Small Worlds (revision7)

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Macavity
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Small Worlds (revision7)

Post by Macavity » Mon Aug 10, 2020 12:53 am

revision7

The cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture.

This sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing pleasure

will cost in time. But cuddling on the settee,
the room untethers with T.V. repeats,

a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:
this happiness no careless cough deflates.

Bury the clocks, for time is not the treasure,
crayon your rooms in carefree happiness.








==========================================================

revision6

The cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture.

This sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing pleasure

tots up in time. But cuddling on the settee,
the brig unanchors with cartoon repeats,

a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:
this happiness no careless cough deflates.

Bury the clocks, for time is not the treasure,
crayon your rooms in carefree happiness.




-------------------------------------------------------------------------

revision5

The cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture.

This sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing pleasure

tots up in time. But cuddling on the settee,
the brig unanchors with cartoon repeats,

a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:
this happiness no careless cough deflates.

Unwind the clocks, for time is not our treasure,
and hoist the sails to carefree happiness.



==========================================================

revision4

The cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture,
but being carefree frames our happiness.
This sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing pleasure
tots up in time. And cuddling on the settee,
the brig unanchors with cartoon repeats,
a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:
this happiness no careless cough deflates.
Unwind the clocks, for time is not the treasure.





================================================

revision3

These cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture.

This sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing pleasure

tots up in time. But cuddling on the settee,
the brig unanchors with cartoon repeats,

a brimming glass of grog, no half-life measure:
these Jolly Roger grins no cough deflates.

For being carefree billows happiness,
buries the clocks, for time is not our treasure.



==========================================================

revision2


These cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture.

And sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing pleasure

tots up in time; and cuddling on the settee,
our brig unanchors with cartoon repeats,

a brimming glass of grog, no half-life measure:
these Jolly Roger grins no cough deflates,

for being carefree billows happiness,
buries the clocks, for time is not the treasure.


==================================================

revision

These cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture.

And sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing closure

adds up in time; and cuddling on the settee,
our habitat's a cartoon of repeats,

a brimming glass of grog, no half-life measure:
these Jolly Roger grins no cough deflates,

for being carefree billows happiness
to sail, buries the clocks, finds the treasure.


original

These cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture,
but being carefree frames our happiness.

And sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing closure
adds up in maths; and cuddling on the settee,

our telly habitat a diet of repeats,
a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:
this happiness no careless cough defeats.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Small Worlds

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Aug 10, 2020 10:28 am

.
Hi mac,
very enjoyable read (l2 stands out for me).
Three nits (yes, really): 'habitat' seems to be trying too hard, why not simply habit(s)? (and tv for telly?) The repetition of 'no' in the final verse. And, could L3 be moved to the end? Having it where it is undercuts the terrific opening couplet which deserves space to be appreciated. Drat. Now it's four nits. Put the whole thing in couplets, ...

The cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture,

And sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing closure

adds up in maths. And cuddling on the settee,
our telly habit a diet of repeats,

a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:
this happiness no careless coughing can't defeats

but being carefree frames our happiness.



Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Re: Small Worlds

Post by Macavity » Mon Aug 10, 2020 8:26 pm

Thanks for taking a look Not. And only four nits :) Interesting ones, especially the structural option: I felt this was rather a limp effort and so was hiding in the tercets, but the bolder couplets and shuffle of rhymes are a progression.
'habitat' seems to be trying too hard, why not simply habit(s)? (and tv for telly?)
I'd considered 'habit', but I felt 'repeats' does that job. Not sure, may revisit that one.

best

mac

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Re: Small Worlds (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Aug 11, 2020 12:41 pm

.
Hi mac,
I definitely think couplets are the way to go.
I lose the thread in the second half (from 'and cuddling ...')
which could just be down to the punctuation.

Bit too big a leap, for me, to the (appropriately childlike) pirates,
(after the wine and spaghetti I was expecting something Mediterranean :) )
and the last line really should rhyme with the opening line, I think.

would 'leisure' work for 'closure' ? (struggling with that term)

Our cosy rooms are not made timeless,
removing clocks a childish gesture.

Sharing space - spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubble bath - knowing leisure

adds up in time. We cuddle on the settee
settle for/in to a sitcom of repeats,

brimfuls of wine. No half-life measures
...


Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Re: Small Worlds (revision)

Post by Macavity » Tue Aug 11, 2020 8:25 pm

Thanks for taking another look Not.
would 'leisure' work for 'closure' ? (struggling with that term)
Something of a key word, but perhaps I'm being too ambitious, and your option has an easy logic.
Bit too big a leap, for me, to the (appropriately childlike) pirates,
I was going to reference Pugwash, but there's too much myth baggage there :) Tweaked a tad.

cheers

mac

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Perry
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Re: Small Worlds (revision2)

Post by Perry » Wed Aug 12, 2020 9:58 pm

I gave it a go doing a line-by-line critique, but there are too many lines whose meanings are obscure to me. That may have to do with the fact that I don't know all the British expressions. I do like the closing line, however.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Small Worlds (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Thu Aug 13, 2020 4:48 am

I do like the closing line, however.
Thank you very much Perry. The concluding line concerned me so I appreciate the validation.

all the best

mac

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Re: Small Worlds (revision2)

Post by Amadis » Fri Aug 14, 2020 10:19 am

Treasure Island found in the domestic cabin.
Time, the endless sea we sail.

I like the wistful, yet hopeful tone.

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Re: Small Worlds (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Fri Aug 14, 2020 5:20 pm

Thanks for the thumbs up Amadis. The Welsh are a melancholic tribe, but I do try to battle with the native genes :D

cheers

mac

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Re: Small Worlds (revision4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:35 am

.
Hi mac,
no couplets? Damn and blast yer scurvy eyes!

Wondered about the last line (and the conflict between 'bury' and 'not treasure').
Maybe ditch the rhyme scheme at the end for

this happiness no careless cough deflates.
it is this we treasure. Cast away time.


?

Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Re: Small Worlds (revision4)

Post by Macavity » Sun Aug 16, 2020 3:43 pm

no couplets? Damn and blast yer scurvy eyes!
I just don't feel the poem is good enough for that 'exposure' (though, paradoxically, it does benefit from the format). I'm hiding the weaker lines :D
Wondered about the last line (and the conflict between 'bury' and 'not treasure')
I quite like the 'fun', but I admit it is me (though Perry liked that line too). Will tweak a tad. Possible option:

Cast away time, for clocks are not our treasure

cheers

mac

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Re: Small Worlds (revision5)

Post by Amadis » Sat Aug 22, 2020 4:13 am

i find it interesting and informative
to see your process as the work evolves.
Thanks.

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Re: Small Worlds (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Sat Aug 22, 2020 5:35 am

Thanks Amadis. For me, a workshop doesn't necessarily produce a 'final' version, but it does allow options to be tried out. At some point I like to go back to the original and check the 'progress' (if any :D). I revisit the revision process before sending poems to ezines.

best

mac

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Re: Small Worlds (revision5)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Aug 22, 2020 4:05 pm

.
Hi mac,
the ending still niggles and that 'unwind the clocks' seems too much of an Auden echo.
(Could L9 be framed positively?)
Does one 'hoist the sails to ... ' (as opposed to 'of' or 'for')?

Our cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is a childish gesture.

This sharing space - spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - both knowing pleasure

tots up in time. But cuddling on the settee,
a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:

such satisfactions no careless cough deflates.
for these are ours, these hours our treasure,

weigh the anchor with cartoon repeats,
and hoist the sails to carefree happiness.


Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Re: Small Worlds (revision5)

Post by Macavity » Sat Aug 22, 2020 7:18 pm

Thanks for revisiting Not.
Does one 'hoist the sails to ... ' (as opposed to 'of' or 'for')?
I think it's okay, sailing to a destination, but to be honest the concluding line doesn't cut it (though I'm cutting down on of options)

Will have a think on your suggestion. Helpful as always.

cheers

mac

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Re: Small Worlds (revision6)

Post by Perry » Tue Aug 25, 2020 9:53 pm

I think that you have gradually improved the poem, but I still have trouble following the thread of it.

tots up in time
the brig unanchors with cartoon repeats

Those are the lines I'm having trouble understanding.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Small Worlds (revision7)

Post by Macavity » Wed Aug 26, 2020 2:58 pm

I have revisited those lines Perry.

all the best

mac

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Re: Small Worlds (revision7)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Aug 26, 2020 4:47 pm

.
Hi mac,
like the introduction of 'untethers' (very nice) - but now not sure about the 'But' (L5)
Preferred the sonics of 'tots up' (much more playful/childish),
the ending still isn't working (for me).
Would it still work if you ended on 'deflates' (cut the final couplet entirely)?

The cosy rooms do not become timeless,
removing clocks is just a childish gesture.

This sharing space - a spicy spaghetti
in bed, a bubbly bath - the cost of pleasure

tots up with time. We cuddle on the settee,
the room untethers with TV. repeats,

a brimming glass of wine, no half-life measure:
happiness no careless cough deflates.




Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Re: Small Worlds (revision7)

Post by Macavity » Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:55 pm

Thanks Not. I'm okay with the ending - at this point in time - but tots may make a return in a future moment :)

cheers

mac

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