listen

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Sharra
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listen

Post by Sharra » Sat Apr 16, 2011 8:55 am

listen

as I tell you
it can’t be crushed

into a tiny box, left
on a shelf, forgotten

as it hums with static
let me show you

how it still clings
to your neck, choking

you with loving arms
as it crackles and fizzes

inside your skin,
waiting for its chance

to tell you this
and this and this
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

brianedwards
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Re: listen

Post by brianedwards » Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:07 am

Nice. Different. Think you could pare it down further though :D .
S3 could be nixed without loss, and then begin S4 "listen how it clings" (yes, I know, how can you listen to something cling? Works for me.)
Other thoughts:
L10 - nix "as it"?
L12 - nix "for its chance" (though I'm less sure about this)

Good to see you around.

B.

Mic
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Re: listen

Post by Mic » Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:14 am

Hi Sharra,

You got my attention with that title. This is intriguing, but in the end unsatisfying. I like the movement of the short line couplets that pulse with a quiet insistence. Is this one of those 'riddle' poems? If so, there aren't enough clues - for me at least - to work out what the 'it' at the center of it is. I can't work out what sort of 'it' could cling around a neck with loving arms and at the same time be inside the skin. A bit too abstract?

Nice to see you and I do look forward to reading more of you.

Michaela
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Arian
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Re: listen

Post by Arian » Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:25 pm

Nice to see you around again, Nicky.

I like the mood created by this. There’s a sort of vague, but still powerful, sense of wisdom about it. The trouble is, that’s all it is – a vague mood. Like Michaela, I can't help feeling that it’s a bit too abstract, too ill-defined in its direction to really affect the reader. The first four lines (very good) promise a lot, but the piece then leaves us adrift, with no lifeline to the poet’s point. In that sense, as Mic says, it’s unsatisfying.

Still, as always, it’s a pleasure to engage with your work.
peter

Sharra
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Re: listen

Post by Sharra » Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:09 pm

Thanks for the thoughts guys, I'll look at making it a bit more concrete - it's sposed to be about our inner voice, who we really are, but thats obviously not coming across clearly.
Ncky
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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twoleftfeet
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Re: listen

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Apr 22, 2011 2:23 pm

Sharra wrote:Thanks for the thoughts guys, I'll look at making it a bit more concrete - it's sposed to be about our inner voice, who we really are, but thats obviously not coming across clearly.
Ncky
x
I think it's too physical, in a sense - all that fizzing and crackling had me thinking of hearing aids, implants
and the like :)
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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