

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Re: Dress Rehearsal

Post by calico » Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:34 am

Hello there

A few thoughts here, for you to take or leave (as Clara Bow used to say....)

I'm taking this part to illustrate where I think you need to be direct and pare down. Using my red pen.


Toothpaste hangs limp over
the holders rim, fruit bowl offers
an open hand of furry rot,
two bruised apples withdraw
from the world.

The red is supposed to be where I would cross out by the way.
I just think you can get to the point. Am I missing something though, rhythymically?

And I'm using this to make another point, that when you are being risky with simile (ie. inviting the response - 'that doesn't make sense') you might stand to be more risky.

it looked like a child
that had broken a vase. (substitue: an urn. An urn - closer to the emotion of guilt and the blackness of the dress)

Coming close after reading Little Whale the break into numbered stanzas slightly bugged me. With the other one I could read it as trimesters or something, but with this one it seems gratuitous to me - but I'm open to persuasion!
Thanks.

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Re: Dress Rehearsal

Post by JohnLott » Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:35 am

Nash wrote: I like the idea of likening the dress to a guilty child in S5, but I'm not sure that it's quite working how it is. I wouldn't like to see it change too much though.
Now I understand why you included this, I think it's not bad - perhaps it doesn't work because it's hard to imagine a (modern)bedpost tall enough to model the dress in the way you describe.

:)

J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

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