Monkeys In The Forest

[RobertFlorey]

Swinging, clinging, brachiating monkey,
chattering, nattering, making easy flow
from this fruit to that fruit, acacia pod junky.
Pay attention buddy there are apes down below.

Chimpanzees all hunting in a pack,
they round up the monkeys like shepards.
Some in front and others in back ,
but watch out chimps, I see a leopard.


The leopard hunts solo and often in the dark -
if she sees a lone chimp, she'll leap.
She's creeping up now in the wildlife park;
heads up cat, I see a man in a jeep.

The man in the jeep has a big bad gun,
it has a big bad reach and it kills on the cheap.
He's standing in the back and he's havin' him some fun,
if I were you, leopard, I'd be off on the run.

Here comes a warden and he spies the encroacher,
it's lucky there's still light enough for seeing.
He's got the drop on the poacher and votes his cloture,
and keeps the crook from fighting or fleeing.

The poacher didn't stay, he knew who to pay,
there would be no day in court for him.
You could find him at the tavern the very next day
looking happy; but the world looked grimmer.

Well the world didn't look and the world went 'round ,
and homo sap stayed the cream of the stew.
We're the dangerous ones and we are danger bound.
Don't bother looking back Jack: it's you.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Robert

I liked the idea of linking each verse with the next. It had a toy train effect for me. I kept thinking Dr Seuss or similar but some of the language was not all that easy. Eg brachiating, votes his cloture. (Looked it up - "cloture" in French - barrier for fish.)

I'm always getting into trouble for rhythm, so this next beef is odd for me, but the rhythm keeps changing. Sometimes it works really well, then you have to get that extra-long word in there so rhythm is abandoned. You have gone to some trouble to find internally rhyming phrases too, but again it has been inconsistent.

I would like to see you take a lot more time to develop this one as it is a great idea and a nice structure. The message is good and the flow works a lot of the time. I'd go with the internal rhyme and sing-songy rhythm but don't complicate it. Write it for your kids/grandkids. That's my two bob's worth. Hope this doesn't sound too negative.

Cheers
Dave

[RobertFlorey]

Gidday Robert

I liked the idea of linking each verse with the next. It had a toy train effect for me. I kept thinking Dr Seuss or similar but some of the language was not all that easy. Eg brachiating, votes his cloture. (Looked it up - "cloture" in French - barrier for fish.)

I'm always getting into trouble for rhythm, so this next beef is odd for me, but the rhythm keeps changing. Sometimes it works really well, then you have to get that extra-long word in there so rhythm is abandoned. You have gone to some trouble to find internally rhyming phrases too, but again it has been inconsistent.

I would like to see you take a lot more time to develop this one as it is a great idea and a nice structure. The message is good and the flow works a lot of the time. I'd go with the internal rhyme and sing-songy rhythm but don't complicate it. Write it for your kids/grandkids. That's my two bob's worth. Hope this doesn't sound too negative.

Cheers
Dave

No it doesn't sound too negative. I am embarrased to say that
I spent no time at all on internal rhyme, I have to work hard to
not write internal rhyme.

I do, it's true, also tend to make structure as I go. But don't think
that I haven't re-written this twenty or so times, checking out
everything I can. (Incidentally, the 'cloture' I had in mind is:


"cloture - The only procedure by which the Senate can vote to place a time limit on consideration of a bill or other matter, and thereby overcome a filibuster. Under the cloture rule (Rule XXII), the Senate may limit consideration of a pending matter to 30 additional hours, but only by vote of three-fifths of the full Senate, normally 60 votes."
(from the U.S. Senate).

I used it in the poem to mean to put a stop.

Since I've gone over the rhythm, and know how to read it
so it doesn't stick, it would be a really tremendous favor if
you could point out to me just where and how it falls apart
for you. Otherwise I won't know where to look.

Thanks a whole bunch!

[kozmikdave]

Gidday mate

I have been working on this a little. I started by counting the syllables.

10, 11, 12, 12
9, 9, 8, 9
12' 8, 10, 10
10, 12, 13, 12
12, 11, 13, 10
11, 9, 13, 10
11, 10, 12, 9

It reminds me of my wife's packing. (Not being sexist here - it's true!)

At this stage, try pulling out all the unnecessary words coz you can always rebuild.

I'll break down the fist verse a bit

Swinging, clinging, brachiating monkey,

I like all the words used but not the order unless I sing them in a childish playground chant. Would you consider swapping them around to

Brachiating monkey - swinging, clinging

chattering, nattering, making easy flow

I like "chattering, nattering" but the rest of the line doesn't flow

I also want "browsing" in there to describe what they are doing.

WYC "chattering, nattering, dah-dah-dah browsing"

from this fruit to that fruit, acacia pod junky.

Most of this line is now redundant but "junky" was a good rhyme for monkey so I would be trying to use it for internal rhyme.
I wasn't fussed on acacia pods. Whatever happened to bananas, peanuts, etc.? You are probably correct about monkey diet but it doesn't sit easy for me. I have no suggestions for a line there now that it is all but on my cutting room floor.

Pay attention buddy there are apes down below.

"Look out" drops a couple of syllables. "Pay attention" reminds me of a classroom. Not sure monkeys have much of an attention span. I might get rid of "down" from "down below" (After this response you will be writing "Look out little monkey, there are fuckwits down under.")

I wouldn't want to deprive you of the pleasure of breaking it down, stripping it back and rebuilding it, so I will stop here and hope you get what I was on about.

You started with some really good descriptive words for monkeys, you will try to do the same for chimps, leopards, etc., won't you?

Hope I haven't stuffed your day - I'm only spending this much time on it coz I think its worth it.

Cheers
Dave