I concede

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Danté
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I concede

Post by Danté » Sun May 17, 2009 10:00 am

I concede

Cuckoopint scrolls, the viridian
gloss breaking over a sphagnum sponge.
I’m not lowering the tone today
to be slapped about, disregarded out of hand.
Sharpness of the wraps of wire on wire,
horse hair trapped could suggest more rain
if harnessed like the shires and utilised.
I’ve advised her to maintain some decorum
but she’s everything she is in fact
and I’m no hypocrite, so suggested it
while she soaked her feet in another quote.
She wants to gesticulate, make it known
after school on Friday afternoon.
She blows a blade of grass held between
her hands, it squeals like a cut sow.
She says they can all piss off.

.
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

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Re: I concede

Post by Suzanne » Sun May 17, 2009 6:32 pm

Dante!

What? Hmmmmm.
This is very interesting. More damp greenery, how very odd.
And a bloody horse reference. I am not sure what to think about that ....
I don't know what your poem is all about, it is has certainly interesting visuals.

"She blows a blade of grass held between
her hands, it squeals like a cut sow.
She says they can all piss off."

I have read it many times and keep wanting to read it again. Your writing is very interesting, and somehow unsettling.

Suzanne

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Re: I concede

Post by Lovely » Tue May 19, 2009 9:29 pm

Dear Dante, it bent before me.

Jesus I can feel it, it spun out before me. Fuck.

Love you. I don't belong here. To greater minds-- forgive me please.

I am only a very simple poet as it were. Sorry.

L x

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Re: I concede

Post by Jasper » Wed May 20, 2009 12:35 am

I wondered when this would get comments, D.

gloss breaks across sphagnum moss.

I'd space this btw.

She wants to gesticulate, make it
known after school on Friday afternoon. So
then blows a blade of grass between
her hands squealing
They can all piss off'




J
Last edited by Jasper on Wed May 20, 2009 11:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

David
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Re: I concede

Post by David » Wed May 20, 2009 5:57 pm

I dunno. Is it a childhood sweetheart thing? Some beautiful phrases connected by some strange transitions that I don't quite follow, but I enjoyed getting lost in this.

"while she soaked her feet in another quote" - huh?

Broody and moody, but I like it.

Cheers

David

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Re: I concede

Post by Jasper » Wed May 20, 2009 11:38 pm

Broody and moody, but I like it.

Tis what it's all about, David... Dante's an alien in human form, and he knows it!

Your mastery of syntax amazes me, D.
A very rare mind wrote this!

J

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Re: I concede

Post by ray miller » Thu May 21, 2009 11:18 am

Well, I finally convinced myself I knew what this was all about though I don't understand all the references, particularly the horse hair and rain stuff.I thought the lines from "I've advised...Friday afternoon"" were very good. Last line reminded me of beautifulloser, whatever happened to him?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: I concede

Post by Jasper » Thu May 21, 2009 12:48 pm

He's off learning to play/ride the violin with a broken beau too maybe? *snicker*

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Re: I concede

Post by David » Thu May 21, 2009 6:49 pm

I too have noted the lewd history of the cuckoopint.

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Re: I concede

Post by Ros » Thu May 21, 2009 8:59 pm

Yeah, it's good - I'd like to be able to get just a bit more meaning from it. It's the decorum, I think, that's the real puzzle. Excellent last half, as others have indicated.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Re: I concede

Post by Suzanne » Wed May 27, 2009 10:59 am

Decorum, eh?
I am not sure either.
lol
Suzanne

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Danté
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Re: I concede

Post by Danté » Wed May 27, 2009 3:52 pm

Thanks for all the input from those who have commented.

I've been pondering them.

"Decorum" good manners. Some decorum because the character in my mind is not likely to be totally polite
hence my having advised the "she" in the context of the poem to maintain some. Asking for decorum
would have been like asking someone with crabs to sit prefectly still for an hour.
I am of course open to any suggestion that could deliver the identical, using another noun or different phrasing.

I am still pondering other ideas that have been offered here. It was a totally off the cuff piece
and I don't want to lose the aspects of the poem that have that freshness about them.

I am more than happy to consider any idea in respect of any piece and have/will continue to
edit on the strength of advice offered by people in any part of this forum.

Many thanks

Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

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Re: I concede

Post by Mic » Tue Jun 02, 2009 3:09 pm

I like 'decorum'. I like how it collides with "They can all piss off" later. I like the way its pomposity can do nothing but concede ground to her straight-forward, no messing, tell it how it is, own-minded 'They can all piss-off'. He's a bit stuck-up (but nice enough). She's ace (in my opinion). Has he got her pregnant? Does she not want to skulk about and conceal the fact? A good read.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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