Spring

[benjywenjy]

Spring

Tantalisingly, trembling, the shoots erupt
From an earthy incubator they disrupt,
Green fingers, upwards, onwards to the sun,
The world holds it breath in excitement,

From death they’ve come, those that will not die,
From ashes to ashes, Dust to dust,
Cyclical miracle, humble, fragile,
Givers of life, cellulose Jesus,

The playgrounds fill, metal testing grounds,
To return late, dirty and tired,
Time for adventures, fun and new finds,
The children mimic nature, growing upwards and onwards,

At school, the promise of shining summer
Holidays, ice-cream, world cup, shorts and swimming,
Schools ablaze with dreams of summer freedom,
Floating upwards to mingle with the brilliant blue canopy,

once again their's parts I like, but a lot of it is naff. Any help, recomendations or explanations on where I'm going wrong would be great

benjy

[pseud]

Well, a couple of things I notice -

First, you may want to steer away from starting a poem on "tantalising" or anything like that. The poet wants to tantalize the audience, instead of telling them to be tantalized.

Also, "disrupt" is totally out of place. I'd just choose another word but if you'd like to keep the rhyme you could have "disrupt" and "erupt" switch places.

these lines seemed cliche:

The world holds it breath in excitement,
From ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, (biblical, but cliche)
Givers of life

these lines or line-parts were very well done, though:

Green fingers, upwards, onwards to the sun
cellulose Jesus
The children mimic nature
metal testing grounds
Floating upwards to mingle with the brilliant blue canopy

Perhaps this matches up with what you did and didn't like?

Maybe what is needed is to steer clear of something list-like. It seems you just list adjectives, or what the kids do...there is no story or argument presented, so it reads more like a recipe for a poem than a poem. To me. Those lines above are good though, this has potential.

Good luck with this,

- Caleb

[mick]

Loved the second verse - especially the cellulose Jesus, but was thrown at the third with metal testing grounds (the sudden transition from nature to man-made). Apart from that, I really enjoyed it. Maybe your sudden transition was intentional and might be appealing to others. Thanks for the topic too - been noticing all the new growth around and it always gets the mind creating again, doesn't it.

[benjywenjy]

hey guys

thanks for the feedback

pseud, your likes and dislikes were pretty much my own as well, I think I may rewrite the first verse and some of the dodgy bits you highlighted.

once again thank you

benjy