Oval (revision2)

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Oval (revision2)

Postby Macavity » Tue Jul 10, 2018 5:25 pm

revision2

I like the word oval. So for breakfast
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls and never sighs.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.

It's winter now. She walks on settled snow
down the Kissing Lane, and locks our door
because I lost her gloves. I'm getting slow.
She takes her sister's eager Labrador.

I see her hands are cold, her sable hair
flecked with frost. Childless we've grown old.


revised

I like the word oval. So for breakfast
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls. There is no sigh.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.

It's winter now. She walks on settled snow
her sister's Labrador, and locks our door
because I'm getting slow. She likes to steam
a trouser crease to steer me through my day.

Her heart is cold because I lost her gloves.
We're flecked with frost. Childless, we've grown old.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



original

I like the word oval. So for breakfast
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls. There is no sigh.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.

It's winter now. She walks in settled snow
down the Kissing Lane, and locks our door
because I lost her gloves. I'm getting slow.
She takes her sister's eager Labrador.

I see her hands are cold, her cropped hair
flecked with frost. Childless we've grown old.
Last edited by Macavity on Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:06 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: Oval

Postby Firebird » Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:58 pm

I like it Mac. It has a powerful, poignant final line. If I'm not mistaken it's a sonnet. It doesn't matter to me, but it may matter to some that the rhyming scheme in s1 is different from the other two stanzas and the final couplet doesn't rhyme. I also think that l9 is a very stark change. I would prefer a more subtle change from the previous two stanzas in l9. I like the oval thread through the poem: egg/spoon/a pregnant belly. Lots of nice sonics as usual. I wasn't sure what the 'lost gloves in s3 referred to? I like the distance created in l13. Overall it's a promising sonnet. And I really like the end.

Cheers,

Tristan



Macavity wrote:I like the word oval. So for breakfast
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls. There is no sigh.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.

It's winter now. She walks in settled snow
down the Kissing Lane, and locks our door
because I lost her gloves. I'm getting slow.
She takes her sister's eager Labrador.

I see her hands are cold, her cropped hair
flecked with frost. Childless we've grown old.
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Re: Oval

Postby 1lankest » Wed Jul 11, 2018 9:59 am

Very nice, Mac.

Oval - ovaries?

Touching and sad, but with some comic levity. Especially like the fennel/fish bit. Made me chuckle.

No nits.

Luke
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Re: Oval

Postby churinga » Wed Jul 11, 2018 10:28 am

Oval - ovaries?
Luke[/quote]

Oval and ovaries both come from the latin for egg, ovum.
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Re: Oval

Postby 1lankest » Wed Jul 11, 2018 10:58 am

Indeed I was suggesting the connection was intentional.
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Re: Oval

Postby NotQuiteSure » Wed Jul 11, 2018 1:50 pm

     
Hi mac.
Really good one, some wonderful lines
and the tone is perfect.

Oval
Not keen on this,
as it's repeated in the opening sentence.
(Personally I'd prefer that as the title).

I like the word oval. So for breakfast
- comma after 'So' ?
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child

- 'gently'? Are you sure? Bit weak, all things considered.
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls. There is no sigh.

- Love, 'she steams...', lost on 'There is no sigh'
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.
- shame about the repetition of fish.
(Repetition of 'I like' makes its absence in the
next verse noticeable)

-Agree with Tristan, it's a bit of a jump from S2
(but I'm not sure I mind). But, 'settled snow'
makes 'It's winter now' redundant.
It's winter now. She walks in settled snow
-'settled snow', excellent.
down the Kissing Lane, and locks our door
because I lost her gloves. I'm getting slow.
She takes her sister's eager Labrador.

- don't get this line at all (or not enough to like it)

I see her hands are cold, her cropped hair
flecked with frost. Childless we've grown old.

- 'flecked' is a bit predictable. Comma after 'Childless' ?

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Oval

Postby Macavity » Wed Jul 11, 2018 8:17 pm

Firebird wrote:I like it Mac. It has a powerful, poignant final line. If I'm not mistaken it's a sonnet. It doesn't matter to me, but it may matter to some that the rhyming scheme in s1 is different from the other two stanzas and the final couplet doesn't rhyme.


Thanks Tristan. I have a number of deviations from the 'traditional' - your disappearing poem prompted me :) :wink:

Touching and sad, but with some comic levity. Especially like the fennel/fish bit. Made me chuckle.


Pleased you liked some of the 'comic' elements Luke.

And thanks NQS. As usual you've made a number of thoughtful prompts to edit. i think I need to consider them all!

cheers

mac
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Re: Oval (revision)

Postby churinga » Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:03 am

Hi Mac

I much prefer the original and see no reason to revise it. I understand the reference to Shakespeare and T.S Eliot. The rest seems perfectly clear to me and the last couplet with its internal rhymes works well.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

cheers

Ross
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Re: Oval (revision)

Postby Antcliff » Thu Jul 12, 2018 12:55 pm

Greetings, Mac

I liked ln. 7 very much.

