The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)

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NotQuiteSure
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The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Oct 22, 2020 1:13 pm

.
v6
The Giant of Crabber Nase*


It was done in one night
when the moon was bright enough
to see, but not to be seen.

On the hillside a figure
cut into the chalk-white limestone
a glyph in the green.

With the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed by the sun
set the whole town ablaze.

"Who dare put that there!"
The mayoress despaired
"it's not art, it's simply depraved."

A layman claimed "aliens
done it with ray guns, how else
could they be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
clutching her baby, wheezed
"I've had the fright of my life."

"His eyes keep following"
a florist was hollering "me
wherever I go."

"Those aren't its eyes"
the old butcher smiled "and
petal, trust me, I'd know."

"Is that a koteka?"
Pondered the scholar
"I wonder, it looks like it a gourd."

Her thoughts were upset
by a grocer projecting
"good gracious me! Oh my word!

It's so wibbly-wobbly!
crinkly and knobbly! in places,
in others so straight!"

"And appears surprised
as am I, by its size"
the publican puffed, running late.

"He's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
one critic decried to the Mail.

"I don't understand
what is that in his hand?"
A muezzin was heard to wail.

"Consider the children"
appealed a beautician
"the young have susceptible minds."

"And worse" swore a nurse
"bright sunlight's a curse," reflecting
"some mite may go blind."

The local MP hissed
"no-one must see this, think
what they'd say of our town!"

"Hear, hear," boomed the vicar
"how quickly folk's knickers get twisted.
We need this pulled down."

As morning progressed
so grew the distress
yet townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
innocent children
were washing their hands clean of chalk.


+++++++++++++++++


And throughout the day
despite the outrage
no-one killed anyone
over a graven cartoon.




*Any resemblance to places, real or imagined, is entirely anagrammatical ... (mostly).




_______________________



v5
The Giant of Crabber Nase*


It was done in one night
when the moon was just bright enough
to see, but not to be seen.

A figure on the hillside
cut into the chalk-white limestone
as all lay asleep.

In the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed by the sun
set the whole town ablaze.

"Who dare put that there!"
The mayoress despaired
"it's not art, it's simply depraved."

A 'shaman' said "aliens done it
with ray guns, how else
could they be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
with an ugly baby, wheezed
"I've had the fright of my life."

"Those eyes" said the florist
"I've noticed that they seem to follow
you, when you go."

"Those ain't its eyes"
the old butcher sighed, "and
in my line of work I should know."

"Is that a koteka"
pondered the scholar
"a horim or some kind of gourd?"

Her thoughts were upset
by a grocer projecting
"good gracious me! Oh my word!

It's so wibbly-wobbly!
crinkly and knobbly! in places,
in others so straight."

"And looks quite surprised
as am I, by its size"
said the publican, scratching his pate.

"He's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
one critic decried to the Mail.

"I don't understand
what is that in his hand?"
A muezzin was heard to wail.

"Do consider the children"
shrilled the new schoolmarm
"they have such impressionable minds."

"And worse," said a nurse
"this sunlight's a curse," reflecting
"some mite could go blind."

The local MP hissed
"no-one must see this. Just think
what they'd say of our town."

"Hear, hear," boomed the vicar
"how quickly folk's knickers get twisted.
We need this pulled down."

As the morning progressed
so grew the distress
and the townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
innocent children
were washing their hands clean of chalk.



_______________________



v4
The Giant of Crabber Nase*


It was done in one night
when the moon was just bright enough
to see, but not to be seen.

A figure on the hillside
cut into the chalk-white limestone
as all lay asleep.

In the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed by the sun
set the whole town ablaze.

"Who dare put that there!"
The mayoress despaired
"it's not art, it's merely depraved!"

The cadet swore "aliens done it
with ray guns, how else
could they be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
clutching her baby, wheezed
"I've had the fright of my life.

Its eyes seem to follow you
ghoulishly horrible, watching
wherever you go."

