kozmikdave wrote:Gidday Robert
I liked the idea of linking each verse with the next. It had a toy train effect for me. I kept thinking Dr Seuss or similar but some of the language was not all that easy. Eg brachiating, votes his cloture. (Looked it up - "cloture" in French - barrier for fish.)
I'm always getting into trouble for rhythm, so this next beef is odd for me, but the rhythm keeps changing. Sometimes it works really well, then you have to get that extra-long word in there so rhythm is abandoned. You have gone to some trouble to find internally rhyming phrases too, but again it has been inconsistent.
I would like to see you take a lot more time to develop this one as it is a great idea and a nice structure. The message is good and the flow works a lot of the time. I'd go with the internal rhyme and sing-songy rhythm but don't complicate it. Write it for your kids/grandkids. That's my two bob's worth. Hope this doesn't sound too negative.
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