Brisbane, New Year's Day

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churinga
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Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:12 pm

I walk around entranced somewhat
by this new city. The architecture
takes me out and away from my petty self
and the drab concerns that age can make.

Yachts and bigger boats are parked
in the brown, soft flowing river
and sharp apartments nestle together
as the water laps and slaps old stones.

In the CBD, in the crass casino,
gamblers whoop success over 'easy money'.
Outside, cultural artefacts dot the square.
I walk on in quiet celebration.

Perry
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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Perry » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:22 am

This is a nice little poem, but not very ambitious. It would be more moving if you would add more drama, more contrast between your before-and-after moods -- perhaps make it about your depression being lifted, instead of just being lifted out of your "drab concerns". Perhaps you see more drama and feeling in the words than I do, but I see very little.

The poem is an interesting twist on the usual theme, which is nature saving us from the stresses of civilization. And that makes sense. Despite all our concerns about the loss of nature, we humans do love our artificial environments.

What is the CBD? Does the poem have something to do with being high?
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churinga
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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:37 am

Hi Perry

Thanks for your comments. CBD is an acronym for Central Business District, it is commonly used here in Australia and I assume elsewhere. I did wonder why you thought it was a drug. I had no idea CBD also applies to a form of cannabis oil.

cheers

Ross
Last edited by churinga on Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Binz » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:53 am

Churinga,

I like 'laps and slaps old stones' and think you could have more sound/image lines like that in this poem.

I'd prefer 'moored' to 'parked' for boats, or how about something more expressive like 'resting' or even 'sleeping'.

I also find 'cultural artefacts' too general, it would be nice to focus in on something more specific that would help the reader engage with your experience of being in the city.

Several years since I've been to Brisbane so it was nice to be reminded of it. Selfishly I was hoping for images of Ibis scavenging the South Bank area and thought maybe the square could be the memorial square with the eternal flame - that could then contrast gamblers losing money against those who lost so much more. But that's me and it's your poem not mine.

B.
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.

churinga
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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:25 am

Hi Binz

I used 'parked' to suggest the boats were in the city in the same way cars are, I deliberately avoided using 'moored'.

The casino is in the Old Treasury building and outside it is the square I describe. I do know the memorial you mention, but that is not where I was.

'cultural aritfacts' is used in a slightly ironic way. Brisbane has had a huge injection of wealth via mining profits and is trying hard to be a sophisticated city. I think it's wonderful and exhilarating but there is also a nouveau riche element.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by ray miller » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:21 am

A quiet celebration describes the poem, I suppose. It grew on me. Some suggestions below
churinga wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:12 pm
I walk around entranced somewhat
by this new city. The architecture
takes me out and away from my petty self - takes me out of my petty self?
and the drab concerns that age can make.

Yachts and bigger boats are parked
in the brown, soft flowing river
and sharp apartments nestle together
as the water laps and slaps old stones.

In the CBD, in the crass casino, - I don't much like the repeat of "in the" and casinos are crass by their nature
gamblers whoop success over 'easy money'. - don't think you need "success"
Outside, cultural artefacts dot the square. - don't think you need "Outside"
I walk on in quiet celebration.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

churinga
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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:00 pm

Hi Ray

I agree with all your criticisms, they make the poem more succinct. My defence is that the poem has a meter/cadence that's establshed in the first V and I tried to keep that going. I am a songster at heart.

I will try your suggestions and see how it looks.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Mirrorball » Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:02 pm

Hi Ross,

Nice postcard type sentiment. A bit like a city equivalent of daffodils, it's a kind of modern romance.

I'm surprised you're as old as you declared on another thread because I had your poetic voice placed at half your age. I guess the average age on here is quite high.

CBD is a bit to clinical for me and reminds me too much of A-level geography. If you're making cuts later down that line then I'd consider expanding to 'business district' or an equivalent. These places are almost always in the city centre.

Also, do 'sharp' things 'nestle'? It's an interesting juxtaposition.

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:22 pm

Hi Mirrorball

i also regard this as a postcard poem. i don't use a camera and instead write poems about my travels.

The sharp apartments are all new, all made of glass, concrete and stainless steel ( the river is salty) and all close together because the river is the key to the city's charm.

CBD is used a lot here so it seemed natural to me.

