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New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Shepherdess
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hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Post by Shepherdess » Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:54 am

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :x
Last edited by Shepherdess on Wed Oct 24, 2007 7:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

kozmikdave
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Post by kozmikdave » Sat Oct 21, 2006 11:59 pm

Gidday Karen

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence....


Got the feeling this was an attempt to recreate something similar to Desiderata. Not a bad motive at all. All good advice.

The poem has some obvious problems, like using THY inconsistently (what was the need to use it at all?) Actually, the language is an awkward mixture of KJV and modern pentecostalism, with accompanying cliches.

With something of this nature, I would expect some advice about being joyful as well, but this seems to concentrate on burdens and sacrifice. I felt the cross bearing down as I read it. Hopefully not the idea.

I understood the clever idea of using FORGIVE as FOUR in the final lines

One cross
Two loves
Three nails
Forgiven


but I was not sure why you chose TWO LOVES or THREE NAILS. Call me thick! Christian apologetics dictates FOUR LOVES and I'm guessing the THREE NAILS refer to one each hand and one for the two feet of Christ on the cross. You really need to nail the last bit down better (pardon the pun).

I think you have written much better than this, and with a fair bit of work, you could make this into something better, but at the moment it is not doing a lot for me.

Cheers
Dave
Cheers
Dave

"And I'm lost, and I'm lost
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
I'm handcuffed to the bishop and the barbershop liar
I'm lost at the bottom of the world
"
[Tom]

Charles
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Post by Charles » Sun Dec 10, 2006 6:15 pm

"Two Loves" has been used in Christian writing to refer in a mystical sense to the two great commandments - Love God and Love thy Neighbour. It is what you're referring to?

I like it, but I do feel you haven't quite got a coherent style down.

"Good, bad or even ugly" is rather colloquial and especially doesn't really fit with the use of "thy". That line kinda jangles for me.

And yes, the use of thy seems a bit odd, especially in "Play to thy strengths" - don't really see what's to gain from inserting an older word into a modern cliche.

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