I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Translated any poems lately? If so, then why not post them here?
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cynwulf
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I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Post by cynwulf » Sun Mar 13, 2016 7:19 pm

Вскрыла жилы: неостановимо,
невосстановимо хлещет жизнъ.
Подставляйте миски и тарелки!
Всякая тарелка будет- мелкой,
миска- плоской.

Через край- и мимо
в землю черную, питатъ тростник.
Невозвратно, неостановимо,
невосстановимо хлещет стих.

Literally
I have opened veins: unstoppably,
unrecoverably flows life.
Set under basins and plates!
Every plate will be -shallow,
basin- flat.

Over edge- and past
into earth black to feed reeds.
Irrevocably, unstoppably,
unrecoverably flows poetry.

Free translation 1
I've opened my veins: unstaunchably,
unrecoverably life floods out.
Put bowls and plates beneath!
Every plate will be too shallow,
every bowl too low.

Over the rim -unquenchably
into the black earth, to nourish reeds.
Irrevocably, unstaunchably,
unrecoverably poetry floods out.


Free Translation 2
I've opened my veins: life flows out,
unstoppably, without healing.
Put dishes and plates beneath!
Every plate will be too shallow,
every dish too small.

Brimming over, falling
into the black earth, to feed the grasses.
Irrevocably, without healing,
unstoppably poetry flows out.

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Ros
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Re: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Post by Ros » Sun Mar 13, 2016 9:32 pm

I prefer translation one - unstaunchably feels more irrevocable. All the uns generally are a bit non-poetic - but there is a compelling unstoppableness to it.

Relentlessness! that's the word I was looking for.

Ros
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Re: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Post by cynwulf » Thu Mar 17, 2016 10:16 am

Thanks, Ros. So do I, keeps her rhyme scheme better than 2, and some (only a bit) of her sound play, all the real art is mostly gone in both tho. The uns are there by T's design ('ne'.. in the Russian), as also the adverb overload. Tried irre... alternatives, but they gave too academic a feel, but couldn't avoid 'irrevocably'...... Yes, relentlessly relentless.
Best, c.

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Re: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Post by Antcliff » Sun Mar 20, 2016 2:09 pm

I think I am voting for the first as well. "Flows" seems slightly more credible than "floods" and I think I like "feed reeds". Is that intended to suggest a comparison with ink feeding a quill?

Always enjoy these translations, C
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Post by David » Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:13 pm

No. 1 for me too. Although I'd rather see "flat" than "low".
Antcliff wrote:Always enjoy these translations, C
Me too.

Cheers

David

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Re: I've opened my veins-Tsvetaeva

Post by cynwulf » Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:14 pm

Thank you, Gentlemen, for your kind words, very encouraging.
Yes, Seth, 'flows' is better than 'floods', feeds reeds had too much assonance for me- though 'feeds' is in a more appropriate register than 'nourish' . I think you're right about this image, all part of the extended metaphor.
'Flat' is a better describer, David, but I felt it too abrupt, almost staccatto, 'low' seemed more euphonious and fits with T's rhyming in the 2 lines ending s1-melkoi-ploskoi, I've still lost her sound play in these lines- ....-melkoi, miska-ploskoi.
Thanks again for taking the time to read this and comment.
regards,c.

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