South of Ceiwbr (revised)

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South of Ceiwbr (revised)

Postby Macavity » Thu Oct 12, 2017 11:00 pm

Revision

He drives along grass-tufted lanes;
not brave, not trusting: solitude
maps his straying ways.

The cove shelters a seal and pup;
no smugglers, no theatre of men
scripts the fraying waves.



Original


He drives along grass-tufted lanes;
not brave, not trusting: solitude
maps his straying ways.

The cove shelters a seal and pup;
no smugglers, no theatre of men
to fray the collar of days.
Last edited by Macavity on Mon Oct 16, 2017 5:51 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: South of Ceibwr

Postby David » Fri Oct 13, 2017 5:15 pm

Ceibwr doesn't have a a pass, does it? Too good to be true, I suppose.

I like it. The grammatical set-up - unless I misread it, which is quite possible - suggests that it is solitude that is not brave, not trusting. Would this work instead?

He drives along grass-tufted lanes,
not brave, not trusting: solitude
maps his straying ways.


I like the cove very much.

Cheers

David
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Re: South of Ceibwr

Postby Macavity » Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:12 pm

I like it. The grammatical set-up - unless I misread it, which is quite possible - suggests that it is solitude that is not brave, not trusting. Would this work instead?

He drives along grass-tufted lanes,
not brave, not trusting: solitude
maps his straying ways.


Thanks David. The cove can be reached by a walk through old woodland. The cliff walk - not one for a windy day - takes you to the 'witch's cauldron':

http://www.secretearth.com/attractions/ ... ldron-walk

cheers

mac
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Re: South of Ceibwr

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:18 am

Very nice, mac

That walk over the natural bridge and those coves are beautiful to say the least.

No nits from me, although I do see David's adjustment. I was thinking along the same lines,
in so much that solitude brought him to these places rather than bravery or trust.

I also laughed at "The Ceibwr Pass". A troubled spot, I hear. :)

Best

JJ
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Re: South of Ceibwr

Postby Macavity » Sat Oct 14, 2017 7:56 pm

Thank you very much JJ.

I've started a thread on walks if you should be interested.

viewtopic.php?f=19&t=22981

All the best

Mac
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Re: South of Ceiwbr (revised)

Postby 1lankest » Tue Oct 17, 2017 12:40 pm

What a final sentence! Bravo. I know this place, and the solitude.

Do you need 'grass' with tufted? Seems tautological.

Nice series your providing for us, Mac, keep up coming.

L
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Re: South of Ceiwbr (revised)

Postby Macavity » Tue Oct 17, 2017 4:27 pm

:lol: Will do Luke...will have a ponder...always impressed by the determination of grass!

cheers

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Re: South of Ceiwbr (revised)

Postby Firebird » Tue Oct 17, 2017 4:37 pm

Much prefer the revision. Love the final line. It's a very strong piece IMHO. I love the sonics in s1. One of your best.

Cheers,

Tristan


Macavity wrote:Revision

He drives along grass-tufted lanes;
not brave, not trusting: solitude
maps his straying ways.

The cove shelters a seal and pup;
no smugglers, no theatre of men
scripts the fraying waves.



Original


He drives along grass-tufted lanes;
not brave, not trusting: solitude
maps his straying ways.

The cove shelters a seal and pup;
no smugglers, no theatre of men
to fray the collar of days.
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Re: South of Ceiwbr (revised)

Postby Macavity » Tue Oct 17, 2017 4:57 pm

Cheers Tristan. Appreciate the thumbs up on the revision.

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