Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

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1lankest
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Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by 1lankest » Thu Sep 13, 2018 5:49 pm

A minute’s a long time
to prolong nakedness,
let your arms hang
towelless in perspex skin,

dappled in the dawn-
lit steam. Within each
pearl of condensation
an apparition:
That glance. That kiss.
One swells to the limit
of its weight
and slips the glass -

Uffizi, June. A sweat-
bead slides the ivory
skin of your shoulder
as you hold back the tide
of a Florentine crowd
with that forbidding
Celtic aura. They wait
in choreographed
patience, ionised,
pressed to the levee
you constructed
from your bank
of auburn hair.

Like her you’re drifting
on a clamshell to shore,
slowly, seeking
the robe I offer.


Revision

A minute’s a long time
to prolong nakedness,
let your arms hang
towelless in perspex
skin, dappled
in the dawn-lit
steam. This spent
machinery of organs
grunt and gripe,
clogged by deposits
too deep to purge
through dowsing,
the daily
penitent exfoliation
conducted in a ritual haze
of mauvaise fois:
Is it rust or rot
you’re frightened of?
- The lot, love, the lot.


Original

A minute’s a long time
to prolong nakedness,
let your arms hang

towelless in perspex
skin, speckled
in the dawn-lit

steam.
Inside, a spent machinery
of organs pulse and gripe,
clogged by deposits

too deep to purge
through dousing,
the daily penitent
exfoliation

conducted
in a ritual haze
of mauvaise fois:

Is it rust or rot
you’re frightened of?

- The lot, love, the lot.

Within each drop
an apparition
of the various scenes
we preserve

in the palimpsest
of the bathroom mirror.

They swirl, each particle,
settle on glass.
That glance. That Kiss.

I shiver -
How we’ve grown.
Last edited by 1lankest on Tue Sep 18, 2018 7:08 pm, edited 5 times in total.

1lankest
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Re: Drip-dried

Post by 1lankest » Fri Sep 14, 2018 8:57 am

Just realised I misspelt dousing - although in some ways dowsing works too!

L

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Re: Drip-dried

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:45 pm

.
Hi Luke.

Drip-dried
- Like the title
(though it rather undersells
the piece).

A minute’s a long time
to prolong nakedness,

- excellent opening lines
let your arms hang
- either 'to let' or 'letting' ?

towelless in perspex
skin, speckled

- don't think 'speckled' works,
or rather, it takes me away from
wet skin. (Don't know if it's a
word but would 'dropletted'
work?)
in the dawn-lit
- I hadn't though of this as
being outside, but 'dawn-lit'
suggest that to me.

steam.

- not keen on a one word line
Inside, a spent machinery
of organs pulse and gripe,

- very minor nit, but, if
'spent' then how are they
pulsing? But the image
is great.
clogged by deposits

too deep to purge
through dousing,

- maybe a full stop
rather than a comma?
the daily penitent
- penitent seems a bit
heavy (though it sets up
much of what follows),
would 'apologetic' work?
And wasn't your last penitent
crawling in Angkor?
exfoliation

conducted
in a ritual haze
of mauvaise fois:

love 'mauvaise fois',
wonderfully misleading
if you hadn't heard the term
(as I hadn't).

Is it rust or rot
you’re frightened of?

- The lot, love, the lot.

This seems to be a really
good place to end.
(Though I do like the final
couplet).

Regards, Not.

.

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Re: Drip-dried

Post by Macavity » Fri Sep 14, 2018 8:21 pm

A minute’s a long time
to prolong nakedness,
Great grab for an opening Luke and opening shower scene is the best bit for me, but did like...
Is it rust or rot
you’re frightened of?

- The lot, love, the lot.
Tend to agree with NQS that would be a good cut-off.

cheers

mac

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Re: Drip-dried

Post by 1lankest » Sat Sep 15, 2018 8:41 am

Thanks Mac, not, really helpful.

I’ll respond with a revision.

L

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Re: Drip-dried (revised)

Post by ray miller » Sun Sep 16, 2018 9:29 am

I love the opening sentence. Should it be grunts and gripes? I like the final 3 lines, too, but I'm not seeing where bad faith comes into this.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Drip-dried (revised)

Post by 1lankest » Tue Sep 18, 2018 4:22 pm

Thanks all, I’ve gone for a rogue revision as I got the impression there wasn’t much of a poem here.

Possibly less of one now but I enjoyed writing it.

Totally different it should probably be a new thread.

L

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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by Perry » Tue Sep 18, 2018 9:18 pm

I didn't comment on the first version because I found it difficult to follow. The latest version is much better in that regard -- i.e., more comprehensible.

This is a woman-as-sex-goddess poem, and I think that subject all by itself has become somewhat hackneyed. The goddess rises from the stream with pearls of water glistening, and the male observer has to restrain himself from having a spontaneous orgasm as she drifts to the shore on a clam shell, so perfect in her beauty that she doesn't even walk. This kind of poem has been done before -- and it doesn't even reflect reality. The reality is that human beauty is transient, shallow and not that important or valuable in the long run (although it's what everybody wants). What I'd like to see you do is to bring some depth to the subject.

