Out Of My League

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ray miller
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Out Of My League

Post by ray miller » Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:24 am

These days she always ends up on top,
eyes tight shut the better to fuck
and focus on felicity, unaware
I’m somewhere in between
Accrington Stanley and York City.
A tip I picked up from a self-help book
way back in my early twenties:
to delay ejaculation,
work your way through a mental list.
So I memorised the teams of the Football League.
In those days I’d rarely make it
past the Bristols, but with time and practice
I began to reach the Middlesboroughs
and Southends on a regular basis.
Lately, lots of sides have been slipping out
the league altogether, to be substituted
by less familiar places. Every year it gets harder
to remember all ninety-two teams.
If she opened her eyes she might mistake
my furrowed brows for blissfulness
when I’m just trying to dodge
the drop into The Conference.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Out Of My League

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:22 pm

.
Hi ray,
great title. Like the beginning and the (ahem) climax, but the middle section (L8 - to 'places' or even 'teams') isn't doing much, for me.

"Every year it gets harder" - boasting? :)

('when all I'm trying to do is dodge' ?)


Regards, Not.


.

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Perry
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Re: Out Of My League

Post by Perry » Fri Jan 17, 2020 1:25 am

I think that this is a very good poem -- humorous and yet poignant. There's a certain sadness to having to delay ejaculation (pleasure) with what amounts to a word game, and the poem conveys that feeling along with the humor in a balanced way.
ray miller wrote:
Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:24 am
These days she always ends up on top,
eyes tight shut, the better to fuck [add comma]
and focus on felicity, unaware
that I’m somewhere in between [add "that"]
Accrington Stanley and York City.
A tip I picked up from a self-help book
way back in my early twenties: to delay ejaculation,
work your way through a mental list.
So I memorised the teams of the Football League.
In those days I’d rarely make it
past the Bristols, but with time and practice
I began to reach the Middlesboroughs
and Southends on a regular basis.
Lately, lots of sides have been slipping out
of the league altogether, to be substituted [add "of"]
by less familiar places. Every year it gets harder [substitute "places" with "names"?]
to remember all ninety-two teams.
If she opened her eyes she might mistake
my furrowed brows for blissful joy
when I’m just trying to dodge
the drop into The Conference.
"blissful joy" might be a redundancy, but I feel that "ness" needs to be replaced with a one-syllable word to make it flow better. I'm sure you can think of something that's not redundant.

As time passes, I find myself eliminating adjectives and adverbs that aren't absolutely necessary as I feel that they clutter up (and therefore dilute) a poem, and thus I struck "tight", "way back" and "all".

My changes above are very specific. I was just applying my own sensibility to your syntax. They are, of course, suggestions. You should use your own syntax.

Good work.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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