Ornamental (v2)

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.

Ornamental (v2)

Postby 1lankest » Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:39 pm

V2

I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.

Original

I bought a spoon in Baltistan
and sat by the river, sharpening
my fingers on its edges, cupping

the bowl in the palm of each hand.

Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.
Last edited by 1lankest on Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1273
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Postby NotQuiteSure » Thu Apr 12, 2018 1:25 pm

     
A little gem Luke.

The smallest of small nits.
Not keen on Baltistan - when 'Baltiyul' is available,
and 'ladling' (the sonics seem rather jarring), nor
the single line. How about;

I brought a spoon in Baltistan
and sat by the river, sharpening
my fingers on its edges,

cupping the bowl
in the palm of each hand.

Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.


(Possibly a comma after 'told me' '?)

Enjoyed the read.

Regards, Not.
     
NotQuiteSure
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 684
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Ornamental

Postby Firebird » Thu Apr 12, 2018 5:36 pm

I like it Luke.

How about ‘alien land’ instead of ‘alien world’ in the last line.

Cheers,

Tristan
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1393
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Ornamental

Postby Macavity » Thu Apr 12, 2018 6:45 pm

I enjoyed this too Luke. Lovely final three lines.

I brought a spoon in Baltistan


Did you mean bought?

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4492
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Postby 1lankest » Fri Apr 13, 2018 6:05 pm

Thanks Not, I like your format.
Cheers Tristan, I played with 'land' instead of 'world'....undecided.
Cheers Mac....yes, of course, bloody spelling!

L
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1273
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Postby lotus » Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:49 am

dear L

ladling
heat and light into an alien world.

for the inner ear and third eye
fine poeming

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus
User avatar
lotus
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Postby 1lankest » Mon Apr 16, 2018 5:59 pm

Ta silent, appreciated.

Can I ask if anyone else has a problem with the single line? Can't find a solution I'm happy with and wondering if a solution is necessary.

L
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1273
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Postby David » Mon Apr 16, 2018 6:42 pm

I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.


That's how I'd like it best, Luke. "Ladling" is excellent.

Cheers

David
David
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 13080
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Ornamental

Postby 1lankest » Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:00 pm

I like it, David. Slightly attached to the edited lines (vivid, important memory) but, as we know, the reader doesnt care for the autobiographical details, necessarily.

Will ponder. Cheers,

Luke
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1273
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Postby lotus » Tue Apr 17, 2018 5:42 am

lotus wrote:dear L

ladling
heat and light into an alien world.

for the inner ear and third eye
fine poeming

silent lotus




Ornamental

I bought a spoon in Baltistan
and sat by the river, sharpening
my fingers on its edges, cupping

the bowl in the palm of each hand.

Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.



``

for me the single line
has the subtle effect of aiding the image
of the two hands on either side

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus
User avatar
lotus
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Postby Macavity » Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:21 am

David wrote:I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.


That's how I'd like it best, Luke. "Ladling" is excellent.

Cheers

David


Hi Luke,
I agree with David. I think that is an excellent poem.

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4492
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Postby 1lankest » Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:24 pm

Thanks Lotus, glad you like the image (I do too!) but I'm not sure whether it adds or detracts from the poem's essence, which is the dislocation of a subject/object from its context. The image we like is distracting insofar as it focuses the reader on the narrator instead of the spoon.

Is this kind of what you were thinking David/Mac?

Thanks alot for this, really liking this one now.

L
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1273
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Postby Macavity » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:42 am

hi Luke

Yes, that was my understanding of David's suggestion.

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4492
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Postby JJWilliamson » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:49 pm

I like both versions, Luke, but DO see how V2 condenses the imagery to that spoon. Is it a ladle?

I seem to be the only one struggling with 'sharpening my fingers'. Are you referring to the tapering reflection
brought about by the spoon's curve? I know it's not in the revision but I did wonder.

Here's an alternative format. See what you think

Best

JJ

I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me;
meant for Delhi.

It leans by the fire now,
ladling heat and light
into an alien world.
Long time a child and still a child
User avatar
JJWilliamson
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 2480
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Postby David » Thu Apr 19, 2018 6:10 pm

Macavity wrote:hi Luke

Yes, that was my understanding of David's suggestion.

best

mac

And mine. That really is an excellent poem, Luke.

Cheers

David
David
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 13080
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Postby 1lankest » Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:50 am

Thanks David. I owe you one!

L
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1273
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm


Return to Post-a-Poem (Experienced)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
cron