"Luv, they're not his eyes"
the old butcher sighed, "and
in my line of work I should know."

"Is that a koteka"
pondered the scholar
"a horim or some kind of gourd?"

Her thoughts were derailed
by a greengrocer wailing
"good gracious me! Oh my word!

It's so wibbly-wobbly!
crinkly and knobbly! in places,
in others so straight."

"And looks quite surprised
as am I, by the size"
said the publican, scratching his pate.

"He's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
one critic decried to the Mail.

"I don't understand
what is that in his hand?"
Exclaimed a doyen of retail.

"Consider the children"
shrilled the new schoolmarm
"they have such impressionable minds."

"There's worse," said a nurse,
"for the sunlight's a curse," reflecting
"some mite could go blind."

The local MP hissed
"no-one must see this. Just think
what they'd say of our town?"

"Hear, hear," boomed the vicar
"how quickly folk's knickers get twisted.
We need this pulled down."

As the morning progressed
so grew the distress
yet the townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
'innocent' children
were washing their hands clean of chalk.


_______________________



v3
The Crabber Nase Giant*


It was done in one night
when the moon was just bright enough
to see, but not to be seen.

A figure on the hillside
cut into the chalk-white limestone
as all lay asleep.

In the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed by the sun
set the whole town aflutter.

"Who dare put that there?"
The locum despaired
"it's clearly the work of some nutter."

A cadet claimed "aliens done it
with ray guns, how else
could they be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
with the ugliest baby, wheezed
"I've had the fright of my life.

Its eyes seem to follow you
leery and hollow, they track
you wherever you go."

"Petal, those aren't his eyes"
the butcher replied, "and
in my line of work I should know."

"Is that a koteka"
pondered the scholar
"a horim or some kind of gourd?"

Her thoughts were upset
by a parson projecting
"good gracious me! Oh my word!

He's so wibbly-wobbly!
crinkly and knobbly! in places,
in others so straight."

"And looks most surprised
as am I, by the size"
said the publican, scratching his pate.

"It's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
a critic decried in the Mail.

"I don't understand
what is that in his hand?"
Complained a doyen of retail.

"Consider the children"
shrilled the new schoolmarm
"they have such impressionable minds."

"There's worse," said a nurse,
"for the sunlight's a curse," reflecting
"some mite could go blind."

The local MP hissed
"no-one must see this. Just think
what they'd say of our town?"

"Hear, hear," boomed a brickie
"how quick some folk's knickers get twisted.
We need this pulled down."

As the morning progressed
so grew the distress
yet the townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
"innocent" children
were washing their hands clean of chalk.



_______________________



v2b
The Giant of Crabber Nase*


It was done in one night
when the moon was just bright enough
to see, but not to be seen.

A figure on the hillside
cut into the chalk-white limestone
as all lay asleep.

In the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed by the sun
saw the whole town aflutter

"Who dare put that there?"
The colonel despaired
"it's clearly the work of some nutter."

A cadet claimed "aliens done it
with ray guns, how else
could they be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
clutching her baby, wheezed
"I've had the fright of my life."

"My, my" chirped the florist
"you'll notice its eyes
seem to follow wherever you go?"

"Petal, those aren't his eyes"
the butcher replied, "and
in this line of work I should know."

"Is that a koteka"
pondered the scholar
"a horim or some kind of gourd?"

Her thoughts were upset
by a matron projecting
"gracious me! Oh my word!

He's so wibbly-wobbly!
crinkly and knobbly! in places,
in others he's straight."

"And looks most surprised
as am I, by the size"
said the publican, scratching his pate.

"It's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
a critic opined to the paper.

"I don't understand
what is that in his hand?"
Was the cry from the undertaker.

The local MP hissed
"no-one must see this. Just think
what they'd say of our town?"

"Quite right," drawled the vicar
"how quickly folk's knickers get twisted.
We need this pulled down."

"Consider the children"
shrilled the new schoolmarm
"they have such impressionable minds."

