Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

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brianedwards
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Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

Post by brianedwards » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:23 pm

Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

Assumptions about the weather were unsound,
the think tank concluded, and in need of review.
No longer can the calendar industry rest on its laurels
with snow the domain of entrepreneurs.

The think tank concluded, and, in need of review,
a proliferation of plastic trees was feared.
With snow the domain of entrepreneurs,
weather fell from the sky like a ticker-tape parade.

A proliferation of plastic trees was feared
as many-sided dice rolled across the clouds.
Weather fell from the sky like a ticker-tape parade
but no such luck the sun— Oh how the mighty had fallen.

As many-sided dice rolled across the clouds
Earth, once a stately home, had seen much better days.
But no such luck the sun. How the mighty had fallen
so far remained a mystery to the bespectacled masses.

Earth, once a stately home, had seen much better days
and how to repair the busted bell and leaky roof
so far remained a mystery to the bespectacled masses.
Perhaps the answer really is written on tablets of stone

and how to repair the busted bell and leaky roof
depends on who is brave enough to risk embarrassment.
Perhaps the answer really is written on tablets of stone,
regardless of research grants and tenure.

Depends on who is brave enough to risk embarrassment
in public, their words lost in the swish of cold coffee.
Regardless of research grants and tenure,
action is inevitable and the mountain beckons because,

in public, their words lost in the swish of cold coffee,
no longer can the calendar industry rest on its laurels.
Action is inevitable and the mountain beckons because
assumptions about the weather were unsound.












~

calico
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Re: Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

Post by calico » Sat Oct 08, 2011 11:55 am

Is this a pantoum? I'm not confident with that diagnosis. It definitely has some symptoms!
All the repeated lines are fantastic and I would only suggest minor changes like I don't think you need 'now' in the snow line, because accent should be on 'domain', and I also would say 'the swish of a cold cup of coffee', otherwise it sounds as if it is the cup that is cold if ya see...
What else.
A form like this draw attention to cleverness and playfulness like calendars...laurels... in a pleasing way.
But to me it reads like a series of repeating lines, limited to the form - there are places where I feel the metaphor/imagery could take off - the earth as a church, with a dome over it, being inside a tank/thinktank - within an artificial environment (is this a continuation of your thought on 'Green?) - - but the form dictates and you have to return to the words as they are.
Saying that I absolutely apprecciate its accomplishment. Apprecciate? Appreciate.

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Re: Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

Post by JohnLott » Sat Oct 08, 2011 9:36 pm

Hello Brian,

Like Calico, I know that this is a structured form but not what it is called.

I feel that the story is subservient to form, so no matter how technically perfect or skilful is the
pattern, the poem is unsatisfying.

While learning, I have found, for example, things like Frost’s ‘cadence’ are more natural and musical than formality.

Top marks for technical ability, but fewer marks for ‘artistry’

Obviously I can't crit this or offer advice on how to improve it.

J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

brianedwards
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Re: Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

Post by brianedwards » Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:32 am

This is a pantoum, yes, and of the half dozen or so I've written over the years, this is probably the one that has grown most organically out of the original idea, so to hear you both reporting that the content seems subservient to the form is a little disappointing. Oh well, I'm certainly not going to try and undo the whole thing, though I will tinker with a few bits and bobs, notably the coffee cup that bothered Megan - yes, does sound a bit odd doesn't it. Cheers.

Thanks to both of you.

B.

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Re: Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

Post by calico » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:47 am

brianedwards wrote: I'm certainly not going to try and undo the whole thing
No! By no means. It looks like John Lott and I commented on the form but not the poem. It does express its idea - I won't try to summarise the idea but I think I understand what it is - but it is an organic and mutable idea that seems to invite digression and diversification, and I think I've always supposed that when using strict forms the idea itself needs to be whittled down. So what I was saying was that the idea generates other ideas which then can't be dealt with within the form.
Discuss?

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Re: Progress Report: Holocene, Subatlantic

Post by brianedwards » Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:00 am

Maybe the poem isn't finished?
Or maybe poetry should leave ideas unresolved, in order to prompt examinations outside of the poem's stanzas?
Dunno. But food for thought on the train ride home. Will maybe check in with further thoughts later.
Thanks for engaging here Megan.

B.

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