I'm glad you've lived

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Brotherfergus
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I'm glad you've lived

Post by Brotherfergus » Tue Apr 22, 2008 6:09 pm

She caught herself
in the reflection of my eyes
as I stood staring
through the diner window.

Her blue rinsed curls
lay in symmetry
to the grease stained magnolia
that clothes the wall behind.

Her copious contours
took lead and
cast her face with shame
as she placed down her pie
and I mouthed
“I’m glad you’ve lived”
then passed her by.
Last edited by Brotherfergus on Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"The poet becomes a seer through a long, immense, and reasoned derangement of all the senses." - Arthur Rimbaud

Lake
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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by Lake » Tue Apr 22, 2008 7:58 pm

Hi Brotherfergus ,

I think it is a well depicted portrait. "I'm glad you've lived" sounds poignant to me.

I am not quite sure about the word 'slave' in that slaved the wall behind. Does it mean the magnolia leans against the wall for support?

as she place down her pie Does 'place' need a 'd' at the end?

Thanks for the read,

Lake

Cryptic Cadence
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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by Cryptic Cadence » Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:44 am

Hey fungus,

Pretty nice poem you got here. Some lovely lines here, like:

"She caught herself in the reflection of my eyes"

And my friend here points out, that perhaps the word should be 'contrast' not 'symmetry' ? Since you are comparing some colours. Not sure of the second paragraph entirely, but it sounds like some incident where you made fun of a fat woman.

arunansu
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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by arunansu » Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:09 pm

Dear Bro,
S1 is excellent. I would have changed S2 to :

"Her blue rinsed curls
lay in contrast
to the grease stained magnolia
on the wall behind."

I liked the words "I’m glad you’ve lived". The ending is good. Nice write.

TDF
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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by TDF » Wed Apr 23, 2008 5:15 pm

Interesting one this BF.

I can't work out if it is spiteful/mean or genuine, and I kinda like that about it.

As has been said there are some nice lines in there. S2 has some great images and phrasing I think. Really liked 'copious contours' too.

good one!
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words

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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by Elphin » Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:14 pm

Bf

Much prefer this style to your untitled piece. Like tom said the ambiguity is interesting and the title phrase eye catching.

A couple of awkward phrases - that slaves the wall behind and took lead. Is there a the missing in the last phrase?

Persevere with this style for a while and I think you can make some real progress - IMO the untitled piece is overly ambitious right now.

elphin

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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by Sandbanx » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:32 am

I love the title.

Great poem, although the word 'slave' tripped me up for a moment. Beyond that, I can't criticize it. Nicely done.
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens

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stuartryder
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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by stuartryder » Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:31 pm

It's not bad this, but I think you should find more original images for an old woman than blue rinses and magnolia paint.

Stuart

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Re: I'm glad you've lived

Post by ray miller » Thu Apr 24, 2008 1:04 pm

To me it reads a little envious and spiteful even, at least the final verse. Fat lady in a diner eating a pie-why the shamed face? First two verses I like but should it not be symmetry with rather than to?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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