Friendship

[Mic]

This morning we worked up a sweat
brushing away two days’ snow
then cracking ice from iron steps –

a spade’s edge and perseverance
our tools – as cold air rushed
about us, unsparing, but not cruel.

Now, from another room, I listen
as you sing in stops and starts
to a Tom Waits track, scour

pots and pans, clean cups,
crack cardamom pods, and chop
parsley, broccoli and shallots

for a winter soup. These things,
oh! these ordinary chores,
workaday wings on which life soars.

[clarabow]

Mic, I found this very enjoyable because its very ordinary language is of everyday, but the richness is in that wonderful last part with minor suggestion =

pots and pans, clean cups,
crack cardamom pods, and chop
parsley, broccoli and shallots

(for a winter soup.) Things, these things,
oh (!) these ordinary chores,
workaday wings on which life soars.

[David]

I agree with Clara. You capture the beauty of the mundane wonderfully, Michaela. And at one point I do believe you're channeling one of my favourite songs. (These Foolish Things)

Cheers

David

[Suzanne]

Mic,

This was a pleasure to read. I loved the last lines. Very nice.
I could almost feel the sting of pink cheeks upon entering the house after brushing the snow.

Your poetry has a gentle warmth about it that sets you apart . I love the personal feel, we can almost smell the vegetables.

Really enjoyed,
Suzanne

[Mic]

Mic, I found this very enjoyable because its very ordinary language is of everyday, but the richness is in that wonderful last part with minor suggestion =

pots and pans, clean cups,
crack cardamom pods, and chop
parsley, broccoli and shallots

(for a winter soup.) Things, these things,
oh (!) these ordinary chores,
workaday wings on which life soars.

Thanks very much clarabow. Are the bits in brackets parts you think I should delete?

[Mic]

I agree with Clara. You capture the beauty of the mundane wonderfully, Michaela. And at one point I do believe you're channeling one of my favourite songs. (These Foolish Things)

Cheers

David

Thanks David. Re these foolish things, yes -- I thought there was something funny going on with that bit!

[Mic]

Your poetry has a gentle warmth about it that sets you apart .

Suzanne - what a lovely thing to say.
I also wanted to mention that I enjoyed reading your critique of David's poem.

Michaela

[Mic]

I must be the only person that thinks "oh!" should take a rest from his incessant "photobombs" in otherwise lovely "pictures:"

These things,
oh! these ordinary chores,
workaday wings on which life soars.

the "oh!" is not even needed as a metrical placeholder:

for a winter soup. These things,
these ordinary chores,
workaday wings on which life soars.

I am not trying to diminish the beauty of this piece, the simplicity and lovely of the quotidian. That's my point. That pompous "oh!" doesn't fit.

I very, VERY much enjoyed this slice of life. Here's to hoping my dislike of "oh!" isn't taken too harshly.

Humbly,

Rob

Thanks Rob. Bullseye! you've hit on an area of the poem that I have been finding problematic. I'd tried it with and without the 'oh!', oh, I don't know HOW many times. Somehow, though, the ending feels a bit 'flat' without it. It is meant as a sort of breathtaking 'gasp', though I can see how it might come across as pompous.

Michaela

[Arian]

I'll add my applause to the general enthusiasm for this, Michaela. I particualrly liked

unsparing, but not cruel.

And, to me, the 'oh!' is indispensable. It brings a sort of breathless, uncontrollable wonder - amost a sense of epiphany - to the N's appreciation of ordinary things.

Very good.
Peter

[clarabow]

Mic, yes (delete) if you feel it would work for you. The thing about deleting (something I am not very good at by the way!) is to delete the words that do not add anything, i.e. and with and then the ones that do too much telling. In this case for a winter soup, by starting the next stanza for me it seemed disjointed from the rest, and we already have winter, so the only word that might work is soup, which is actually a heart-warming homely word which does fit. The minor nit is the order of the words. You have things and then ingredients so I don't know if you might just play with that stanza and have the ingredients first, pots and pans .... next?

pots and pans, clean cups,
crack cardamom pods, and chop
parsley, broccoli and shallots

soup.

[Mic]

I'll add my applause to the general enthusiasm for this, Michaela. I particualrly liked

unsparing, but not cruel.

And, to me, the 'oh!' is indispensable. It brings a sort of breathless, uncontrollable wonder - amost a sense of epiphany - to the N's appreciation of ordinary things.

