Apples

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Sharra
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Apples

Post by Sharra » Sun Jun 26, 2011 8:47 am

Evening folds around each fruit.
I catch the one that falls,
feel the curve of its mottled skin.
Between breaths I wait for you, remember
how your teeth pierced windfalls, remember you
pucker-faced at their green unreadiness.

When we kissed your lips were tart
and tight. My mouth watered
at the sourness of you, the taste
of juice on your tongue. And now
you’re here, I’m giddy, overrun
with soft-lipped sweetness. Warm flesh sighs
as I hold you, and above us, in the branches,
all these apples contain the taste of you.
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

Mic
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Re: Apples

Post by Mic » Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:33 am

I love that opening line Sharra.

The transition from l3 to l4 seems a bit abrupt. I'd be inclined perhaps to start a new stanza there. That'll give more time to appreciate those opening lines.

l4 is overly poetic, and hard to picture.

l6. Having two visually different descriptions of the fruit in so short a space of time is a problem for me (their mottled skin earlier, and their green unreadiness - nice phrase - later).

I feel the apple analogy gets overplayed in the second stanza.

Looking forward to reading more of you.

Michaela
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

brianedwards
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Re: Apples

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jun 26, 2011 10:00 am

I love the 1st line too, but hoped it was perhaps a metaphor for aging. It all gets a bit Mills & Boon after that, and not very convincing to me. The whole apple thing has been done to death hasn't it?

Don't these lines contradict each other?

When we kissed your lips were tart
and tight. My mouth watered
at [...] the taste
of juice on your tongue.


Good to see you back Nicky, but hoping for something up to your usual standard soon.

B.

Vincent Turner
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Re: Apples

Post by Vincent Turner » Sun Jun 26, 2011 10:33 am

Hi

I am in agreement with Brian here, the theme here is one that has indeed been done many many times- and as such offers nothing new, it fails to excite me and to feel anything for the characters within the poem. There are some nice lines here but they are soon swallowed up by the introduction of "I" and "you"

There is a real contrast with the language as well- going from this ( which I really like)

Evening folds around each fruit
.

to this

Warm flesh sighs
as I hold you
,

This poem has promise but could do with a less obvious fruit/human relationship theme.

Thanks for the read

Best Regards

Vincent

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Re: Apples

Post by Ros » Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:03 pm

Hi Nicky,

Great to read your work again. I really like the first verse, but I think I'd agree that the later part is perhaps rather an obvious way to go. I wonder if you could stick with the apples and never mention the people again - we'd know it was about them, but you could run with the metaphor in a less obvious way.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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twoleftfeet
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Re: Apples

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jun 27, 2011 12:23 pm

Great opening line, Nicky.

L2 - Did an apple just happen to fall into your hand? :)
"I gather one that falls"
- thank me later.

(Unless, as Brian was wondering, it is all about ageing?)

remember
how your teeth pierced windfalls, remember you


- do you need those 4 words?

I agree with the consensus that the ending is a little corny.
Just a suggestion - make "warm flesh sighs" refer entirely to the apples.

Isaac Newton
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Sharra
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Re: Apples

Post by Sharra » Mon Jun 27, 2011 9:35 pm

Thanks for the thoughts on this everyone, I like the idea of making it less explicitly about the people, and will work on that :)
Brian - this is my standard at the moment lol
Nicky
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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