Too Soon? (v2b)

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NotQuiteSure
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Too Soon? (v2b)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Sep 15, 2020 2:10 pm

.
v2b


The beastly Christmas Biscuit Thief
has struck again. That muffled squeak
is Santa chimneying to find
all that has been left behind –
an empty glass, the dust of sugar
hanging in the air. Some bugger's
pinched his pie, swigged his sherry,

it's a festive mystery –


The Unlocked Room & Purloined Pastry.


By my beard! Santa grumbles,
not one thing for me to eat?
You'd think, with all the joy I bring,
they'd offer me some tasty treat.

But
no! No! No!
In every home
all I find are dirty plates.

Crumbs and dregs!
I don't know
when last we had a carrot
from these ingrates.


He turns to his companion
and seethes.
Rudolph, ruminating,
grinds his teeth.

I have checked it twice, says Santa,
and the Naughty List is shorter.
It can't be the Hobnob Goblin
he's been alibied, his cousin

Bogle, who lives beneath the bed
says they were both playing Dead
and didn't stop til New Year's Day.
Next, we can cross off the Maids

of Biddenden, who, by chance,
each have the same intolerance
to gluten. While the Corn Dollies
haven't worked for centuries.


Rudolph snorts
and keeps on chewing.
Santa Claus
continues fuming.

Ogres still prefer the bones
of children, rarely enter homes
(but when they do they leave a mess,
much, much messier than this).

And Jammie Dodgers will confess
to anything. And everything.
They're wanting the attention
would be my guess. Like Trolls

(they really, really get my goat).

The Dun Cow does not touch lactose,
and Lady Finger has kept her nose
clean since she came out of prison,
which only leaves us real villains

like Pepernoot and the Fattigmann.
But this seems much to tame for them.
Likewise Brownies, they're tea-total
now, and I don't believe that Kobold's

act like this, not all together;
though they're homely mischief makers
and it's a cosy crime. Domestic.
Certainly not one majestic

enough for the Great Macaroon,
besides, there's no way her balloon
could travel at the speed she'd need,
which doesn't leave that many thieves

able to pull a heist like this.
Ginger Breadman tops the list.
but, frankly, he is such a snob
that


Rudolph swallows, interrupts.
......Maybe it was an inside job?




______________________



v2. (Still looking for a title)

The Unlocked Room & Purloined Pastry


The beastly Christmas Biscuit Thief
has struck again. That muffled squeak
is Santa chimneying to find
all that has been left behind –
an empty glass, the dust of sugar
hanging in the air. Some bugger's
pinched his pie, swigged his sherry.

Another Xmas mystery –
The Unlocked Room and Purloined Pastry

By my beard! Santa grumbles,
not a thing for me to eat.
You'd think, for all the joy I bring,
they'd offer me some tasty treat.
But no! No! No!
In every home
all I find are dirty plates.
Crumbs and dregs!
I don't know
when we last saw a carrot
from these ingrates
.

He turns to his companion
and seethes.
Rudolph, ruminating,
grinds his teeth.

My naughty list is getting shorter.
Checked it more than twice,
says Santa.
It can't be the Hobnob Goblin
he's been alibied, his cousin,
the bogle living under the bed
says they were both playing Dead
and didn't stop til New Year's Day.

Next, we can cross off the Maids
of Biddenden, who, by chance,
both have the same intolerance
to gluten. While the Corn Dollies
haven't worked for centuries.


Rudolph, saying nothing,
keeps on chewing.

Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes
(though when they do they leave a mess,
much, much messier than this).
And Jammie Dodgers will confess
to anything. And everything.
They're wanting the attention
would be my guess. Like Trolls.

The Dun Cow won't touch lactose,
and Ladyfinger's kept her nose
clean since she came out of prison,
Which only leaves real villains,
like Pepernoot and Fattigmann
but this seems much to tame for them.

Likewise Brownies, they're tea-total
now, and I can't believe Kobold's
would act like this, all together.
Granted, they're grand mischief makers.
and it's a cosy crime, domestic.
Certainly one not majestic
enough for the Great Macaroon.
besides, there's no way his balloon
could travel at the speed he'd need,
which doesn't leave that many thieves
who could pull a heist like this.
Ginger Breadman tops the list.
but really he is such a snob
that

.....What about an inside job?

Asks Rudolph, swallowing.






______________________



Merry Christmas

The beastly Christmas Biscuit Thief*
has struck again. That muffled shriek
is Santa entering to find
all that has been left behind –
an empty glass, the dust of sugar
hanging in the air. Some bugger's
pinched his pie, swigged his sherry.
Another case of midnight larceny
as fair as this you will never see.

By my beard! Santa thunders,
what is left for me to eat?
You'd think, with all the joy I bring,
they'd offer me some tasty treat
but no,
in every home or hovel,
council flat or palace royal
they leave me their dirty dishes.
crumbs and dregs,
their empty plates,

I don't know the last time
we even had a carrot
from these ingrates.

He turns to his companion
and seethes,
Rudolph, keeps his counsel,
grinds his teeth.




* Is this a character that needs to be developed?



.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Mon Sep 21, 2020 3:50 pm, edited 10 times in total.

Macavity
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by Macavity » Tue Sep 15, 2020 8:35 pm

I don't see why not. A little bit of seasonal cheer in these unseasonal times. Nicely restrained ending. Inside Job for a title? Is Santa more of a bellower than a shrieker, or am I stereotyping masculinity?

best

mac

TrevorConway
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:46 am

Hi Not,

I found this more accessible than some of your recent poems. The idea seemed clearer here. I think the title's okay, but could be worth thinking of others. One that came to mind was "Season's Thiefings". As regards developing the character, I'd say yes at first, but since it turns out that Rudolph is the thief, you could simply have Santa obsessing over the identity of the thief, with little indications that it's probably someone he knows (or an animal or whatever) seeded throughout. Maybe he feels he's getting warmer/closer to the truth.

