The Phone Rings

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The Phone Rings

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sun Sep 10, 2017 2:45 pm

     
The phone rings.

Surgery as fire-break,
waiting.

Chemistry as warfare,
waiting.

Burning as therapy,
waiting.

Clean white hospice sheets,
waiting.

The phone rings.
     
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby JJWilliamson » Sun Sep 10, 2017 4:30 pm

Powerful piece, Not

I see this as the progression of treatments for cancer, which ultimately end with that final call.
Hope springs eternal, as we try to be amongst the lucky survivors. Hope brings its own problems.

This is uncannily true and cleverly concise.

NotQuiteSure wrote:     
The phone rings.

Surgery as fire-break,
waiting.

Chemistry as warfare,
waiting.

Burning as therapy, ...Is this radiotherapy? I'm not sure if "burn" is accurate. Looks like burns, though.
waiting.

Clean white hospice sheets,
waiting.

The phone rings.
     


Quite the piece

Best

JJ
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby Macavity » Tue Sep 12, 2017 6:11 am

Hi NQS, I thought the poem translates the brutal realities of treatment; how the mind fills in the spaces while waiting; 'warfare' felt true to the 'call-up'. Would white convey clean? I could relate to the progression in the poem.

best

mac
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby NotQuiteSure » Tue Sep 12, 2017 2:11 pm

     
JJ, mac, thanks very much.
JJWilliamson wrote:uncannily true and cleverly concise

Much appreciated, JJ, though to be fair it is 'simply true',
there's nothing 'uncanny' in reporting.
JJWilliamson wrote:if "burn" is accurate

looks like burns, feel like burns (I'm told) therefore "burning".
It is high energy x-rays after all.
I did toy with repeating 'rings' between each couplet, e.g.
...waiting.
Rings.
Chemistry as warfare...
as that was what I came to dread, but I though it might detract
(through too much repetition); any thoughts?


Thanks mac,
I think you answered my question 'fills in the spaces'.
'white'
yes I think it probably would, but clean conveys a sense of 'unused' (yet) which white alone would not.

Regards, Not
     
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Sat Sep 23, 2017 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby Macavity » Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:20 am

but I though it might detract
(through too much repetition); any thoughts?


I feel it would.

but clean conveys a sense of 'unused' (yet) white white alone would not.


That's the power of Daz! :) You could play with wedding/virgin for less familiar phrasing and more resonance.

wedding white hospice sheets


or maybe reduce the modifier traffic and cut the 'white'...but keep the cold/clinical delivery

clean hospice sheets


best

mac
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby NotQuiteSure » Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:47 pm

     
mac
Macavity wrote:I feel it would

thanks for the confirmation, much appreciated.
I take your point about 'resonance', though I wonder if that too might be distracting
(or a move away from 'concise').
That said, I am tempted by
Macavity wrote:cold

for 'clean'.

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby 1lankest » Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:31 pm

I like it.

Might it have more impact if you drop the 'waiting' line from the last stanza?

Finish on '...hospice sheets,
The phone rings.

Luke
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby 1lankest » Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:32 pm

Also do you need clean and white? Would white alone not suffice?

L
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Re: The Phone Rings

Postby NotQuiteSure » Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:14 pm

     
Thanks Luke
1lankest wrote:Might it have more impact

Perhaps (and it's a fair point), but, as it turned out,
there were a number of hospice stays before the final one,
so there was always waiting. And, I'm reluctant to break the rhythm.
1lankest wrote:do you need clean and white?

I've been having this debate with mac too (see above) and am currently leaning towards 'cold and white'.

Regards, Not.
     
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