"There's worse," said a nurse,
"for the sunlight's a curse," reflecting
"some mite could go blind."

As the morning progressed
so grew the distress
yet the townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
"innocent" children
were washing their hands clean of chalk.



_______________________



v2
The Giant of Crabber Nas*


It was done in one night
when the moon was just bright enough
to see, but not to be seen.

A figure on the hillside
cut into the chalk-white limestone
as all lay asleep.

In the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed by the sun
left the whole town aflutter

"Who dare put that there?"
The colonel despaired
"it's clearly the work of some nutter."

A cadet claimed "aliens done it
with ray guns, how else
could it be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
clutching her baby, wheezed
"I've had the fright of my life."

"My, my" chirped the florist
"you'll notice its eyes
seem to follow wherever you go?"

"Petal, those aren't his eyes"
the butcher replied, "and
in this line of work I should know."

"Is that a koteka"
pondered the scholar
"a horim or some kind of gourd?"

Her thoughts were upset
by the milliner projecting
"gracious me. Oh my word!

He's so wibbly-wobbly,
crinkly and knobbly in places,
in others he's straight."

"And looks most surprised
as am I, by its size"
said the publican, scratching his pate.

"It's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
a critic opined to the paper.

"I don't understand
what is that in his hand?"
Was the cry from the undertaker.

The local MP hissed
"no-one must see this. Just think
what they'd say of our town?"

"Quite right," drawled the vicar
"how quickly folk's knickers get twisted.
We need this pulled down."

"Consider the children"
shrilled the new schoolmarm
"they have such impressionable minds."

"There's worse," said a nurse,
"for the sunlight's a curse," reflecting
"some mite could go blind."

As the morning progressed
so grew the distress
yet the townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
"innocent" children
were washing their hands clean of chalk.



_______________________



The Giant of Crabber Nas*


It was done in one night
when the moon was just bright
enough to see, but not to be seen.

A figure on the hillside
cut into the chalk-white
limestone, when all were asleep.

In the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed
by the sun, left townsfolk aflutter

"No idea how it got there"
the baker declared
"but it's clearly the work of a nutter!"

A cadet claimed "aliens
done it with ray guns
how else could it be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
with the ugliest baby,
said, "I've not been so shocked in my life."

"My, my" said the florist
"you notice its eyes
seem to follow wherever you go?"

"Those aren't his eyes"
the butcher replied,
"and in my line of work I should know."

"He's so wibbly-wobbly,
kinkly and knobbly
in places, in others so straight.

I can't make up my mind
about the design"
said the architect, scratching his pate.

"It's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
one critic opined to the paper.

"But what's in his hand?
I don't understand"
complained a poor benumbed plumber.

"Is that a koteka"
wondered the scholar
"a horim or some kind of gourd?"

Her thoughts interrupted
when the milliner muttered
"good gracious me. Oh my word."

The local MP
boomed "no-one should see
this. What does it say of our town?"

"Quite right," said the vicar
"how quickly folk's knickers
get twisted. We need this pulled down."

"Just think of the children"
wailed the new school marm
"and all their impressionable minds."

"Much worse," said a nurse,
"the bright sun's a curse
that could cause some poor kid to go blind."

As the morning progressed
so grew the distress
and the townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
their "innocent" children
were washing their hands clean of chalk.





*Any resemblance to places, real or imagined, is entirely anagrammatical ... (mostly).


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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sun Nov 22, 2020 12:42 pm, edited 39 times in total.

Macavity
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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nas

Post by Macavity » Fri Oct 23, 2020 1:32 am

My immediate response: I thought it was fun and muchly enjoyed.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nas (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Oct 23, 2020 12:26 pm

.
Hi mac,
thanks for the read.
Glad you enjoyed it.

