The facts in the case

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bodkin
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The facts in the case

Post by bodkin » Tue Jun 14, 2011 6:49 pm

The facts in the case

"A murder is about to be committed."

Click.

I return the silent Bakelite to the phone
that stands its lonely vigil in the hall --
there was a loaded pistol here earlier
but it's gone now.

In the living room Brown
sifts ash on his knees in the grate.
"I'm fairly sure there were two envelopes,"
he says, explaining everything

except motive, method and opportunity.
I already know the second letter was forged.
Through the window a constable, bored in shrubbery, guards

the broken cake-stand --
which could only be planned by someone
who knew when the poison was moved...

Further back, a man in white coveralls

takes casts of size nine boots, and a woman
dusts his evidence bag for prints.
Touching.
I smile. I sprint,

past the portraits of previous victims,
to the study. Where I catch my breath. There are two
causes to any death: what the killer did,
and what the victim did to deserve it.


Time to act. I am alone.
I take the phone,
dial the extension
and when it's answered speak:

"A murder is about to be committed,"

and then I hang up and sneak
away.
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: The facts in the case

Post by benjamin » Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:02 pm

This would make a much better flash fiction piece than a poem. I'm not even sure why you thought to make it a poem.
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Re: The facts in the case

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:32 am

I agree with Ben. Great mood, but I'm not reading poetry here.

B.

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Re: The facts in the case

Post by Arian » Fri Jun 17, 2011 6:30 pm

Hi Ian

Quite an intriguing narrative here, but I'm afraid I'm another who's struggling a little to see poetry in it. It's back to my usual, and rather dull, lament: odd line breaks doth not a poem make.

Cheers
peter

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Re: The facts in the case

Post by Celtic Mists » Mon Jun 20, 2011 2:56 pm

I found the critiques about this very useful indeed as I'm still a total beginner but it was my final reaction too. Nevertheless the first 4 lines did start out extremely well and caught my attention immediately.
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Re: The facts in the case

Post by John G » Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:58 am

atmospheric and i see Poirot twiddling with waxed 'tasche..naturally it leaves more questions but as for "is it poetry?", I'll leave that to those better qualified
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Re: The facts in the case

Post by bodkin » Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:14 pm

Thanks all,

I'm glad John comes a little way towards getting something from it, but I guess this one doesn't really work...

Back to the drawing board, maybe a new pair of compasses would help?

Ian
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