Very good.
Peter

Thanks Peter. Funnily enough, that line was the most difficult to find. It came only after the rest of the poem had been written. I'm glad you like that bit.
Thanks for your take on the 'oh!' too.

Mic

[Suzanne]

I like the Oh. I agree with Peter. It shows a depth of delight. It was a happy day for the N and the oh was when the wave of happiness washed over her.
Nice. Suzanne

[Nash]

Hello Mic,

I think that the first four stanzas are lovely. They have a warm, homely intimacy to them. I'm not usually a fan of pop culture references, but I even like the Tom Waits bit.

S4 is great, all those hard consonants clatter around the kitchen nicely.

However, I'm another one in the 'against' camp for that 'Oh'. In fact I would go further still and say that I'm not keen on the last two lines at all, I know that it's probably a terrible thing to say but they do sound a little bit greeting cardsy to me. Sorry!

Loved the rest of it though.

[Mic]

Hi Nash,

I'm glad you liked S4, it is my favourite bit. What you got against pop culture references, I wonder?

In fact I would go further still and say that I'm not keen on the last two lines at all, I know that it's probably a terrible thing to say but they do sound a little bit greeting cardsy to me. Sorry!

Thanks very much for you candid thoughts on those last two lines. I did think that they might be too sweet for some tastes. They are almost too sweet for my tastes, but overall I'm hoping I get away with it - just.

Michaela

[ray miller]

I like the poem, the day in a life feel that it has.Except for "unsparing, but not cruel." It reminds me of the carol "though the frost was cruel" -it seems both an unnatural thing to say and an unnatural way to say it.

[Mic]

Hi Ray,

I like the poem, the day in a life feel that it has.Except for "unsparing, but not cruel." It reminds me of the carol "though the frost was cruel" -it seems both an unnatural thing to say and an unnatural way to say it.

Thanks and oh dear! I think those words found their way into the poem as a result of the earlier sounds in 'air' and 'tools' which they echo. This might perhaps be another weak spot. I seem to be chanelling Christmas carols and old love songs.

It's beginning to spring a few leaks, this one, innit? All good though, having a poem prodded and poked reveals where the weak spots are and where the mending is needed.

Mic

[Nash]

Hello again Mic,

Thanks very much for you candid thoughts on those last two lines. I did think that they might be too sweet for some tastes. They are almost too sweet for my tastes, but overall I'm hoping I get away with it - just.

Well, I think that most people seem to like it, just a matter of personal taste. I'm very happy to be wrong, in this case.

What you got against pop culture references, I wonder?

Again, just personal taste I suppose. If not handled well, then it can just seem like the author forcing their personal musical tastes onto the reader, a literary version of someone blasting their music from a car window (...I think I'm in danger of sounding like miserable old sod here!!). There's also a risk of alienating readers that do not know or like the particular reference, which may jar them out of your carefully constructed world.

[Mic]

Hi Nash,

I quite like the specificity of these kinds of references and don't really mind if I don't know - or 'like' - the reference. As long as the poem's success doesn't hinge on understanding obscure allusions or liking a particular type of fruit over another, then pop culture references, classical allusions, foreign words etc can all help give a piece a distinct flavour. Of course, it has to be done well. I suppose it all has to be done well to work. I don't know if I do it well or not in this poem, but it is also worth mentioning perhaps that this just happened to be the track playing on the radio at the time!

Michaela

[Arian]

it can just seem like the author forcing their personal musical tastes onto the reader, a literary version of someone blasting their music from a car window

Hmmmm. A well-phrased point, Nash. And I'd agree, sort of, if it weren't for a nagging feeling...isn't that what, if poetry does anything at all, poetry does? Its raison d'etre? Don't want to spout claptrap, but isn't that very close to home, when it comes to answering the perennial debate "what's it, poetry, bloody well FOR?"? That's what poets do, or try to do: force the reader into a new perspective - educate, enlighten, enthuse others about a particular point of view? If that's even part of your understanding of the Why? of poetry, then Michaela's biased viewpoint is, surely, more than acceptable - it's mandatory.

But perhaps it's a discussion for another time. Or, at least, another thread in another forum.

Cheers
peter

[Nash]

Hello Michaela and Peter,

Well it looks like you've both well and truly blown my argument out of the water!

It's funny how we can get stuck in ruts of our own making, thinking that we like or dislike certain things for certain reasons without seeing the bigger picture. You've both made me rethink a few opinions that I've held onto for a while.

Thanks,
Nash.