Mac's Watercolour Attempts January

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Macavity
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Mac's Watercolour Attempts January

Post by Macavity » Wed Jan 08, 2020 10:51 am

tintagel.jpg
tintagel.jpg (23.33 KiB) Viewed 215 times


Tintagel

Her loving voice is like a dripping tap.
Tip-tap, tap-tip, a dripping tap, he twists
so tight the washer snaps. A break is best,
the sea maybe, perhaps a cup of tea?

He drives past hives that brim with honeyed lives,
a winding road along a smugglers' coast
of coves where lovers surf and tickle toes,
in quest to find the castle climbing high.

He waits alone in line behind a girl
who's dressed in summer frock and sunny smile,
and when the waves start whisp'ring Guinevere,
he laughs, for is he not Sir Lancelot?

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Mac's Watercolour Attempts January

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Jan 10, 2020 1:36 pm

.
Hi mac,
not sure what to say about the painting (my failure, not the picture's) beyond its obvious warmth, but it feels a bit empty ... the poem on the other hand ... equally warm, and worth working on, I think.

S2/L1 - I wonder if there was a more poignant version of this line, some way to make 'honeyed lives' more ironic?
He drives past hives, sees honeyed lives
a winding road, the sun-lit smuggler's coast
past coves whe
re ... ?

S2/L4 - 'climbing high' ? - don't know what that means. This seems the only really weak line in the piece. (to where a castle guards the sky ?)

S3 - minor points, but should the 'girl' be married, and was Lancelot?

Her loving voice is like a dripping tap.
Tip-tap, tap-tip, a dripping tap, he twists
so tight the washer snaps. A break is best,
the sea perhaps, somewhere quiet, a cup of tea.

He drives past hives brim full of honeyed lives,
a winding road along a smugglers' coast
past coves where lovers surf and tickle toes,
his quest to find the castle climbing high.

He waits alone in line behind a girl
who's dressed in summer frock and sunny smile,
and when the waves start whisp'ring Guinevere,
he laughs, he's no Sir Lancelot


Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Re: Mac's Watercolour Attempts January

Post by Macavity » Fri Jan 10, 2020 2:15 pm

Thanks Not. It is an old poem that appeared in this now defunct publication:

https://issuu.com/centrifugaleye/docs/tceautumn2013-jeweled/29

Unusually, they made several editorial suggestions, which I ran with.

cheers

mac

David
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Re: Mac's Watercolour Attempts January

Post by David » Sat Jan 11, 2020 8:03 pm

Hi Mac. I like S3. What if you started with that and went on from there? I'd like to find out.

Cheers

David

Macavity
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Re: Mac's Watercolour Attempts January

Post by Macavity » Sun Jan 12, 2020 5:34 am

Thanks David. An old published poem, which I just posted for fun with the pic and hadn't thought of revising. Perhaps it does need a new starting point and direction. Not sure I can write like that anymore, but I'll have a ponder. Hope all is well with you.

best

mac

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