Sunset- edit

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Suzanne
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Sunset- edit

Post by Suzanne » Tue Apr 12, 2011 5:48 pm

Sunset

She thinks she'd like
to be trapped in his prism,
in red licked translucence
of a fire storm sky

or drifting like algae
float down his loved river,
occasionally bumping
the edges of life.

Perhaps, there'd be orange-
rind peelings of sunshine,
exposed freckled faces,
beams kissed with a yellow

light filtered through gauze,
shoes tied with white ribbon,
her straw hat between them
swinging, palm and hand.

Long shadows, deep trailing
upon terracotta
burnt sand slowly cooling,
crisscrossing the shore,

she imagines she'd like
to be caught in his prism
sand-prints show a padding
of feet to a fire.





.

Fire at Sunset

She thinks she'd like
to be trapped in his prism,
in red licked translucence
of a fire storm sky

or drifting, like algae,
float his be-loved river,
occasionally bumping
the edges of life.

Perhaps, there'd be orange-
rind peelings of sunshine,
exposed freckled faces,
beams kissed with a yellow

light filtered through gauze,
shoes tied with white ribbon,
her straw hat between them
swinging, palm and hand.

Long shadows, deep trailing
upon terracotta burnt sand
slowly cooling, would flow
with a padding of feet
to a fire.
Last edited by Suzanne on Sun Apr 17, 2011 7:49 am, edited 11 times in total.

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Helen Bywater
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Re: Sunset

Post by Helen Bywater » Tue Apr 12, 2011 6:46 pm

Suzanne wrote:Sunset

She thinks she'd like
to be trapped in his prism,
in red licked translucence
of a fire storm sky

or drifting, like algae,
float his be-loved river,
occasionally bumping
the edges of life.

Perhaps, there'd be orange-
rind peelings of sunshine,
exposed freckled faces,
beams kissed with a yellow

light filtered through gauze,
shoes tied with white ribbon,
her straw hat between them
swinging, palm and hand.

Long shadows, deep trailing
upon terracotta burnt sand
slowly cooling, would flow
with a padding of feet

to a fire.





.
Hi Suzanne,

I'm very drawn to this. I love the colours and imagery: "red licked translucence", "orange-rind peelings of sunshine" and "occasionally bumping the edges of life". It may want a little fine-tuning, but really the only thing that strikes me at the moment is the last three words. I'm not sure if they work in isolation like that.

All the best,
Helen
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Suzanne
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Re: Sunset

Post by Suzanne » Tue Apr 12, 2011 6:57 pm

Thanks you Helen, and you are so right! It is funny, this writing business, sometimes you can't see what you've written because of what your mind has already wanted to say. I wanted to get to that fire! I struggled with the words and the rhythm I wanted but it never entered my mind to leave the words off... and end walking in the sand.

I'll put the fire in the title! There is an idea.

Thanks Helen.

Warmly,
Suzanne

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Re: Sunset

Post by Mic » Tue Apr 12, 2011 7:00 pm

Hi Suzanne, I like this too. It has much warmth. I'd keep those last three words but just re-attach them to the last stanza - it makes for a rounded rhythm and a nice sequence of sounds.

Michaela
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Suzanne
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Re: Fire at Sunset

Post by Suzanne » Tue Apr 12, 2011 7:09 pm

oooo...
lol

I am so unsure of myself sometimes.

Oh, now what do I think? I don't know! lol.

Thanks, Mic.

warmly,
Suzanne

more...

don't you find that the parts of a poem that give you trouble while writing it, if they are picked up on in the crit, it opens the whole debate in your head all over again? you wrestle then finally decide and post the poem and then.. like a fresh scab.. everything start again.

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Re: Fire at Sunset

Post by Helen Bywater » Tue Apr 12, 2011 9:22 pm

Yes, I agree, Suzanne. There are some things I just can't make my mind up about.
I agree with Michaela about those words. I don't think you need to lose them - I think it's better with them in. They just looked a bit odd on their own. That line didn't seem to carry sufficient weight to stand by itself. But I like fire in the title as well. :)
Last edited by Helen Bywater on Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fire at Sunset

Post by ray miller » Tue Apr 12, 2011 9:52 pm

Excellent poem, really enjoyed it, the 3rd and 4th verses well nigh perfect. Two little bumps for me

or drifting, like algae,
float his be-loved river,

It doesn't sound right to me, a bit cumbersome is "like algae, float" and why be-loved?

But my main beef would be the last verse where I think the 2nd line is crying out to end on terracotta - whichever way you formulate it.

Oh, and I'd lose the last 3 words. Symmetry and all that.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Nash

Re: Fire at Sunset

Post by Nash » Tue Apr 12, 2011 9:58 pm

Hello Suzanne, I hate to say it, but I'm really not keen on this one.

Plus side first! Some of the imagery is quite nice, especially "orange-rind peelings of sunshine".

But, it just doesn't seem to go anywhere. Am I missing something or is it about a couple walking along a beach into the sunset? If it is then the whole central image just seems a bit old hat. The straw hat and shoes tied with white ribbon just make me think of stock photos used for holiday brochures.

I'm really sorry that I can't be more postive but I know (or at least hope!) that you appreciate honesty.

Don't hate me for it,
Nash.

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Re: Sunset- edit

Post by Suzanne » Wed Apr 13, 2011 12:41 pm

I've changed it up...

Helen, thank you very much for returning to tell me. (I love your avatar, btw.) I will keep the words and go back the the simpler title.

