Selective Amnesia

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Selective Amnesia

Post by Suzanne » Fri Sep 30, 2011 11:00 am

Selective Amnesia


I'm at my best on the morning commute
when I remember you don't exist,
tap the steering wheel
to a house-beat bass,
watch the grey morning haze
lift off the city. It works well
most ordinary week days, when I drift
along with strangers on the asphalt.

Or maybe it's when I head home
and remember we never existed,
that what I thought was you
was really only a character I'd seen
in a movie after two glasses of wine,
when my clothes fell off
and I was feeling friendly.

And that thing I'd heard you say
was really just a bad dream
mixed with the B-movie script
and a few errors in judgement.





.
Last edited by Suzanne on Sat Oct 01, 2011 7:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Vincent Turner
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 341
Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:21 pm

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Vincent Turner » Fri Sep 30, 2011 12:28 pm

Hi Suzanne I like this.

I don't think you need the "grey" in the fifth line, the word haze is enough.

This goes with "ordinary" in the seventh line, it jarred me.

in the third line of the second stanza, the "that what" made me stumble, also and this feels quiet cheeky to say as it my worst sin but I think you need either a period or something after "existed" at the end of that second line.

Enjoyed the read.

Best Regards

Vincent

Mic
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1758
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:58 am
antispam: no
Contact:

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Mic » Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:21 pm

... getting back on form I think Suzanne!

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Suzanne » Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:48 am

Vincent,
Thank you for the input. It certainly has been said before that I use too many "extra" words, lol. Haze can be white like a low drifting cloud. This one is grey and heavy. As for ordinary, hmmm. I will think about that and appreciate your comments. Thanks.

Mic, big smile.... maybe, hope so. Thank you.

Suzanne

calico
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 400
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:06 pm
Location: london lovely london
Contact:

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by calico » Sat Oct 01, 2011 7:14 pm

I agree - very nice! Starts off behind the wheel and freewheels along, good flow. Shouldn't it be 'a few errors of judgement.' ?

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Suzanne » Sat Oct 01, 2011 7:28 pm

Thank you! Yes, I added the "a".


:) thanks,
Suzanne

Oskar
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1692
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 3:40 pm

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Oskar » Sun Oct 02, 2011 2:30 pm

I really like this one Suzanne, although wish your lady was commuting on a steam train into town (!), as I think it reads a bit like a what happened next... after Trevor has departed to Africa, leaving Celia to continue her journeys into London. I notice that you were planning to watch Brief Encounter on DVD. Did you enjoy it? It's one of my favouites and certainly no B-movie.

One to be read and enjoyed, read and enjoyed.

Regards
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

JohnLott
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1326
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:35 pm
Location: Devon

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by JohnLott » Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:54 pm

(Error in - error of: Both seem legitimate in modern usage. Whatever.)

:D :D

J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by ray miller » Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:01 pm

Wasn't that keen on "remember we never existed" after "you don't exist". Is it important to state "we"? Otherwise

Or maybe when I head home and remember
that what I thought was you
was just a character seen in a movie
after two glasses of wine,
when I was feeling friendly
and my clothes fell off.

Just a thought.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Post by Suzanne » Mon Oct 03, 2011 5:10 am

Thanks Oskar, I am glad you liked it. Really. Always nice to hear from you.

No, I haven't seen BE yet! Plans got changed that night....but it's on the calendar for tomorrow night. A girl's night double feature: BE and Mrs. Miniver (???) that my daughter is dying to watch with me. Should be fun. Know it?

John, yep... I picked what I thought was less common. Thanks.

Ray, I wanted the we because the first part was as an individual, the second stanza, with the mention of home, was referring to a couple.

I had "we" but wasn't sure. Thanks for the crit., Ray.

Suzanne

Nicky B
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 497
Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 8:39 pm

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Nicky B » Mon Oct 03, 2011 9:04 am

Hi Suzanne,

A return to form indeed. This is a very enjoyable read. In reference to some of the other crits I like "grey" and I like "we" - it balances well with S1. The thing I'm not sure about is the final line. I'm not sure you need it at all, and would be tempted to end on movie script. Just a thought,

Good stuff,

Nicky B.

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Arian » Mon Oct 03, 2011 7:26 pm

Hi Suzanne

Well, it's a thematic territory you often explore, of course. And there seems little doubt that you're getting good at it. S1 is particularly strong, with its rap-like rhythm and rhyme. Personally, I think that, after S1, it tends to drift a little (what david calls "getting home" after a good idea).

One nit - I think you'd be better with

errors of judgement.

Cheers
peter

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by Suzanne » Tue Oct 04, 2011 7:15 pm

Thank you, Nicky. I appreciate your support of those bits. Nice that you told me.

Peter, thanks for the feedback. I like it. Getting good, eh? that is nice to hear. ( wahoo!)
In my original, I had two more verses..... realized that they were actually quite sentimental and dropped them.

I think that this poem, though not great... does show I have made some headway in the over use of adjectives and emotional tones. Atleast that is what I tell myself, lol. Same theme, yes, but, well, getting better at it. great.

And why would you prefer "of" grammatical reasoning or sound? Curious.

Suzanne

OwenEdwards
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 459
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2009 3:34 am
Location: Hertfordshire/Durham, UK

Re: Selective Amnesia

Post by OwenEdwards » Sun Oct 09, 2011 3:30 pm

Right on the money Su. Love the negation of the relationship being not via forgetfulness but via active denial - and the fantastic idea of one's clothes falling off in response to a movie character!

Back on form, I think, as said above.

Post Reply