Moving Out

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Moving Out

Postby Firebird » Wed Jan 11, 2017 10:06 am

V2

Autumn's train pulls in
at an empty platform,
where my breath tries
to fill the air
and my voice echoes.

The next train out
has not been scheduled;
I find a guest house
and from across town
hear my children calling.


V1

Autumn's train pulls in
to an empty platform,
where my breath tries
to fill the air
and my voice echoes.

The next train out
has not been scheduled,
so I find
a nearby guest house
and from across town
hears my children
calling.
Last edited by Firebird on Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Moving Out

Postby Lou » Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:18 pm

Sad. You want "hear" in the penultimate line, don't you? Why not make the second stanza five lines like the first? My suggestion would be:

The next train out
has not been scheduled;
I find a guest house
and from across town
hear my children calling.

Just an idea.

Best,
Lou
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Re: Moving Out

Postby Firebird » Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:02 pm

Lou, I like your five line second stanza and have used it. It is sad, but only imagined, luckily.

Many thanks for helping.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Moving Out

Postby Antcliff » Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:59 pm

Autumn's train pulls in
at an empty platform


I wondered if you could omit "train", so the comparison is implied...by "pulls in" and "empty platform"...rather than stated? Just a thought. (Although I suppose that remove the symmetry of using the word in both stanzas).

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
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Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Moving Out

Postby Firebird » Thu Jan 12, 2017 8:18 am

Thanks for popping by Seth. I'll have a think about your suggestion.

Cheers,

Tristan
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