angry clowns

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John G
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angry clowns

Post by John G » Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:23 am

Version 2

Due to the history of falling apart
clowns are finding it increasingly hard
too get cheap car insurance.
The clowns are angry
but they don't show it.

Behind white faces there is no hint of the resentment
that grows underneath comically sized trousers.

The clowns know they only make sense
in a certain context
underneath a big top
modelling balloons at young Bens 7th birthday.

Not here in your garden
viewed from behind a curtain
at 4.53am.




Version 1
Due to the history of falling apart
clowns are finding it increasingly hard
too get cheap car insurance.

There is a sense of discrimination.

Meetings have been arranged
a website programmed.

The clowns are angry
but they don't show it.

Behind white faces there is no hint of the resentment
that grows underneath comically sized trousers.

The clowns know they only make sense
in a certain context
underneath a big top
modelling balloons at young Bens 7th birthday.

Not here in your garden
viewed from behind a curtain
4.53am.
Last edited by John G on Mon Jun 27, 2011 3:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Mic
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Re: angry clowns

Post by Mic » Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:01 pm

Hi John,

You've got a couple of typos in your first three lines, which is a bit off-putting :? (They are funny lines though)

I also like the humour contained in l7 & l8. I wonder if you even need l9 & l10 (the reader will enjoy 'getting it' at 9 & 10, so it seems perhaps to be ramming your point home to go on to explain what you mean, and those lines are a bit 'telly' ).

Not keen on lines 11 - 14 either.

I like the image of peering from behind the curtain at 4.53 am at a group of rogue clowns.

This is a bit patchy (and a bit sloppy, tut tut) but does have your trademark surreality, which I like.

Michaela
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

brianedwards
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Re: angry clowns

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:40 pm

A big fat raspberry being blown here I'm afraid John. Quite staggeringly shite.

B.

John G
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Re: angry clowns

Post by John G » Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:07 pm

Thanks for the pointers Mic, will look into them but given Brians feedback it seems the only thing that improve this is the delete button.

Brian, thanks for the honest feedback.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

David
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Re: angry clowns

Post by David » Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:18 pm

I'm at work now but I've logged in, quickly, to say John, don't hit that delete button. I like quite a lot of this, and fortunately the bits I like are all joined together.

How would this work for you?

The clowns are angry
but they don't show it.

Behind white faces there is no hint of the resentment
that grows underneath comically sized trousers.

The clowns know they only make sense
in a certain context
underneath a big top
modelling balloons at young Bens 7th birthday.

Not here in your garden
viewed from behind a curtain
4.53am.


Well I like it.

Cheers

David

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Re: angry clowns

Post by Oskar » Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:30 pm

John G wrote:The clowns know they only make sense
in a certain context
underneath a big top
modelling balloons at young Bens 7th birthday.

Not here in your garden
viewed from behind a curtain
4.53am.
I'd probably want to boil it down to S6 and S7, developing S6 (opening with - Clowns only make sense/
in a certain context
) and keeping S7 as is.

VERY enjoyable.

Regards
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

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Re: angry clowns

Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:48 pm

I have to agree with Michaela, and with David's pruning, John.

Spine Milligna himself might have written
The clowns are angry/but they don't show it

Come to think of it, "The clowns are angry" would IMHO be a better title, with "but they don't show it" as L1.

Have you been watching Psychoville, John ? :)
That clown is seriously c-r-e-e-p-y!

Tiny nits:
I think you need a meatier verb than "grows" and I would maybe change "underneath" to something simpler and shorter
like "in" or "under".

It is good to see so many people on the site each with his/her own unmistakeable "voice" and way of looking at things.
Now, if you don't mind, John, get down from the ceiling at once!

Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

John G
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Re: angry clowns

Post by John G » Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:54 pm

just at work, so i'll keep i short,

Geff, yep Mr Jelly is one scary clown, but not as scary as Silent Singer - and as fort the title, yep will probabaly make that change.

Oskar and David, your right it probably needs shortening. The initial idea was from watching a car insurance advert which took me to clowns and their cars, but maybe the poem can do without that and reading David edit, well, it just sounds/reads better.

change to comei guess.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

ray miller
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Re: angry clowns

Post by ray miller » Tue Jun 21, 2011 8:00 pm

David's abridged version is a lot better, John. But I think you ought to have " or modelling balloons..." and "at 4.53am" just to be clear.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: angry clowns

Post by bodkin » Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:30 pm

I thought this was really good, amusing, nicely paced, some marvellous moments...

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

Vincent Turner
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Re: angry clowns

Post by Vincent Turner » Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:51 pm

I really like the idea behind this poem, and have tried and failed many times myself to write a poem about clowns etc.

I do however think that this could do with some more work. There are some amusing and clever lines here...
The clowns are angry
but they don't show it.

But the majority of the poem reads as mere filler, and ( this could be my own failings as a reader) does for the most part read like random thoughts about clowns added to the page and made into a poem.

the opening stanza almost reads like a joke without the punch line... maybe that was your intention?

Best Regards

Vincent

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Re: angry clowns

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 21, 2011 11:18 pm

Coming at this again John, I do really like the first line.

B.

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Re: angry clowns

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:10 pm

brianedwards wrote:Coming at this again John, I do really like the first line.

B.
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Re: angry clowns

Post by John G » Mon Jun 27, 2011 3:58 pm

Thanks for all stopping by.

Have re-posted with David’s changes, however have decided to keep the first lines about car insurance as that was the main inspiration for the piece and was the jump of point for them being angry in the first place.
As always appreciate the feedback.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

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