Yoked-edit 2

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Suzanne
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Yoked-edit 2

Post by Suzanne » Mon Oct 03, 2011 10:54 am

Yoked

Morning reveals cracks in my denial
and all hope fragments with the light
through the lace curtain. I sink
in the morning-after tide,

drift down the stairs, stop in the kitchen
and check the eggs I'd counted
and placed in my basket, last night
before he noticed
I'd let him down again.

Now, shell stubble lies on the table,
bits cling to stiff-backed chairs
and white flecks stick to my socks
as I tiptoe to try

to make his coffee that way he likes it.






Version 2

Denial shaken, hope floats fragmented
as I ride the morning-after tide
down the stairs, stop in the kitchen
and check the eggs
I cautiously placed in the basket
last night, before bed,
last night, before he noticed.

Now, shell stubble lay on the table,
breakfast light plays shadow games
on bits that cling to stiff backed chairs,
and while I make his coffee,
white flecks stick to my socks.







---------------
Version 1

She rides the morning-after tide
down the stairs,
stops in the kitchen
to adjust the eggs
she'd gathered and named
last night, before bed,
last night, before you noticed
she'd let you down again.

Broken shell lay like stubble
on the surface of the table,
bits cling to chairs skewed
out of position, as if on the move,
white flecks stick to her socks
as she walks on tiptoe
to make your coffee.
.
Last edited by Suzanne on Thu Oct 06, 2011 1:28 pm, edited 7 times in total.

JohnLott
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Re: Yoked

Post by JohnLott » Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:47 pm

Hard to understand this, Suzanne with 'adjusts the eggs' and 'she walks on tiptoe' when the shells litter the table.
And I feel there is a tense issue here that interupts the flow:
Broken shell lay like stubble
on the surface of the table,
bits cling to chairs skewed


There is something here waiting to be released

:)

J.
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Re: Yoked

Post by BenJohnson » Mon Oct 03, 2011 7:29 pm

There is always a mystery or to in your poems which cause my to scratch my head (if this goes on much longer I'll be blaming you for any bald spots). I'm taking this to be the morning after a relationship disagreement with the she literally walking on eggshells. S1L5 I'm wondering why the eggs are being named (unless an egg collector) I generally just stack them in boxes unnamed until I omelettise them.

L6/7 last night reappears in close succession and doesn't add anything for me with the repetition.

S2 L3/4 you put a lot of empathise on the chairs being skewed, even adding that they appear to be on the move and yet for me there appears no reason why there is so much focus on the chairs which don't appear to be an important image or a metaphor for something else.

However I like the overall impression as I read this but feel like the outline is still too indistinct for me to make a guess at the story.

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Re: Yoked

Post by calico » Mon Oct 03, 2011 7:38 pm

I don't find a mystery in this, my problem was the opposite that it too closely follows the metaphor of walking on eggshells. This is just my problem, as it's well thought out, from the 'Yoked' of the title - two creatures tied together- and throughout. It could be more refined - broken shell like stubble? I took the chairs on the move to be the desire to get the hell out of there. She's gathering and naming eggs, maybe because she wants children, maybe because this relationship is turning her into an egg-namer. Could you inject some creeping hush noises or tension into the last few lines? The words say she is on tiptoe but sound a bit stompy.

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Re: Yoked

Post by Nicky B » Tue Oct 04, 2011 12:04 pm

Suzanne,

I'm really confused now. Is this an edit to your Not Caught poem? BTW I liked the original of that, but couldn't understand it properly as I'm not sure what you menat by third stage - what is that?

I liked some of the sounds in this, but it confuses me too much for me to be able to say that I enjoyed the poem as a whole. I'm sorry to be so dense but I am quite muddled.

Nicky B.

Nash

Re: Yoked

Post by Nash » Tue Oct 04, 2011 4:23 pm

Hello Suzanne,

I think that this is mostly very nice, especially the title. Like Calico, I'm taking it to be a metaphor for walking on eggshells, but I think you've handled it very well.

I can't quite imagine broken shells being like stubble, that image isn't really working for me.

Also I'm not sure that the she/you thing is working very well. With 'you' it's like you're putting me directly in that situation and I don't know who 'she' is, so it's difficult to place myself there. I would perhaps suggest changing it to 'I' and 'you' which disconnects me from it as a reader (in a good way). Or perhaps it's just the way I'm reading it at the moment, see what others think about that.

Thanks,
Nash.

Suzanne
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Re: Yoked

Post by Suzanne » Tue Oct 04, 2011 6:59 pm

I am so surprised at the responses! Great feedback.