I was slightly puzzled by this bit...

"She walks in settled snow
her sister's Labrador, and locks our door
because I'm getting slow."

Does she walk the snow inside....on her shoes or possibly the paws of a labrador? Or does she walk on/through snow? Or is your "in" intended to be ambiguous between these two options? If the first, should there be a hyphen between walks/in? I think the second is the intended option, but I am not sure....so thought I would ask.

Me
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
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Re: Oval (revision)

Postby Macavity » Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:47 am

churinga wrote:Hi Mac

I much prefer the original and see no reason to revise it. I understand the reference to Shakespeare and T.S Eliot. The rest seems perfectly clear to me and the last couplet with its internal rhymes works well.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

cheers

Ross


Thanks Ross. I like revising to play with options, a learning experience, a way of not being trapped in a template. Pleased you found clarity in the original (which may be nearer a more authentic, engaging voice)

best

mac
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Re: Oval (revision)

Postby Macavity » Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:51 am

Antcliff wrote:Greetings, Mac

I liked ln. 7 very much.

I was slightly puzzled by this bit...

"She walks in settled snow
her sister's Labrador, and locks our door
because I'm getting slow."

Does she walk the snow inside....on her shoes or possibly the paws of a labrador? Or does she walk on/through snow? Or is your "in" intended to be ambiguous between these two options? If the first, should there be a hyphen between walks/in? I think the second is the intended option, but I am not sure....so thought I would ask.

Me


Interesting thought Seth, but not intended so I will edit.

cheers

mac
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Re: Oval (revision)

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Jul 14, 2018 7:42 am

A modern sonnet and a good one at that, mac. Delightful read with a poignantly sad close. S3 was a bit awkward, I thought, less easy to understand.

The meter in S1 is a bit tricky to scan, especially as it's followed by tight IP with the odd substitution lobbed into the pot.
Usually the meter is set at the beginning to avoid confusion. However, your intentional move away from the conventional
can account for this "blip".

Your reckless disregard for rhyme is refreshing, and rhyming fish with fish was a hoot. :)
I like the almost impossible to detect assonance and consonance in that department.
Impossible, that is, until you decide to look. The internals are excellent.

The progression is lovely, with some absolutely delightful domestic references that smack of routine.
This gives the poem a believable quality that draws the reader into the heart of the poem.

Macavity wrote:revised

I like the word oval. So for breakfast
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls. There is no sigh. ...Is this the sound of steam escaping? Lost me a bit.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish. ...The swaying fennel is a super image.

It's winter now. She walks on settled snow
her sister's Labrador, and locks our door ...Is that "with her sister's Labrador"?
because I'm getting slow. She likes to steam
a trouser crease to steer me through my day. ...She likes her steam does the lass. :)

Her heart is cold because I lost her gloves.
We're flecked with frost. Childless, we've grown old. ...Another beautiful internal rhyme. Simple but beautiful.


I actually preferred the original, if I'm honest, particularly S3, although locking the door because you lost her gloves seems a bit harsh. :)

A very enjoyable piece, mac

Best

JJ

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



original

I like the word oval. So for breakfast
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls. There is no sigh.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.

It's winter now. She walks in settled snow
down the Kissing Lane, and locks our door
because I lost her gloves. I'm getting slow.
She takes her sister's eager Labrador.

I see her hands are cold, her cropped hair
flecked with frost. Childless we've grown old.
Long time a child and still a child
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Re: Oval (revision2)

Postby Macavity » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:10 pm

Thanks JJ. I've been persuaded to revert to version 1 with some tweaks. I can count 5 stresses in S1 lines though I have shuffled them.

cheers

mac
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Re: Oval (revision2)

Postby Firebird » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:00 pm

Hi Mac, just to let you know, I really like revision two. It's an excellent poem. Hope it finds a good home.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Oval (revision2)

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sun Jul 15, 2018 3:32 pm

     
Hi mac.

A rounder read, as it were, though
'and never sighs' seems to want an explanation
(reads more like it's there for the rhyme and leaves
the 'pearls' unexamined).

Just a suggestion, because I keep getting lost
on this line (S3/L4), how about
and I can't seem to keep up any more ?

Prefer the original ending, the 'cropped hair',
though given the 'locked door' perhaps change
'I see her hands...' to 'I know her hands...' ?

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Oval (revision2)

Postby Macavity » Mon Jul 16, 2018 5:58 pm

Firebird wrote:Hi Mac, just to let you know, I really like revision two. It's an excellent poem. Hope it finds a good home.

Cheers,

Tristan


Thanks for the thumbs up Tristan. I can't think of an ezine that would be interested, but I have been surprised before!

Prefer the original ending, the 'cropped hair',


Thanks NQS. I felt that 'cropped' was hardening the poem and I wanted a more wistful outcome. The Labrador was there to signify a vitality absent in N.

best

mac
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