Ray, I am very glad to hear you liked it so well. That is fun, of course. I tweaked and may have corrected those points. The algae float line was missing a word, I think. Thanks for your comments. "well nigh perfect" about those stanzas is awfully nice to hear. I wonder if I changed too much for you now.

Nash,
I want honest crits, of course! If I didn't, I would not be here at PG but find a happy happy place to post. I want honest opinions by people who have reasons behind them.

I agree the the message is holiday advert sappy and lacks an edge. I am sorry about that, keep reading and i am sure to improve my themes. Time.

The first two stanzas just rolled on to the page and I like the way they sounded. The rhythm felt good and I liked the idea of color being used strongly.
I tried to focus on what I did have in my hand, and see if I could work something out. I have a summer time straw hat and loved a pair of white sandals I wore the year I got married, so I threw in some nostalgic romance ( so unlike me, lol )

Red, green, orange, yellow, white, terracotta, burnt sand, straw hat, shadows.

I admit that I do not think this is a great poem but when I work on these imagery things, it is always in the back of my mind ( a hope) that I will learn how to manipulate the words better, even if the message is lacking. I like to tell myself it is like like practicing scales on an instrument or improvising with ultra-familiar tunes.

Consistently honest feedback by writers I respect is a highly valuable resource.

One poem is just words in a certain order and can teach very little.
One poem can not measure a poet's skill.
One poem is a piece of thread in the material that can make a good poet.

I aim to be a good poet, not to merely write a good poem.
So, don't be afraid to be tough. I like honest crits. Thank you very much.


Warmly,
Suzanne

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Re: Sunset- edit

Post by Suzanne » Wed Apr 13, 2011 1:06 pm

I'm thinking that orange-rind peelings of sunshine" was inspired by gavin, actually. It sounds like him, doesn't it?
did you say that before, gavin?

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Re: Sunset- edit

Post by Arian » Fri Apr 15, 2011 6:48 pm

Hi Suzanne

My reaction to this is (sorry) rather nashish. Thematically, it seems a bit empty and sentimental to me, and while some of the expression is characteristically colourful and imaginative, I can't help feeling that it's also trying a bit too hard at times. Although many of the lines are individually nce, they seem to become confusing, even meaningless, when strung together, leaving the reader (well, this reader) lost in terms of narrative direction. S1 is a good example of this.

I also think (I've said this before, so apologies for repeating it) that it's a shame when you spell out your metaphors, such as "orange-rind peelings of sunshine". The sunshine weakens it, tells the reader too directly what you mean. "Ornage rind peelings of the evening/morning sky" (or on the western/Eastern horizon, or something, any bloody thing, just not "of sunshine") would be infinitely preferable and more sophisticated. In my view. Just my view.

Anyway, some nice sounds, but - if I were your editor - not one I'd be including in the anthology.

Like nash, sorry.

Cheers
peter
Last edited by Arian on Sat Apr 16, 2011 10:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Sunset- edit

Post by Suzanne » Fri Apr 15, 2011 8:02 pm

Thanks Peter, I hit my palm on my forehead, of course no sunshine.
I have much to learn and can see what you are saying.
Thanks for your time, I smile, and your consistency.

Warmly,
Suzanne, you aren't my editor? Darn..... The idea of an editor is pleasing.

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Re: Sunset- edit

Post by Sharra » Sat Apr 16, 2011 8:20 am

Suzanne I really enjoyed this, there are some gorgeous images in here and the language flows beautifully. I especially loved ‘orange- / rind peelings of sunshine,’ and I think the other concrete detail is working well too.

For me it feels like there is a bit of an interruption before s5, it doesn’t flow as well. I wonder if you need to either not make it a new sentence, or stick an ‘And’ in, to continue the feeling of these flowing images?

And also for me, the ending felt a little anti-climactic, I wonder if you need the repetition of the ‘she thinks’ lines? Maybe make a more definite shift as to where she would actually be?
Nicky
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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Re: Sunset- edit

Post by Suzanne » Sat Apr 16, 2011 6:56 pm

Thank you very much, nicky. I think that the line you mentioned works okay when i read it. I'm thinking I should record this one and figure out how to upload it.

I know this isn't a great poem but it sure feels pleasant reading it aloud.
Those first lines got stick in my head.

And I will think about that idea about the ending... Good idea and it may only need a word added or changed.
Gee, thanks for the feedback.
Suzanne

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Re: Sunset- edit

Post by brianedwards » Sun Apr 17, 2011 2:36 am

Oh, I thought I'd commented on this already. Must have slipped my mind. Anyway, you've had lots of feedback so I won't labour my points.
Arian wrote:
I also think (I've said this before, so apologies for repeating it) that it's a shame when you spell out your metaphors, such as "orange-rind peelings of sunshine". The sunshine weakens it, tells the reader too directly what you mean. "Ornage rind peelings of the evening/morning sky" (or on the western/Eastern horizon, or something, any bloody thing, just not "of sunshine") would be infinitely preferable and more sophisticated. In my view. Just my view.
No, not just your view Peter. In fact, this pretty much sums up what I thought about the poem as a whole, that the metaphor was interesting but overwritten in places. The poem doesn't really go anywhere, as noted by Nash and others, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm more than happy to go nowhere with a poem, providing wherever we are is made interesting enough to stay put!
Not my favourite of your current batch, but further signs that you are stretching yourself, language-wise. I wonder if you'd consider doing the same in terms of theme?

B.

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