Yes i am 70. I am old enough to remember when koalas crossed the road and the ice man delivered ice.

kind regards

Ross

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Perry » Fri Oct 12, 2018 12:25 am

churinga wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:37 am
Thanks for your comments. CBD is an acronym for Central Business District, it is commonly used here in Australia and I assume elsewhere. I did wonder why you thought it was a drug. I had no idea CBD also applies to a form of cannabis oil.
Just so you'll know, CBD isn't an initialism used in the U.S. that I am aware of. There might be a city here and there where they have fallen into the habit of using it, but I doubt it. The common phrase that means the "downtown district" of a town is "Main Street". For a city, it is just "downtown".
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churinga
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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Fri Oct 12, 2018 1:04 am

Hi Perry

There are many words and phrases unique to a country. It should not be cause for confusion. CBD is in the dictionary, and almost any phrase or word, no matter how arcane, can be found online.
You could even look up Churinga if you like.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Binz » Fri Oct 12, 2018 6:31 am

Hi Ross, thanks for the extra info

cheers

B.
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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Mirrorball » Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:17 am

Hi Ross,

I'm familiar with the acronym CBD over in the UK. I first came across it in geography lessons at school when studying the Burgess concentric rings model to describe a typical pattern of urban development.

For London, we would use the phrase 'the city' or 'the financial district'. For some reason those terms conjure up a more poetic image than CBD, which is also a bit cacophonic to the ear in my view.

But I don't like being picky about a good poem and it's up to you.

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:09 pm

HI Mirroball

CBD has replaced city here. I suppose because it means the business district specifically rather than the city as a whole. I think CBD sounds OK but I can appreciate that it looks odd if you are not used to it. It is not slang here, it is accepted usage. I used it because its 3 syllables balance the 3 syllables of 'casino'.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Macavity » Sun Oct 14, 2018 1:32 am

Like the positivity of the end. The negatives of introspection left behind. The material acquisitions and pursuits distanced. Had a sense of self-worth rather than being diminished. Nicely done.

Ray had made some relevant points on crits. In regard to CBD - I prefer the local relevance rather than translating to terms used by other countries - that way lies cultural imperialism!

cheers

mac
churinga wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:12 pm
I walk around entranced somewhat
by this new city. The architecture
takes me out and away from my petty self
and the drab concerns that age can make.

Yachts and bigger boats are parked
in the brown, soft flowing river
and sharp apartments nestle together
as the water laps and slaps old stones.

In the CBD, in the crass casino,
gamblers whoop success over 'easy money'.
Outside, cultural artefacts dot the square.
I walk on in quiet celebration.

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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by Firebird » Sun Oct 14, 2018 8:40 am

Overall, I like the poem and the way it ends positively. The title works well as a context too. Some of the lines though I think could be improved. See specific points below.
churinga wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:12 pm
I walk around entranced somewhat
by this new city. The architecture
takes me out and away from my petty self (might get rid of ‘pretty’. Not sure it’s needed)
and the drab concerns that age can make. (Maybe it could be ‘and the drab concerns of age’?)

Yachts and bigger boats are parked
in the brown, soft flowing river (one too many adjectives before ‘river’ for me here. It’s sounds cluttered, even though the extra adjective maintains the rhythm of the line.)
and sharp apartments nestle together (‘nestle’ sounds wrong here to me. It’s somehow sounds too soft almost bucolic. I do like ‘sharp apartments’)
as the water laps and slaps old stones. (Nice sonics)

In the CBD, in the crass casino, (if it’s natural to say CBD in Australia keep it. Although as a Brit it doesn’t sound natural to my ear at all)
gamblers whoop success over 'easy money'.
Outside, cultural artefacts dot the square.
I walk on in quiet celebration.
It’s a nice poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

churinga
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Re: Brisbane, New Year's Day

Post by churinga » Sun Oct 14, 2018 7:58 pm

Thanks Mac and Tristan.

CBD sounds odd to you, this from folks who call their country the UK... or the USA. :? :shock: :idea:

Tristan, the poem is very formal metrically. I can see how it could be condensed as you and Ray have suggested, I don't think I could do that without destroying the meter. Some on another forum found it too tight, too anchored to the meter. I will probably tinker with it and try condensing but not now, i never fix poems on the run, I don't post revisions, they come years later.

TTFN

Ross

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