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the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 12:40 am
by stuartryder
all things come
to an end
good or bad
or any of the
intervening greys

night is epic
frustrating
filled with crime
dramas and
ice hockey

dont tell the doctor
im disobeying orders
just to finish the poem
he said keep your sling on
and dont write the last line

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 1:40 am
by brianedwards
Lose S2? I'm getting nothing from it. I like the idea of being ordered by a doctor not to write.

B.

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 8:50 am
by Richard
I like the doctor ref too. s1 is the one that leaves me cold. I quite like the humour in s2.

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:52 am
by David
I like this one too. Not to trivialise your experiences at the moment, Stu, but are going through some sort of Blood on the Tracks phase?

I like it all, although I wonder whether the intervening greys should go with black and white rather than good and bad. A bit obvious, perhaps?

I think S2 is terrific.

Cheers

David

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:58 am
by twoleftfeet
Stu,

I too like S2.

In the final stanza I think it would interesting to leave the final phrase incomplete.

Geoff

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 12:24 am
by Magpie Jane
A really good one, I think. Neat, compact, and quite engaging.

A wee suggestion to pull S1 & S2 together:

all things come
to an end
and still
night is epic
frustrating
filled with crime
dramas and
ice hockey


I also like Geoff's (vaguely disturbing) idea of leaving the final phrase incomplete.
But
I also like it as it is here & now.

Jane

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 8:59 am
by John G
enjoyable read....s2 being my the best.

My only suggestion would be to change S1 to
all things must
come to an end
good or bad
or any of the
intervening greys

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 11:02 am
by brianedwards
Seems I'm outnumbered regarding S2 . . . would love to hear more from those who champion it. Reading again I still find it a distraction to the main thrust of the poem . . . my lens could be foggy.

B.

Re: the end of a poem in draft

Posted: Fri May 06, 2011 4:51 pm
by David
brianedwards wrote:Seems I'm outnumbered regarding S2 . . . would love to hear more from those who champion it.
It sounds like a dark night of the soul in front of the TV to me.