Ornamental (v2)

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1480
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Ornamental (v2)

Post by 1lankest » Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:39 pm

V2

I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.

Original

I bought a spoon in Baltistan
and sat by the river, sharpening
my fingers on its edges, cupping

the bowl in the palm of each hand.

Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.
Last edited by 1lankest on Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 936
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Ornamental

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Apr 12, 2018 1:25 pm

[tab][/tab]
A little gem Luke.

The smallest of small nits.
Not keen on Baltistan - when 'Baltiyul' is available,
and 'ladling' (the sonics seem rather jarring), nor
the single line. How about;

I brought a spoon in Baltistan
and sat by the river, sharpening
my fingers on its edges,

cupping the bowl
in the palm of each hand.

Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.


(Possibly a comma after 'told me' '?)

Enjoyed the read.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 1587
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Ornamental

Post by Firebird » Thu Apr 12, 2018 5:36 pm

I like it Luke.

How about ‘alien land’ instead of ‘alien world’ in the last line.

Cheers,

Tristan

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4863
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Post by Macavity » Thu Apr 12, 2018 6:45 pm

I enjoyed this too Luke. Lovely final three lines.
I brought a spoon in Baltistan
Did you mean bought?

best

mac

1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1480
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Post by 1lankest » Fri Apr 13, 2018 6:05 pm

Thanks Not, I like your format.
Cheers Tristan, I played with 'land' instead of 'world'....undecided.
Cheers Mac....yes, of course, bloody spelling!

L

User avatar
lotus
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 193
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Post by lotus » Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:49 am

dear L

ladling
heat and light into an alien world.

for the inner ear and third eye
fine poeming

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1480
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Post by 1lankest » Mon Apr 16, 2018 5:59 pm

Ta silent, appreciated.

Can I ask if anyone else has a problem with the single line? Can't find a solution I'm happy with and wondering if a solution is necessary.

L

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13259
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Ornamental

Post by David » Mon Apr 16, 2018 6:42 pm

I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.


That's how I'd like it best, Luke. "Ladling" is excellent.

Cheers

David

1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1480
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Post by 1lankest » Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:00 pm

I like it, David. Slightly attached to the edited lines (vivid, important memory) but, as we know, the reader doesnt care for the autobiographical details, necessarily.

Will ponder. Cheers,

Luke

User avatar
lotus
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 193
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Post by lotus » Tue Apr 17, 2018 5:42 am

lotus wrote:dear L

ladling
heat and light into an alien world.

for the inner ear and third eye
fine poeming

silent lotus


Ornamental

I bought a spoon in Baltistan
and sat by the river, sharpening
my fingers on its edges, cupping

the bowl in the palm of each hand.

Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.



``

for me the single line
has the subtle effect of aiding the image
of the two hands on either side

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4863
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Ornamental

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:21 am

David wrote:I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me. Meant for Delhi.
It leans by the fire now, ladling
heat and light into an alien world.


That's how I'd like it best, Luke. "Ladling" is excellent.

Cheers

David
Hi Luke,
I agree with David. I think that is an excellent poem.

best

mac

1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1480
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental

Post by 1lankest » Tue Apr 17, 2018 6:24 pm

Thanks Lotus, glad you like the image (I do too!) but I'm not sure whether it adds or detracts from the poem's essence, which is the dislocation of a subject/object from its context. The image we like is distracting insofar as it focuses the reader on the narrator instead of the spoon.

Is this kind of what you were thinking David/Mac?

Thanks alot for this, really liking this one now.

L

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4863
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Post by Macavity » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:42 am

hi Luke

Yes, that was my understanding of David's suggestion.

best

mac

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2699
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:49 pm

I like both versions, Luke, but DO see how V2 condenses the imagery to that spoon. Is it a ladle?

I seem to be the only one struggling with 'sharpening my fingers'. Are you referring to the tapering reflection
brought about by the spoon's curve? I know it's not in the revision but I did wonder.

Here's an alternative format. See what you think

Best

JJ

I bought a spoon in Baltistan.
Brass, they told me;
meant for Delhi.

It leans by the fire now,
ladling heat and light
into an alien world.
Long time a child and still a child

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13259
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Post by David » Thu Apr 19, 2018 6:10 pm

Macavity wrote:hi Luke

Yes, that was my understanding of David's suggestion.

best

mac
And mine. That really is an excellent poem, Luke.

Cheers

David

1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1480
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Ornamental (v2)

Post by 1lankest » Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:50 am

Thanks David. I owe you one!

L

Post Reply