Stuffed Love

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dl04
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Stuffed Love

Post by dl04 » Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:20 pm

Mail is stacked in the kitchen,
but noone gets to read.
The dinner plates are all out in their finery
but the table is gone.

His mother,the near cripple
always open the blinds,
but he likes them closed
to outfox the neighbours

Still they'll always talk.

Lined up on the shelf
he has teddy-bears
with promises of stuffed love,
that old lady mutterings stifle.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'

-Joni Mitchell

TDF
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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by TDF » Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:38 pm

Hi dl,

Enjoyed this more as I read through it, and re-read it. Certainly some nice ideas and images, got a clear image of a young/ill/over-mothered/mentallyill/abused child here. There was a sense of maturity to him somehow which, combined with the bears, certainly points me towards him being mentally ill in some way.

a few specifics:
Mail is stacked in the kitchen,
but noone gets to read.
- I think you could lose the 'is' and swap the 'but' for a 'that'.

The dinner plates are all out in their finery - love the word finery and the image, but think the line reads a little clumsily.

His mother,the near cripple - Didn't really feel the need for 'the near cripple', didn't add anything for me.

Still they'll always talk. I'm not decided if this lineis necessary really. I wonder if a slightly tweaked previous line could be used instead to include the idea of spying.

he has teddy-bears
with promises of stuffed love,
- really enjoyed this idea. Not sure if it's original, but I loved it allthe same.

that old lady mutterings stifle. - again I like the language and image, but think it is expressed clumsily.

I think this poem could be something really quite nice with a little tweaking/refining.
cheers,
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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barrie
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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by barrie » Thu May 01, 2008 9:17 am

A couple of things -

but noone gets to read. - none?

that old lady mutterings stifle - I guess you don't want use old lady's mutterings (genitive case) here. Maybe you could hyphenate old-lady to make it clear that it's an adjective and not a typo.

that old-lady mutterings stifle.

If you keep coming up with stuff like this, maybe you should try moving to Experienced.

good one

Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......

David
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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by David » Thu May 01, 2008 7:19 pm

It is a good one, dl. Just a couple of suggestions ...

The dinner plates are all out in their finery seems a little long. Can you make it shorter, maybe doing something with "the best plates" (or "china")?

That last line is a puzzler. Something needs to be done there.

But I agree with Barrie, you wouldn't be out of place in Experienced at this rate.

Cheers

David

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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by Travis » Thu May 01, 2008 8:55 pm

I have a different take on nooooooooone - no one?

I'd go like this:

Mail is stacked in the kitchen
but no one gets to read.
The dinner plates are all out
but the table is gone.

His mother, the near cripple
always open (openS/openED) the blinds,
but he likes them closed
to outfox the neighbours.

Still, they'll always talk.

Lined up on the shelf
he has teddy-bears,
with promises of stuffed love
that old lady mutterings stifle.


I'd go for a more comprehensive overhaul, but whatever.

One note, using "likes" would typically only work if you left the line at say, "but he likes them closed". Because you go on with "to outfox the neighbours", it would probably be better if not..............proper..............to use something like, "keeps". However, I like likes.

Is outfox one word?

ray miller
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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by ray miller » Thu May 01, 2008 10:10 pm

Hi, I got the impression that the poem was about someone physically disabled but with a fully active and sound mind and the dilemmas which ensue. It would be interesting to know what is intended by "near cripple".
Wouldn't the third line read better as
The dinner plates are out in all their finery?
L ast line I also find clumsy and confusing but the overall effect is good, leaving just enough to the imagination.
Best wishes, Ray
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by atwood_woolf » Fri May 02, 2008 7:42 pm

I like this poem, it seems to create a really definite picture of a handicapped life for both the mother and what i am presuming is her son. It creates a good atmosphere, and my only suggestion would be to perhaps lengthen it further, although i guess that could dillute the intensity of it.

:)

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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by arunansu » Sat May 03, 2008 11:56 am

I join the other critics in praise.

"but he likes them closed
to outfox the neighbours" - why would the son try to "outfox" the neighbours? Not clear.

"Still they'll always talk."- of his inability? Whats the use of closing the blinds then?

Other than that, the pictures are quite clear.
Cheers.

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Re: Stuffed Love

Post by Elphin » Tue May 06, 2008 10:10 am

nice one dl

Nothing to add to the other crits - they are spot on. l3 in particular needs a look at but keep finery - its a great word and perfect for the scene I am imagining

elphin

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