Regards, Not

.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v2)

Post by Macavity » Sat Oct 24, 2020 5:16 am

You've made quite a few tweaks there Not! I miss the 'boom' of the MP (I had in mind some Tory shire squire outraged, perhaps the colonel could boom?) and I liked the Giles cartoon detail of the 'ugliest' baby. Could you stretch to Observer/embalmer rather than paper/undertaker?

will revisit

mac

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v2b)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Oct 24, 2020 12:59 pm

.
Hi mac,
thanks for returning.
Got your 'boom' back, given it to a brickie :)
and the 'ugliest baby' is restored.

Thanks for returning.

Regards, Not.

____



All tweaks:

colonel → locum

clutching her → with the ugliest

"My, my" chirped the florist
"you'll notice its eyes
seem to follow wherever you go?"

Its eyes seem to follow you
leery and hollow, they track
you wherever you go."

butcher replied → the old butcher sighed

matron → parson

opined → decried (wondered whether 'spleened' could be stretched to fit here)

paper → Mail

Was the cry from the undertaker → complained a doyen of retail

"Quite right" drawled the vicar → "Hear, hear" boomed a brickie

S15,16 switched with S17,18.




.

Macavity
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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v2b)

Post by Macavity » Sat Oct 24, 2020 7:05 pm

Not keen on most of those tweaks Not. Especially miss the vicar/knickers coupling. A right Carry-on that one :D

clutching the ugliest for assonance.

Why locum? Where's petal gone, in fact where's the original revision gone? leery and hollow is a style that reduces the fun/humour...postcard obviousness works better for this

best

mac

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Oct 25, 2020 2:40 pm

.
Just for you mac, the unholy coupling of vicar/knickers is restored. Do I hear a hallelujah?

It's either 'clutching' or 'ugliest', can't have both (as far as I can tell), you'll have to settle for clutching. :)

Why locum? Why not? But changed anyway. Petal got deadheaded when I had to sacrifice the florist. I thought 'leery and hollow' were fun, but OK, how about now? Or am I asking too much that ghoulishly might stretch to goolies?

Thanks for sticking with this one, mac.

Regards, Not


.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v4)

Post by Macavity » Mon Oct 26, 2020 5:02 am

Why locum? Why not? But changed anyway
because...colonel/mayoress/MP/butcher/baker/undertaker/vicar/nurse/matron/new school marm//plumber/florist...have identities, stereotypes, in readers' minds that the comedy genre can play with.
"My, my" said the florist
"you notice its eyes
seem to follow wherever you go?"
The original allows the reader to imagine, a stalker/sexual implication perhaps, and the comic misinterpretation; ghoulishly horrible and leery and hollow details are telling the reader; ghoulishly horrible this detracts from the original comic, the immodest offensives...goolies did not come to mind:)

saying all that Not., if you want to work the poem in another direction, more embellished with epithets like doyen of retail , that's your writer prerogative.

I think you were right to drop the non-pc 'nutter', though it reflected a Daily Mail/Express reader type and the thrust of the piece, for me, are blinkered minds.

cheers

mac

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v4)

Post by ray miller » Mon Oct 26, 2020 10:21 am

Very entertaining. I had slight problems with the rhythm in a few places, the 2nd stanza in particular. Maybe

A figure on the hillside
cut into white limestone
as everyone lay asleep.

The cadet swore that aliens
did it with ray guns, how else
could they be so precise?"

while in many a privy
'innocent' kiddies
were washing their hands clean of chalk.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v5)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Oct 26, 2020 12:17 pm

.
Hi mac,
such forbearance!

identities, stereotypes - good point(s), well made. :) Have reworked the florist
and the ugly baby. Hadn't seen 'doyen' as an epithet (more an indicator of that
ones sense of self-importance) but changed. 'Timorous lady' is looking like the
odd one out now! But I'll leave her be. Added a new 'stereotype', worth the risk?


Hi ray,
glad you were entertained.
Still wrestling with S2. I think I need 'chalk' (I thought you were stumbling over 'figure')

S5, the 'cadet' was just there for a 'space cadet' joke, how about now?

