cherries

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oranggunung
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cherries

Post by oranggunung » Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:55 pm

Succulent
as summer dew,
blooming
like a morning mist, I
gently crushed those darkened globes
with teeth
and tongue
and lips.

Acidic sweetness
filled my mouth. Juices ran –
within, without. The flesh,
the skin, removed, devoured;
the gravel pits ejected,
scoured.


edit - with teeth and tongue changed from 1 line to 2 lines
Last edited by oranggunung on Thu Jun 11, 2009 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ray miller
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Re: cherries

Post by ray miller » Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:33 pm

I loved the sensuousness and the discreet rhymes. The way I read it there should be a two syllable word before lips. But I guess it depends on your rhythm!
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Mic
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Re: cherries

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:24 pm

This one tasted good. Enjoyed the economy of language, nothing there that didn't need to be. For some reason it brought to mind this line by Sir John Suckling: "No grape that's kindly ripe could be/ So round, so plump, so soft, as she, / nor half so full of juice!"
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Suzanne
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Re: cherries

Post by Suzanne » Thu Jun 04, 2009 6:26 pm

Very enjoyable. I love cherries and anticipate them being imported from Italy and sold at the outdoor market. This was tasty. I didn't like 'gravel pit' and would replace it something smoother. but, i enjoyed this very much.
Suzanne

oranggunung
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Re: cherries

Post by oranggunung » Fri Jun 05, 2009 6:42 am

Thanks for the kind words.

Ray - I had this formatted in a regular way and the rhythm seemed to work. Now I´ve reformatted it, I read it in the same way. The intention I had for the "teeth and tongue and lips" section was a sort of rallentando. Perhaps I automatically put in the small pauses that make it work, while others follow a different time signature.

Mic - Is Sir John Suckling a real person? The name sounds incredible. His sentiment is perhaps a little saucier than I had intended.

Suzanne - gravel. I thought the size and texture worked for comparison, but I can understand the misgiving. It was a playful inclusion; I´ll ponder a replacement.


og

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Re: cherries

Post by John G » Fri Jun 05, 2009 5:31 pm

made me want to go eat a cherry and do that thing when they tie a knot in the stalk with their tongues - but I hate cherries and I have no tongue - but the fact that this wrtie made me want to DO it can only confirm that this was a good write
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

brianedwards
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Re: cherries

Post by brianedwards » Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:30 am

Very sumptuous read. I agree that the meter seems to require a couple of extra syllables at end of S1, but that wasn't a massive problem for me. I have more trouble with the end of S2. Gravel seems the wrong word, in terms of image, sound and sense. I also get a little bump on scoured, not sure what meaning is intended and I wonder if it isn't there primarily to sustain the rhyme.

But overall, a very pleasant read at the start of summer.

B.

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Re: cherries

Post by peterkiggin » Sat Jun 06, 2009 7:51 am

I enjoyed your enjoyment of what was a moment of bliss for you and feel also your wording is impeccable but the poem has not been finished to my way of thinking unless you feel the ending will never come.

oranggunung
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Re: cherries

Post by oranggunung » Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:24 pm

John/Brian/Peter

Thank you for more kind words.

Brian - gravel appears to be causing a few niggles here, so it must go, I suppose. My word association got the better of me.
scoured - the idea was simply to show that the were thoroughly cleaned, admittedly there is a rhyme too.

I need a hard adjective, but I am keen to allow it some ambiguity by way of being a noun. How about marble? Wooden fits the scheme, but doesn't seem to give a stark enough contrast. More musing required.


og

Mic
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Re: cherries

Post by Mic » Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:32 pm

'granite' ?

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Lovely
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Re: cherries

Post by Lovely » Thu Jun 11, 2009 5:48 pm

This is a very beautiful write, sir.


Loved you when you played "Clapton" please......

"gently crushed those darkened globes" loved it.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

Best,

Lx

oranggunung
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Re: cherries

Post by oranggunung » Thu Jun 11, 2009 9:35 pm

Thanks Lx

glad you enjoyed the read.


Mic

that adjective is a tricky one. Granite? Marble? They both seem to work, but then, why does "gravel" not?

Vexatious.

og

gpierre
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Re: cherries

Post by gpierre » Thu Jun 11, 2009 10:34 pm

Hi,

I really enjoyed the rhythm of this, I'm salivating!

I read the end of S1 as I think you intended, what about putting 'and tongue' on a new line to force the slow down?

Thanks,

Gaz

oranggunung
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Re: cherries

Post by oranggunung » Thu Jun 11, 2009 10:38 pm

Thanks Gaz

that sounds like an excellent idea. It should, as you say, force people to slow down.


og

gpierre
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Re: cherries

Post by gpierre » Thu Jun 11, 2009 11:06 pm

Wow!

That's the first time in my life any one's ever paid me any mind!

For my further 2 penn'orth i think that the troublesome adjective could be toothy, enamely, or bony in its form; or maybe not: Just an idea.

Thanks,

G

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Re: cherries

Post by PhilipCFJohnson » Thu Jun 11, 2009 11:46 pm

A tasty verse! Loved the rhymes, which worked just perfectly for the tone of this poem!

The only thing that made me wonder was "acidic" it's a bit of a harsh word, amidst your other soft and succulent imagery.

But I still loved it.

Brill stuff
Phil :)
Specto Nusquam

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