The fight

[the stranger]

Fetid feelings at dawn;
Roused by coughing cars
and moon-sun,
far-flung tittle-tattle
and wretched birds
lost in song.
With sweaty palms
I stand my hair on end –
study a cracked ceiling:
Plot small journeys
through intricate furrows
of Victorian architect,
follow it down Edwardian
smudges, to Lizzies crap
floor-boardian intellect.
Lost in times, I weaken.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

I quite like the feel of this.

and retched birds - did you mean "wretched"?


The Edwardian/floor-boardian rhyme really grabbed me. It's outrageous - well done!

Thought Victorian architect needed a further ure but then it loses its rhythm.

Thanks
Dave

[the stranger]

Thanks Dave, appreciated.

I did indeed mean wretched will change that.

[Globus]

Fetid feelings at dawn;
Roused by coughing cars
I'm not sure about the alliteration of 'fetid feelings' or 'coughing cars'; they feel forced but the image and sense you're conveying is good.
and moon-sun,
far-flung tittle-tattle
and wretched birds
lost in song.
The switch to a stacatto rhythm works pretty well, and lifts nicely at the end with 'lost in song'. However, I dont know what you mean by 'moon-sun'. Using 'and' before the birds suggests the tittle tatle is not theirs, so I cant get any context for who or what you are referring to.
With sweaty palms
I stand my hair on end –
study a cracked ceiling:
'Sweaty palms' is too cliched, but i really like the play on cliche in the next line.
Plot small journeys
through intricate furrows
of Victorian architect,
follow it down Edwardian
smudges, to Lizzies crap
floor-boardian intellect.
This runs together pretty nicely. Could maybe reduce the movement of your eye and enhance the imagery to try and really convey the feeling of those different periods? Need a ' in Lizzies.
Lost in times, I weaken.
The line doesnt really do justice to the situation you've established so far. I'd lose it and try and resolve some of the themes and images from earlier .

Cheers for posting though - i enjoyed it

[the stranger]

Thanks Globus,

I didn't find the alliteration forced - but each to their own.

moon-sun relates to the confusion of waking and not knowing what time or day it is. When I was younger I was often confused by the moon and the sun.

the tittle tattle is not theirs - no it isn't. Does it matter who's it is?

'Sweaty palms' is too cliched - yeh perhaps so.

"Lost in times, I weaken". The line doesnt really do justice to the situation you've established so far.

What situation have I established that isn't done justice?

Thanks for your careful read I'll ponder your advice.

[Globus]

Hi Stranger.

Most of the poem creates a quite specific scene and uses strong images. My comments about moon-sun, tittle tattle and the last line are saying similar things; I feel they lose some of the sharpness you've created.

With moon-sun I wasn't sure whether both were in the sky or they were in the process of switching over. I hadn't thought it could refer to a confusion about which the narrator was seeing. Some people are very keen on everything being laid out and clear, but I quite like space for the reader to use their imagination. However, here I find it sits oddly because the rest is strong and visual; it makes the poem lose pace.

Getting 'lost in times' grows out of the previous lines, but “I weaken” didn’t tell me anything. You’ve already described them as fetid in the first line; the character sounds weakened to me already. Why does the reflection on time add further weakness? Is it linked to Lizzie? A sense of futility? Frustration at generations of poor interior design? (joke…)

I don’t mind things being left unresolved, or being left with questions, but I think you can leave the reader with a better question, if that makes sense.

Hope you don’t feel I’m being negative; it’s only because I think the poem’s worth working on.

[the stranger]

Hope you don’t feel I’m being negative;

No not at all, you make some valid comments. Appreciated.

cheers
TS

[Shepherdess]

Hi
Unlike others I liked the alliteration and the imagery
I found it made me think about where you were and what you were thinking - and making people think is Good
Well done
Thank you for sharing

[RobertFlorey]

Fetid feelings at dawn;
Roused by coughing cars
and moon-sun,
far-flung tittle-tattle
and wretched birds
lost in song.
With sweaty palms
I stand my hair on end –
study a cracked ceiling:
Plot small journeys
through intricate furrows
of Victorian architect,
follow it down Edwardian
smudges, to Lizzies crap
floor-boardian intellect.
Lost in times, I weaken.

Well, I'm going to have to trash this 'poem'.
Meaning, I want you to realize how embarrasing it is,
throw it in the trash, (but don't crumple it for God's sake),
disown any copyright you have, and then give me a shout,
so I can steal, I mean, remove it for you.

I hope you haven't signed it in indelible ink. Oh, wait, never mind
I can just copy it over anyways.

This might be the best thing I've read in a week. Very fresh,
very moving-along, full of clever tropes, sweet story well
told, compelling rhythm, I couldn't ask for more.