By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Translated any poems lately? If so, then why not post them here?
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Lake
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By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Lake » Thu Dec 19, 2013 8:04 pm

竹林边
南北

竹林边
总会有一些故事发生
一只蓝蜻蜓
爱上了朝阳中自己的影子
一行野猪的蹄印
说明昨夜
这里有不速之客造访

而溪水淙淙
一只山鸡拍动翅膀
将叫声抖落在对面的山坡上
一个提桶的女人
悄悄走向
竹影波光的小水塘

Edit


By the Bamboo Grove

By the bamboo grove
there are always stories happening –
a blue dragonfly
falls in love with its shadow in the rising sun
a trace of wild boar tracks
tells of an unexpected guest
who came to visit last night

as the stream gurgles
a berghaan flaps its wings
shaking off its calls onto the opposite hillside
a woman carrying a pail
walks quietly to
the little pond dappled with
bamboo shadow and wave light

Original

By the Bamboo Grove

By the bamboo grove
there are always stories happening –
a blue dragonfly
falls in love with its shadow in the rising sun
a trace of hoof prints of wild boars
tells an unexpected guest
came to visit last night

as the stream gurgles
a berghaan flaps its wings
shaking off its calls onto the opposite hillside
a woman carrying a pail
walks quietly to
the little pond dappled with
bamboo shadows and light of waves
Last edited by Lake on Wed Jan 08, 2014 12:34 am, edited 3 times in total.
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twoleftfeet
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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Dec 20, 2013 11:52 am

Hi, Lake

This is a charming piece.


a trace of hoof prints of wild boars

I think this could be simplified as
a trace of wild boar tracks

tells an unexpected guest
came to visit last night


- if this were normal speech I would say "tells me/us/you (that) an unexpected guest came to visit last night"
"that" is optional, of course.
Here, I'd be inclined to refer back to "stories" in L1.
tells/speaks of an unexpected guest
who came to visit last night


In the final line I'd go for -
bamboo shadow and the light of waves

You could also have
bamboo shadows and the light of waves
bamboo shadow and wave light

See what others have to say

Geoff
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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by David » Fri Dec 20, 2013 11:57 am

Lovely, Lake!

Grammar and spelling corner - its, pail.

Aesthetics corner - I think it's beautiful. (Charming is a good word for it too, and Geoff's suggestions seem very helpful.)

Cheers

David

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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Antcliff » Fri Dec 20, 2013 2:50 pm

Yes, lovely!

We have blue damselflies by the loch where I live, Lake (Loch). Seeing them is always a highlight. This poem took me back to summer..on an otherwise cold day. Thank you!

Another highlight for me was "falls in love with its shadow".

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Lake » Fri Dec 20, 2013 10:15 pm

Hi Geoff,

Great suggestions! The lines you put your thoughts in are the places I struggled while translating.
twoleftfeet wrote:
a trace of hoof prints of wild boars

I think this could be simplified as
a trace of wild boar tracks
Yes, simplify it. I thought it was a bit clumsy, too.
twoleftfeet wrote: tells an unexpected guest
came to visit last night


- if this were normal speech I would say "tells me/us/you (that) an unexpected guest came to visit last night"
"that" is optional, of course.
Here, I'd be inclined to refer back to "stories" in L1.
tells/speaks of an unexpected guest
who came to visit last night
I like the idea of referring back to L1.
twoleftfeet wrote: In the final line I'd go for -
bamboo shadow and the light of waves

You could also have
bamboo shadows and the light of waves
bamboo shadow and wave light
If "bamboo shadow and wave light" works, I'll stick to it since it was my original thought.

You always hit the right nail on the head.

Many thanks!

Lake
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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Lake » Fri Dec 20, 2013 10:21 pm

Hi David,

How could I spell that word wrong! Well, it is not spelled wrong, it is used in the wrong place. :oops:
Thank you for pointing it out and glad you liked it.

Hi Seth,

I liked that phrase, too.
Thank you for the two words you showed me - damselfly and Loch. :D

Merry Christmas to you all!

Lake
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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Antcliff » Sat Dec 21, 2013 2:18 pm

And thanks for introducing me to the Beerghan. I did not know of it.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Jackie » Mon Jan 06, 2014 12:14 pm

This is magical. I wish I knew what the Chinese poem said in each line, but I do love this poem.

The word it's still needs to be corrected to its.

Jackie

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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Lake » Wed Jan 08, 2014 12:33 am

Jackie,

Good eye. How could I have missed it? I'll have it corrected. Glad you liked it.

Thanks,
Lake
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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by oggiesnr » Fri Jan 31, 2014 10:14 pm

Lake,

I like this but do you need the "happening" at the end of l2? I like the economy of the rest of the line and I'm not sure "happening" adds anything.

Steve

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Re: By the Bamboo Grove (Nanbei)

Post by Lake » Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:11 pm

Thanks Steve for your read.

"happening", that's in the original. If it doesn't add anything in the English version, I should not keep myself too close to the original. Brendan has set up a good example for me in his translation.

Thank you.

Lake
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