I think your ending's a lot 'smuttier' than mine! :)


Thanks both,
regards,
Not.


.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v5)

Post by TrevorConway » Mon Oct 26, 2020 8:40 pm

Hey Not,

This was great. The rhythm and rhyme worked very well throughout. It felt very complete, so I haven't really got many specific word-related suggestions. Just a few verses felt weaker than the rest, and could be ditched to strengthen the poem overall, I thought. In bold below, anyway. See what you think with and without.

Really enjoyed this.

T

It was done in one night
when the moon was just bright enough
to see, but not to be seen.

A figure on the hillside
cut into the chalk-white limestone
as all lay asleep. [Rhyme could be better here. Would "dream" offer something better?]

In the dawning of morning
that carving, unwarmed by the sun
set the whole town ablaze.

"Who dare put that there!"
The mayoress despaired
"it's not art, it's simply depraved."

A 'shaman' said "aliens done it
with ray guns, how else
could they be so precise?"

While a timorous lady
with an ugly baby, wheezed
"I've had the fright of my life."

"Those eyes" said the florist
"I've noticed that they seem to follow
you, when you go."

"Those ain't its eyes"
the old butcher sighed, "and
in my line of work I should know."

"Is that a koteka"
pondered the scholar
"a horim or some kind of gourd?"

Her thoughts were upset
by a grocer projecting
"good gracious me! Oh my word!

It's so wibbly-wobbly!
crinkly and knobbly! in places,
in others so straight."

"And looks quite surprised
as am I, by its size"
said the publican, scratching his pate.


"He's primitive, crude
and most certainly nude"
one critic decried to the Mail.

"I don't understand
what is that in his hand?"
A muezzin was heard to wail.

"Do consider the children"
shrilled the new schoolmarm [Pick someone else to say this; just feels too much of a cliche if a schoolmarm says it, even if you were going for the cliche effect]
"they have such impressionable minds."

"And worse," said a nurse
"this sunlight's a curse," reflecting
"some mite could go blind."

The local MP hissed
"no-one must see this. Just think
what they'd say of our town."

"Hear, hear," boomed the vicar
"how quickly folk's knickers get twisted.
We need this pulled down."

As the morning progressed
so grew the distress
and the townsfolk continued to talk

while in many a bathroom
innocent children
were washing their hands clean of chalk. [I feel the payoff should be drawn out longer. Too sudden. 2 more verses still to be written?]

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v5)

Post by Macavity » Tue Oct 27, 2020 7:20 am

Thumbs-up on V5, though no doubt you will tweak :D (like the multicultural addition!) The florist is back,...petal?

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v5)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Nov 01, 2020 11:52 am

.
Hi Trev,
glad you enjoyed it.
Not too fussed by those verses being apparently 'weaker'.
And, not sure what you mean by 'drawing the payoff out'?
Two more verses of reactions, or something else?
(Doesn't a drawn out punchline lose its punch?)

Hi mac,
soliciting a tweak, eh? OK.

Right, well taking advantage of the 509, here's version 6.
(started to think that 'ugly' was similar to 'nutter', reverted to 'clutching')


Regards, Not


.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)

Post by Macavity » Mon Nov 02, 2020 2:35 am

glyph is an interesting word Not., but is it an oddity in this poem's lexis? Could be a title?

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Nov 02, 2020 5:13 pm

.
Hi mac.

I thought it added to the general sense of mystery in that verse (and any 'oddity' might be ameliorated by the alliteration),
that said, any alternatives (for the word or the line)? :)

Regards, Not


.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)

Post by Macavity » Mon Nov 02, 2020 7:31 pm

Perhaps you're right Not., and it is an interesting word.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)

Post by Amadis » Sun Nov 22, 2020 12:25 pm

I really like this piece, I had to google a few words, but it all comes together and works well.
The theme comes through, and is important.

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Re: The Giant of Crabber Nase (v6)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Nov 22, 2020 12:40 pm

.
Hi Amadis,
thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

Regards, Not

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