eats leaves

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TDF
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eats leaves

Post by TDF » Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:29 pm

Since the lack of punctuation in my haikus has been a point raised in a few crits I've recieved, I thought I would embark on a little series of poems to try and explore my reasoning further. So here is...

eats leaves

twisted homage to
Lynne Truss ambiguity
will write these haikus

interpretation
affected by the absence
of punctuation


life

new born miracle
one of God's cruel ironies
tastes good with mint sauce

with a single step
each journey starts a new one
leading to another

as it happens life
is rather bland vanilla
becomes tiresome

love

frigid midnight calls
the wolf keeps the moon captive
escapes for the dawn

what force holds me here
I wish I could say my love
yet here I am still

you told me a lie
I did not want to believe that
love is a mugs game

death

it is a construct
for those afraid of losing
this thing called win

forever you swim
mindless the tide controls you
don't take it to heart

find heaven in death
I certainly couldn't say
no pearly gates here


Thoughts greatly welcomed. Cheers.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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barrie
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Re: eats leaves

Post by barrie » Thu May 01, 2008 9:04 am

Some good stuff here Tom. You could worse than reading up on haiku, there are some good sites. I also think that you could free yourself from the restriction of the 5-7-5 form - Japanese uses sound units which don't exactly correspond to syllables. Besides, I don't think even Basho always stuck to the rigid form - haiku's about capturing a moment.
There's a wealth of Chinese and Japanese poetry on the web, more than enough to give you the feel for it.

BTW - I like your continuation of the single step.

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

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Re: eats leaves

Post by TDF » Thu May 01, 2008 10:54 am

Cheers barrie.

Yeah I read a lot of Haikus, I like the format a lot. And yeah I know the format can be flexible and the western style doesnt really work in the same way the Japanese ones do - I just decided upon a set of rules, and for once am trying to stick to them.
I'm using this structure in an attempt to really filter down my work - the limitations really focus me. But my plan is to slowly drift from the rigidity to a more flexible approuch when I feel I am ready. Workshop approuch I guess.

Having said that, as a private project, I am also planning to write 1000 haikus to be written on 1000 paper cranes... hopefully then my wish will come true.

Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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barrie
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Re: eats leaves

Post by barrie » Thu May 01, 2008 11:45 am

I have seen an improvement in your poetry - it doesn't go unnoticed. It's good to see.

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

ray miller
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Re: eats leaves

Post by ray miller » Thu May 01, 2008 1:14 pm

Hello Tom, I know next to nothing about haikus or what has been said of your lack of punctuation, it makes the reader work harder doesn't it and allows greater rein to the imagination? No bad thing, and I think your lines interpretation
affected by the absence
of punctuation
are mighty impressive. For some reason I can't really explain, the phrase, "mug's game" sticks out like a sore thumb, a thorn amongst roses. If you had one thousand paperweights those paper cranes could prove useful as well as decorative. Best wishes, Ray
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: eats leaves

Post by TDF » Thu May 01, 2008 1:24 pm

Thanks ray.

You are right it makes the reader have to work harder, so I appreciate this series of poems won't be for everyone, but a fun experience and challenge for me all the same.

As for 'mugs game'. In this context, a mug is a slang term for a gullible fool or a sucker.

Cheers for your thoughts.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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Re: eats leaves

Post by arunansu » Wed May 21, 2008 10:15 am

Never wrote Haikus myself, TDF, cannot provide you with a critic. I just loved the images here. Specially:
"new born miracle
one of God's cruel ironies
tastes good with mint sauce

with a single step
each journey starts a new one
leading to another

as it happens life
is rather bland vanilla
becomes tiresome" - lovely.

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Re: eats leaves

Post by TDF » Wed May 21, 2008 5:05 pm

cheers aru,

I'll take a compliment as a crit any day! ;)

Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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Re: eats leaves

Post by Milu » Wed May 21, 2008 5:33 pm

Ugh...I'm terrible at haikus...the best advice I can give is from a reader's perspective:
new born miracle
one of God's cruel ironies
tastes good with mint sauce

with a single step
each journey starts a new one
leading to another

as it happens life
is rather bland vanilla
becomes tiresome
I think that if you put stanza three after stanza one it would follow more naturally, since both are talking about tastes.

I donno about separating sections of life and death and love *random crazy thoughts on structure*. Seems like in life they should be mixed together and not separated and categorized. Life death and love are all chaotic elements, so it seems to defy their nature by making them organized.

I really like what you did here. I look forward to reading the other thousand you write.
"As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naïve and simple hearted then we may suppose. And we ourselves are, too."
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]

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Re: eats leaves

Post by TDF » Wed May 21, 2008 5:43 pm

hey Milu,

Good thoughts there, mate thanks.

If I'm honest about the overall structure and categories... they were just pretty arbitrary really. I was just writing poems that played with where the punctuation could be placed and hence how it could be interpreted. Then I just stuck them together in a half-arsed way that made half-sense. The intention is to do a whole series around the punctuation idea.

Although not all 1000 will be like this!
Cheers,
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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Re: eats leaves

Post by Lake » Fri May 23, 2008 4:07 am

Hi TDF,

I only had a little problem with the lack of punctuation in this

as it happens life
is rather bland vanilla
becomes tiresome


But it didn't take me too long to figure out. So I don't think punctuation is a problem.

Barrie said well about the from and the moment in Haiku. By the way, can we get rid of the restriction of 5/7/5 in the haiku train?

Looking forward to your 1000 haiku.

Lake

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