Now, everyone knows that I am gay, and I have just posted my own poem about male beauty (which you panned). Whether my poem was written well or not, at least I'm trying to find a deeper meaning in the subject -- and that's what I'd like to see you do. Here's a topic for you: Women are considered to be the beautiful sex, yet in general they are treated very poorly by men. They are blocked from power; they do all the drudge work in the home; when they work outside the home, they earn less money than men do; they are beaten, raped and murdered at a higher rate than men are; etc. I'm not saying that you shouldn't write a poem about female beauty, but please try to give us a new angle.
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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by Mirrorball » Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:11 am

Luke, I've been meaning to comment. I will get round to it soon hopefully. This another bookmark and I have read both updated versions.

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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by Mirrorball » Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:38 pm

Hi Luke,

You've kept the same start with a different poem. I enjoyed reading both poems. I'll comment on the latest version seeing that you've had more feedback on the other poem.


Venus in steam
Gillette advert?

A minute’s a long time
to prolong nakedness,
I like these opening lines as a hook too
let your arms hang
towelless in perspex skin,
Previously I read perspex as transparent and a primer for the organs image. I'm less sure of its use here other than as a connection to a shower screen

dappled in the dawn-
lit steam. Within each
pearl of condensation
an apparition:
Makes me think of one of Mac's recent poems. Not sure if you were giving him a nod. I like it in any case
That glance. That kiss.
One swells to the limit :shock:
of its weight
and slips the glass -

Uffizi, June. A sweat-
bead slides the ivory Nice link to S1
skin of your shoulder
as you hold back the tide
of a Florentine crowd
with that forbidding
Celtic aura. They wait
in choreographed
patience, ionised,
pressed to the levee
you constructed a bit too building site for me
from your bank
of auburn hair. I do like the levee/bank of hair image but wonder what the flood might be

Like her you’re drifting I see what you've done, nice touch, the tenses did confuse me. It would have been clearer if you'd written S2 in the past tense but I guess you're going for more of a flashback than a memory.
on a clamshell to shore,
slowly, seeking
the robe I offer

my parents have a clamshell 3 piece suite so I can go with the bathroom goddess image here. I'm not sure if you meant it that way

I do like the ending in any case.

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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by 1lankest » Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:34 pm

Thanks Perry, funnily enough I didn’t write it as a sensual poem - not consciously, but reading it back I see why you read it that way and it makes me dislike them poem quite intensely! Thanks for letting me see the light! (Although I do wish you weren’t quite so reactive and, dare I say it, vengeful in your responses - we mean no harm here).

Cheers mirror, thanks for the read.

L

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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by lotus » Fri Sep 21, 2018 5:54 am

`

Venus in the steam

A minute’s a long time
to prolong nakedness,
let your arms hang
towelless in perspex skin,

dappled in the dawn-
lit steam. Within each
pearl of condensation
an apparition:
That glance. That kiss.
One swells to the limit
of its weight
and slips the glass -

Uffizi, June. A sweat-
bead slides the ivory
skin of your shoulder
as you hold back the tide
of a Florentine crowd
with that forbidding
Celtic aura. They wait
in choreographed
patience, ionised,
pressed to the levee
you constructed
from your bank
of auburn hair.

Like her you’re drifting
on a clamshell to shore,
slowly, seeking
the robe I offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


dear Luke

this is the version i find the finest
reminds me of afternoons decades ago
sitting in the sun in Fiesole
avoiding the tourists in
Firenze


silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by Perry » Fri Sep 21, 2018 6:16 am

1lankest wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:34 pm
Thanks Perry, funnily enough I didn’t write it as a sensual poem - not consciously, but reading it back I see why you read it that way and it makes me dislike them poem quite intensely! Thanks for letting me see the light! (Although I do wish you weren’t quite so reactive and, dare I say it, vengeful in your responses - we mean no harm here).
There might have been a touch of revenge in my critique. I couldn't believe the way you dismissed my own poem. But I wasn't just making things up to get back at you. Someone else posted a misogynistic poem recently and I didn't call him on it, and this time I decided to be completely honest.
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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by 1lankest » Fri Sep 21, 2018 6:26 am

Misogynistic?

It’s a poem inspired by the memory of a trip my wife and I took to Florence to see the painting she had always dreampt of seeing. She stood at the front of the crowd without moving for about 15 mins exuding more power, in my view, than the piece itself.

I dislike my poem now because I see it fails to convey this meaning (with some clumsy and misplaced imagery) but it is by no means misogynistic. Please be careful throwing accusations like this around.

Luke

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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by Perry » Fri Sep 21, 2018 10:26 am

My apologies. I was actually using that word to describe the other poem, but I guess yours was included by implication.

Perhaps in exchange you won't call my poems self-indulgent and bland, and say things like there is no poetry in my poetry.
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Re: Venus in the steam (was Drip-dried)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Sep 21, 2018 3:03 pm

.
Rogue revision indeed!
To be honest, I thought you were the subject
of the original.
Not sure this version really works, or rather
I think they are two separate poems.
The latest seems a bit overwrought in places
but I really liked

Uffizi, June. A sweat-
bead slides the ivory
skin of your shoulder

- you might cut 'skin'
as you hold back the tide
of a Florentine crowd

- or
as you hold back the
Florentine tide ?

They wait
pressed to the levee
you constructed
from your bank
of auburn hair.


the robe I offer - would make a good title.

Like this too, just not sure where it fits.
Within each
pearl of condensation
an apparition:
That glance. That kiss.
One swells to the limit
of its weight
and slips the glass

Though it does works well on its own :)
(better, perhaps, if you cut 'of condensation').

Regards, Not.

.

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