through through and through

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Mic
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through through and through

Post by Mic » Tue Jun 02, 2009 3:15 pm

through through and through

through slap, through slew
through slam, through slight

through floe, through flux
through flinch, through flight

through dimming days
through gleaming nights
through untold tales
through complex heights

through bone, through pain
through ache, through vein

-- love travels with you

through vim, through verve
through fret, through fear

through iron, through blood
through sweat, through tear

through sinewed word
through salty cheer
through wordless thought
through thin veneer

through grief, through sleep
through push, through pull

-- love travels with you

through tender touch
through steepled brow
through steady song
through birth canal

through ending times
through journeys new
through stinging hearts
through through and through
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

ray miller
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Re: through through and through

Post by ray miller » Tue Jun 02, 2009 6:23 pm

It's a bit repetitive for my liking and I'm still looking for the swear words!I thought it was a shame that through push, through pull couldn't be preceding through birth canal.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Sharra
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Re: through through and through

Post by Sharra » Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:08 pm

Hi Mic, welcome to PG :)
I think this might work better performed than on a page as, at the risk of being too harsh on your first posting, I'm afraid this didn't really do much for me.
I didn't really get the repetition and I'm not a huge fan of full rhymes, I thought the language sounded rather contrived. I also found some bits of it quite cliched - for example, the blood, sweat and tears, tender touch.
Sorry.
Sharra
xx
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

Ros
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Re: through through and through

Post by Ros » Tue Jun 02, 2009 8:39 pm

Welcome, hope you enjoy it here! You've posted in exp so I'm afraid we tell it how it is :)

You have a good rhythm here, but I think your format is driving the choice of words rather than the words leading - eg. through floe - ice floe? who goes through an ice floe? complex heights - how is a height complex? through thin veneer - what does this mean? I'm afraid many of the other images are rather cliched - tender touch, untold tales (think Tolkien did that one!). Poems about love are so common that you really need something original to make it stand out from the crowd, preferably with some concrete personal images that shed some light on the universal experience. Your images here are mostly abstract with little real meaning. I think you could keep the relentlessness, which is good, if you could combine it with something more solid.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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brianedwards
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Re: through through and through

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 02, 2009 11:19 pm

Hi Mic

I enjoyed the first four lines, but with all respect, I don't think this belongs on the Experienced board. Repetition is a powerful poetic technique if handled well --- I don't think you have pulled it off here.

But what bothers me more than the repetition is the number of modifiers and abstracts that really weigh the lines down.

I agree with the poem's central conceit and wonder if you might mine that thought for something richer than the current verse.

I look forward to reading more.

B.

Mic
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Re: through through and through

Post by Mic » Wed Jun 03, 2009 7:44 am

Ray, Sharra, Ros and Brian - sincere thanks for your candid feedback. This is the point, no? So no apologies needed, no offense taken. It's scary - but exciting - up here. I look forward to the spectacle of one or two more of my babies being lobbed off the cliff alive and screaming.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

ray miller
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Re: through through and through

Post by ray miller » Wed Jun 03, 2009 8:07 am

Mic you've probably wondered what the swear words reference was all about. Sorry, I got you mixed up with another newcomer. Who promised swear words.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Suzanne
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Re: through through and through

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jun 03, 2009 11:52 am

Mic,
I admit to liking a bit of repetition and thought that the rhymn was nice. the only thing I didn't like so well was the
"-- love travels with you" line.

The idea is there but the phrasing could be more, hmmm... well, something. Longer maybe? Tied into the pace of the beat beneath the words.
Just my opinion, welcome,
Suzanne
Last edited by Suzanne on Wed Jun 03, 2009 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nar
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Re: through through and through

Post by nar » Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:08 pm

Hi, Mic.

This was all going pretty well for me until the last...
through ending times
through journeys new
through stinging hearts
through through and through
Sorry, but the inversion of noun/adj in L2 is just horrid for me. It's the only time you do it in the entire piece, and it feels like it's only done to make the final rhyme work.

Other than that, I can live with the repetition, which I think does add something to your message.

Thanks,

- Neil.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)

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Re: through through and through

Post by Ros » Wed Jun 03, 2009 2:25 pm

Mic, glad you're taking it so well! We may throw your babies off the cliff but our intention is to teach them to fly first.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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brianedwards
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Re: through through and through

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jun 03, 2009 2:55 pm

Ros wrote: We may throw your babies off the cliff but our intention is to teach them to fly first.

Nicely put Ros!

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Re: through through and through

Post by David » Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:42 pm

I quite liked the throughness of it. It seems rather Anglo Saxon to me. Lots of riff raff rum (or whatever it was he said. Something like that, anyway.)

Cheers

David

oranggunung
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Re: through through and through

Post by oranggunung » Thu Jun 04, 2009 6:33 am

Mic

this strikes me as a lyric for a song. Not sure exactly how it would be sung, but the performance aspect of the piece is striking.

I wonder how it would be received if posted as a lyric, rather than a poem?


og

Mic
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Re: through through and through

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:03 pm

Og, David, Suzanne - thanks for your comments. I might try it as a performance piece at Hammer & Tongue tonight. But other than that, I'm through with this one!

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: through through and through

Post by BenJohnson » Thu Jun 04, 2009 3:36 pm

Mic wrote:But other than that, I'm through with this one!

Mic
:lol:

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