Everything's Cool

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Everything's Cool

Postby NotQuiteSure » Wed Aug 09, 2017 4:58 pm

     
Everything's Cool

A refrigerator shudders, rattles,
snaps itself to silence.
A sleeper snores themselves awake

and up, into a soundless awareness
that rings with suspicion;
something amiss. But not so serious

that it requires investigation,
not so troubling
that a light's switched on.

     
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby Firebird » Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:16 pm

I sometimes wonder how much of life is lived on this border between suspecting something is wrong but doing nothing further to investigate it. Not shining the light on things is often easier. Much to like here Not. Some lovely sonics. I like the 's' sound running through it, and the 'i' assonance especially in S2. I love all that the end infers. Some specific comments below.

NotQuiteSure wrote:     
Everything's Cool

A refrigerator shudders, rattles,
snaps itself to silence. (Not quite sure of 'snaps' works here though I know what you mean. 'Jolts' might be better.)
A sleeper snores themselves awake

and up, into a soundless awareness (soundless awareness is good.)
that rings with suspicion; (maybe something about the hare here to make the stanza less telly?)
something amiss. But not so serious (this stanza is very telly)

that it requires investigation,
not so troubling
that a light's switched on. (Great ending)

     


I would prefer a few more images in this piece.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
Last edited by Firebird on Wed Aug 09, 2017 8:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby Arian » Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:44 pm

Very good. I especially like both the sound and the accurate metaphor of 'snaps itself to silence'. OTOH, I stumbled a bit on 'soundless awareness' which strikes me as a tad clunky.

A smoothly delivered piece, though.

Cheers
Peter
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby NotQuiteSure » Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:24 pm

     
Tristan,
thanks for the critique, always helpful - and pleased you found much to like.
Firebird wrote:'snaps'

You know what I mean, I know what I mean, and 'snaps' may not be the best word
but it is the right one...I think
Firebird wrote:telly

I'm not sure how to keep it sufficiently light and avoid telly.
I thought it ('amiss') had a rather cartoonish quality.
(I'd considered 'something's amiss',
but the current version allows for a slight interrogative tone -
if only there was a suitable punctuation mark.)
Firebird wrote:images

I'm in the dark (as it were) as to how this might be accomplished.
Any, ahem, bright ideas?
Firebird wrote:Great ending

Yes, must admit to being pleased with that line.
Firebird wrote:maybe something about the hare

Don't really understand this I'm afraid.

Thanks again.

Regards, Not.
     
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby NotQuiteSure » Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:24 pm

     
Peter,
thanks very much;
particularly about 'snaps', I was beginning to dither and had got as far as 'slaps'.

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby Firebird » Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:15 pm

I'll go with snaps. I think it probably is the best word here.

Images: the hare was my maybe not so bright idea. When a hare pops up out of its burrow it often has this startled awareness about it. Thought you might in some way be able to use this image. If I get anymore ideas I'll let you know.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby NotQuiteSure » Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:00 pm

Thanks Tristan,
understood.
My question now,is, if 'soundless awareness' sends you to 'hare pops up...' then do I need images;
aren't you, as a reader, supplying them? Plus, I've now got meerkats on the brain, which can't be a good thing.

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby Firebird » Thu Aug 10, 2017 6:06 pm

:D
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby Macavity » Fri Aug 11, 2017 2:40 am

A refrigerator shudders, rattles,
snaps itself to silence.


I like that opening. I do feel that 'snaps' conveys this switch from noise to silence. Like the sonic play between snaps/snore. I do think the poem captures the psychology of inaction.

best

mac
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby JJWilliamson » Fri Aug 11, 2017 4:53 am

Interesting poem and thread, Not.

NotQuiteSure wrote:     
Everything's Cool

A refrigerator shudders, rattles,
snaps itself to silence. ...I'm for 'snaps'. It has a suddenness, like a snap decision, that fits.
A sleeper snores themselves awake ...I'm reminded of shake, rattle and roll with 'rattle' and 'awake'. I'm singing it now. :)

and up, into a soundless awareness
that rings with suspicion;
something amiss.

But not so serious
or troubling
that a light's switched on. ...An alternative strophe for your perusal.

     


Enjoyed and know, know, know what this feels like. Nice observation, succinctly rendered.

Best

JJ
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby NotQuiteSure » Fri Aug 11, 2017 1:37 pm

     
(On behalf of the thread) thanks JJ.
JJWilliamson wrote:I'm singing it now.

I feel I should be apologising to someone.
JJWilliamson wrote:alternative strophe

Thanks, always willing to peruse.
I'm reluctant to lose the reluctance to investigate though.
JJWilliamson wrote:Nice observation, succinctly rendered

Much appreciated

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Everything's Cool

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sat Aug 12, 2017 4:51 pm

thanks mac,
Apologies for the slow response.
(Thought I had, turned out I hadn't)
Macavity wrote:I like that opening

Much appreciated, as is the endorsement of snaps.

Regards, Not
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