Entre Nous

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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sneaker
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Entre Nous

Post by sneaker » Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:03 pm

A little voice,
a tiny smile
anticipation breathes its’ sigh.
A little closer,
I shouldn’t say,
I only heard a ghost today.
A phantom tale,
I’ll tell to you and
you repeat 'till ghosts turn true.
Over innocent cups and empty plates.
A little more, the tale elates
and with the telling
moves along and growing,
spreads it’s germ among
infected voices.
Tainted tongues.
Excitement, truth
(it is of course)
repeated fables must have source.
We knew, they say
(It’s no surprise)
And twisted mouths
twist deeper lies.
A little tale,
a tiny life.
Discussed, dissected, vilified.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. " M.Jagger

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Danté
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Re: Entre Nous

Post by Danté » Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:50 pm

Hi Sneaker

There is a lot going on here.

A little voice,
a tiny smile
anticipation breathes its’ sigh.
A little closer,
I shouldn’t say,
I only heard a ghost today.

I rather like this beginning. At first glance I was not sure about all the a and I placements but after reading aloud a few times it seems fine.

A phantom tale,
I’ll tell to you and
you repeat 'till ghosts turn true.
Over innocent cups and empty plates.

I think maybe the line breaks could be revised here.

Maybe like this.

A phantom tale,
I’ll tell to you
and you repeat 'till ghosts turn true.
Over innocent cups
and empty plates.

The remainder of the poem and this is only my humble opinion. Could do with a little more indication of what the message is. Also not quite sure if the tense used in “We knew” would read better as present tense.

Some good contrast within the lines, infected, innocent, tainted, truth. Dark can only be as dark as the light that it is compared to.

A little work to clarify and help the reader gain better understanding would be very worthwhile.

Many thanks for the read

Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch

brianedwards
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Re: Entre Nous

Post by brianedwards » Sat Jul 26, 2008 7:21 am

Hi sneaker

I agree with Dante. Although there is definitely some interesting things going on here, it's difficult for the reader to get inside the poem.
I don't mind if thepoem has a "message" or not, but I need a way in.
One exercise that works for me sometimes, is to consider what my theme or story is and just flesh it out in very simple language. Avoid trying to be too "poetic". Certainly avoid figurative or absract terms. Then try to expand the ideas with images. Again, simply at first and avoiding abstract terms.
The strength of your poem as it is, for me, lies in the simple images you show (the voices, smiles, cups and plates). Building on these strengths might help you unearth what could be a very intersting poem.

I look forward to seeing what you do with this.

B.

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sneaker
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Re: Entre Nous

Post by sneaker » Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:13 am

Hi Brian and Danté,
thanks for your help with this one. I was aware that it was still a bit messy and needs more work , though I quite like the speed it races along with (in the way that gossip spreads) and I don't want too lose that. I'll have another look bearing in mind your suggestions,
Cheers,
Sneaker
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. " M.Jagger

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