all things come
to an end
good or bad
or any of the
intervening greys
night is epic
frustrating
filled with crime
dramas and
ice hockey
dont tell the doctor
im disobeying orders
just to finish the poem
he said keep your sling on
and dont write the last line
the end of a poem in draft
-
stuartryder
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 897
- Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2008 1:45 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Warrington, UK
-
brianedwards
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5375
- Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Japan
- Contact:
Re: the end of a poem in draft
Lose S2? I'm getting nothing from it. I like the idea of being ordered by a doctor not to write.
B.
B.
Re: the end of a poem in draft
I like the doctor ref too. s1 is the one that leaves me cold. I quite like the humour in s2.
Re: the end of a poem in draft
I like this one too. Not to trivialise your experiences at the moment, Stu, but are going through some sort of Blood on the Tracks phase?
I like it all, although I wonder whether the intervening greys should go with black and white rather than good and bad. A bit obvious, perhaps?
I think S2 is terrific.
Cheers
David
I like it all, although I wonder whether the intervening greys should go with black and white rather than good and bad. A bit obvious, perhaps?
I think S2 is terrific.
Cheers
David
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Re: the end of a poem in draft
Stu,
I too like S2.
In the final stanza I think it would interesting to leave the final phrase incomplete.
Geoff
I too like S2.
In the final stanza I think it would interesting to leave the final phrase incomplete.
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
-
Magpie Jane
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1218
- Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2011 11:27 pm
- Location: Kosmos
Re: the end of a poem in draft
A really good one, I think. Neat, compact, and quite engaging.
A wee suggestion to pull S1 & S2 together:
all things come
to an end
and still
night is epic
frustrating
filled with crime
dramas and
ice hockey
I also like Geoff's (vaguely disturbing) idea of leaving the final phrase incomplete.
But
I also like it as it is here & now.
Jane
A wee suggestion to pull S1 & S2 together:
all things come
to an end
and still
night is epic
frustrating
filled with crime
dramas and
ice hockey
I also like Geoff's (vaguely disturbing) idea of leaving the final phrase incomplete.
But
I also like it as it is here & now.
Jane
Everything looks better by candlelight. Everything sounds more plausible on the shortwave.
-
John G
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 826
- Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
- Contact:
Re: the end of a poem in draft
enjoyable read....s2 being my the best.
My only suggestion would be to change S1 to
My only suggestion would be to change S1 to
all things must
come to an end
good or bad
or any of the
intervening greys
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
-
brianedwards
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 5375
- Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Japan
- Contact:
Re: the end of a poem in draft
Seems I'm outnumbered regarding S2 . . . would love to hear more from those who champion it. Reading again I still find it a distraction to the main thrust of the poem . . . my lens could be foggy.
B.
B.
Re: the end of a poem in draft
It sounds like a dark night of the soul in front of the TV to me.brianedwards wrote:Seems I'm outnumbered regarding S2 . . . would love to hear more from those who champion it.