The rhyme scheme generally worked, didn't feel overly forced in general and didn't matter when it changed. The half-rhymes worked fine, too, I think.

Ideas below.


Season's Thiefings

The beastly Christmas Biscuit Thief* [Quote Santa instead: "A beastly, rotten Yuletide thief/has struck again"...then wonder if it's the same thief in every house]
has struck again. That muffled shriek
is Santa entering to find
all that has been left behind –
an empty glass, the dust of sugar
hanging in the air. Some bugger's [Hanging in the air doesn't work with a dust of sugar]
pinched his pie, swigged his sherry.
Another case of midnight larceny [Delete last 2 lines of verse - weak/unnecessary]
as fair as this you will never see.

[Add a verse where he ponders the identity of the thief, various clues piquing his interest]

By my beard! Santa thunders,
what is left for me to eat? ["what is left felt" stilted; even "what's left" would be better]
You'd think, with all the joy I bring,
they'd offer me some tasty treat
but no[.]
n every home or hovel,
council flat or palace royal [Awkward word order to fit rhyme: "palace(ful) of royals"?]
they leave me their dirty dishes.
crumbs and dregs,
their empty plates[.] [Delete "their"]

[Delete next verse and replace it with more clues about the identity of the thief?]

I don't know the last time
we even had a carrot
from these ingrates.

He turns to his companion [Could begin here with Santa talking: "Well, Rudolph, any idea/who's...(doing this, etc.)?"
and seethes,
Rudolph, keeps his counsel,
grinds his teeth.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Sep 16, 2020 1:43 pm

.
Hi Mac, Trev,
thanks for the feedback.

You and your stereotyping, mac! How about I change 'shriek' to the more ambiguous, but (hopefully) equally gender nonconformist, 'squeak' ?

And Trev, palace royal seemed ok, there's a Princess Royal, after all :)

Just so I'm clear: mac, are you suggesting it's the parents wot dun it? (Inside Job, like this, thanks)
And Trev, you think it's Rudolph?


Regards, Not


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Macavity
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by Macavity » Wed Sep 16, 2020 2:53 pm

I think pointing to red nosed suspects is bias :D
That muffled grief
is Santa entering to find
?

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Sep 16, 2020 5:39 pm

.
Was that a yes?
Macavity wrote:
Wed Sep 16, 2020 2:53 pm
I think pointing to red nosed suspects is bias :D
Are you stereotyping the Irish now, mac? :D

Regards, Not



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TrevorConway
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Sep 16, 2020 6:39 pm

Yep, I thought that's what you were getting at with Rudolph's seemingly shifty reaction at the end.

T

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Re: Too Soon?

Post by Macavity » Wed Sep 16, 2020 7:54 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Wed Sep 16, 2020 5:39 pm
.
Was that a yes?
Macavity wrote:
Wed Sep 16, 2020 2:53 pm
I think pointing to red nosed suspects is bias :D
Are you stereotyping the Irish now, mac? :D

Regards, Not



.
Nope. Us Celts are a united front. I'm awaiting the CSI report!

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Sep 17, 2020 11:48 am

.
Hi Trev, mac.

Thanks for returning.

Trev, Rudolph's behaviour may just be a red nose herring,
(unfortunately, as I haven't decided whodunit, it's too
early to say).

CSI? Careful mac, that stuff'll rot your brains.
I'm starting to hear Holmes in this somewhere
(Santa as Sherlock, Rudolph as Watson? Bugger,
I hoped this one was near done, but clearly it isn't)


Regards both, Not


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Macavity
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by Macavity » Thu Sep 17, 2020 5:22 pm

Moriarty probably masterminded, the puppeteer, but who was the puppet?

TrevorConway
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Sep 17, 2020 6:19 pm

Wouldn't it be great if the tooth fairy was the culprit! :D Just follow the trail of teeth...

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Too Soon?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Sep 19, 2020 5:28 pm

.
Hi Trev,
'tooth fairy' - got me thinking (but for a separate piece ... hopefully).

Regards, Not.


In the meantime

- a revision, with reservations -


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Re: Too Soon?

Post by Macavity » Sun Sep 20, 2020 1:30 am

General thumbs up on the tweaks. On the expansion I'll need to do some research, but the gluten made me smile. Is bogle the same as bogie?(okay, just checked that one) Like the Purloined Pastry bit of the title.

mac

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Re: Too Soon?

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:02 pm

.
Thanks for returning mac,
enjoy the research :)

(Done a bit more tweaking, minor stuff) and wondered if the title really needs to appear before the poem starts?
If it does, then maybe something simpler like The Christmas Biscuit Mystery, or The CBT would be the way to go?

Regards, Not


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Re: Too Soon? (v2b)

Post by Macavity » Mon Sep 21, 2020 5:54 am

The Christmas Biscuit Mystery

Well, you've definitely gone in a biscuit direction and it does reflect a movie genre.

cheers

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Too Soon? (v2b)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Sep 21, 2020 3:47 pm

.
Hi mac, thanks for returning.
Macavity wrote:
Mon Sep 21, 2020 5:54 am
Well, you've definitely gone in a biscuit direction and it does reflect a movie genre.
Always liked a good Western. Surely it was obvious that one of the possibilities with Biscuit Thief
was that the thief is a Biscuit? :) Especially pleased with the ambiguity of Brownie. That was
a new one to me.
I think this one's finished, unless the urge to write a conclusive ending overwhelms me.

Regards, Not


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