Lol, I don't know what else to say.... there is such a nice mix of reviews.
I'm contemplating an edit and at the same time... can't help but enjoy that there is a mystery.


Thank you John, Calico, Nicky, Megan and Ben.
Your feedback has kindled a nice fire in me. What a lovely challenge.

I'll show more of my hand with an edit soon.

Thank you very much.
Suzanne

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Re: Yoked

Post by ray miller » Tue Oct 04, 2011 7:26 pm

I can't get my head round all of this either. Someone wants to be pregnant and can't, but it doesn't all fit.I do like the rhythm and rhyme of the 2nd verse. Mostly I want to know what kind of relationship turns someone into an egg-namer.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Suzanne
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Post by Suzanne » Tue Oct 04, 2011 7:36 pm

Lol.

Oh.

If I write it well in the edit it will only show how poorly I conveyed it the first time!

This is such fun though... I'm hooked on this writing thing.

Thanks ray.
Suzanne

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Re: Yoked-edit

Post by Suzanne » Wed Oct 05, 2011 1:06 pm

Well, hmm. I shrug and smile.
I'm not sure either but .....onward we go.

Suzanne

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Re: Yoked-edit

Post by calico » Thu Oct 06, 2011 7:43 am

The re-write makes me less sure of this than I was, now the suggestions of fertility/pregnancy are stronger - 'morning-after' and focus on the eggs. The first line:
'Denial shaken, hope floats fragmented' doesn't make sense to me.
S2 sounds better to me in the revision. Shouldn't the tense in shell stubble lay still be in the present, as it's the morning.
Sorry, this is a bit of an unresolved response. What do you think about this:

I ride the morning-after tide
down the stairs, stop in the kitchen
and check the eggs
I cautiously placed in the basket
last night, before bed,
last night, before he noticed.
Shell stubble lies on the table,
breakfast light plays shadow games
on bits that cling to stiff backed chairs.
While I make his coffee
white flecks stick to my socks.

JohnLott
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Re: Yoked-edit

Post by JohnLott » Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:15 am

Don't know what is happening here, now, with this re-write.

Would I be wrong to say it suggests that Hubby is a secret snacker; that he had a midnight orgy on eggs?

:?

J.
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Suzanne
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Re: Yoked-edit

Post by Suzanne » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:13 am

Ooh...this is not going well. lol.
It's like a bad party game. Nothing about fertility in this. but thanks for the feedback....

Let me think a minute....
Suzanne

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Re: Yoked-edit

Post by BenJohnson » Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:18 am

I was taking the original to be more about an abusive marriage, the re-write removed most of the elements that caused me to think that. I can see where the hint of fertility enters with the phrases Calico highlights 'morning after', 'eggs'. It it isn't on either of those two themes then I'm lost, adrift on a sea of egg white.

Suzanne
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Re: Yoked-edit 2

Post by Suzanne » Thu Oct 06, 2011 1:35 pm

Well, that is the best I can do with this, it has gone from fun to really silly.
I don't think it is worth much more time.
What a lovely hobby: poetry. It can make a girl scream. lol.
But I love the play of it all and this poem has been yet another lesson in how much more there is to learn!

This edit spelt it out, right? No more mystery here.
And that is a good thing? lol....

Not a good poem but, its one more on the road to somewhere.....

Thank you calico and John with your feedback and help.
Ben, yes, your first impression was the closest.

Warmly,
Suzanne

Suzanne
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Re: Yoked-edit 2

Post by Suzanne » Thu Oct 06, 2011 1:37 pm

No, this edit is not what I wanted to say either.
Drat, blast..... rock in my shoe.

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Re: Yoked-edit 2

Post by JohnLott » Thu Oct 06, 2011 1:58 pm

If you're going to dump anything, metaphorically speaking, you should dump the bad guy, keep the poem and have a nice sunny-side up egg and bacon breakfast......

:P

J.
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Re: Yoked-edit 2

Post by BenJohnson » Thu Oct 06, 2011 2:13 pm

Suzanne wrote:No, this edit is not what I wanted to say either.
This edit is a much better read for me I wouldn't say it is the final product but I would say it starts off as a much smoother piece of writing and starts to develop a rhythm that wobbles halfway into S2 and doesn't really recover.
Suzanne wrote:Drat, blast..... rock in my shoe.
Try to wriggle your toes a bit more you can usually find a spot where it feels more comfortable.

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Re: Yoked-edit 2

Post by Suzanne » Thu Oct 06, 2011 5:18 pm

Ok, I will try one more time. Thanks Ben. Chance of it be´coming a real poem? lol. Let's see what a day or two can do.

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