Henge (revision3)

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Macavity
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Henge (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Fri Jul 31, 2020 2:47 pm

revision3

The stones melting to shadows
melting into stones

And him, back bent, trusting
the ancestors

His sacrifice of her will appease
mudcracked voices

The rattle, chant, and prayer -
shadows that suck stones

What haunted beasts hunger here
and gnaw these runes?

A claw of flame shreds the night
and beckons

Blackens this earth bedded
with bone

The blade that bleeds the moon
must hone to purpose

Beneath the stars his daughter weeps
Will the gods always be men?


==========================================================================

revision2

The stones melting to shadows
melting into stones

And him, back bent, trusting
the ancestors

His sacrifice of her will appease
mudcracked voices

The rattle, chant, and prayer -
shadows that suck stone

What beasts of bone hunger here
and lick these runes?

A claw of flame shreds the night
and beckons

Blackens this earth tombed
with bone

The blade that bleeds the moon
will hone to purpose

Will the gods always be men?

His daughter pleads, quietly, to herself.

====================================================================



revision

The stones melting to shadows
melting into stones

And him, back bent, trusting
faded runes

The blood sacrifice will appease
mudcracked voices

The rattle, chant, and prayer -
shadows sucking the stones

What beasts of bone thirst here
and mouth these runes?

A claw of flame shreds the night
and beckons

Blackens this earth embedded
with bone

The blade that bleeds the moon
will whet his deed

Will the gods always be men?

his daughter pleads, quietly, to herself.


==============================================================

original

The stones melting to shadows
melting into stones

And him, back bent, trusting
faded runes

The blood sacrifice will appease
mudcracked voices

The prayer, the chant, the rattle -
shadows sucking the stones

What beasts of bone thirst here
and mouths these runes?

A claw of flame shreds the night
and beckons

Blackens the earth embedded
with bone

The blade that bleeds the moon
will shape his deed

Will the gods always be men?
his daughter pleads, quietly, to herself.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Henge

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Jul 31, 2020 4:13 pm

.
Hi mac,
ignoring the historical/archaeological accuracy there's a lot to like, especially stanzas 6-8 (they rather outshine the rest). I'm going with a daughter watching the ritual killing of her father (but expect to be holding the wrong end of the stick).

I think S4/L1 is the weakest line, would it work to reverse it?
The rattle, chant, the prayer
the shadows sucking stones


(S5 - shouldn't it be 'mouth'?)

Any way to avoid the repetition of 'runes'?

S8 - 'will shape his deed' seems a bit off, to me.

S9 - Not following how the daughter is pleading to herself?


A little light provocation ...


The stones melting to shadows
melt into stones

And he, back bent, trusting
the sacrifice will appease

mud-cracked voices The rattle,
chant, the prayer-

A claw of flame shreds the night
and beckons

Blackens earth embedded
with their bones

The blade that bleeds the moon
will shape his deed

Will the gods always be men?
his daughter asks the night.


If you ignore the title and 'runes' this has a much more Mesoamerican flavour to it, I think.

Regards, Not



.

Macavity
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Re: Henge

Post by Macavity » Fri Jul 31, 2020 6:00 pm

Thanks Not, many helpful nudges there, infact I'll ponder less and revise a tad now! appreciated.

The daughter is the intended sacrifice.

cheers

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Henge (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Aug 01, 2020 10:30 am

.
Hi mac,
Macavity wrote:
Fri Jul 31, 2020 6:00 pm
The daughter is the intended sacrifice.
I think I prefer my interpretation :)
I found 'him' (L3) ambiguous - he could be bent over the victim/stones or could be the victim bent (chest/heart exposed) backwards over the stones.

L4 - Still unconvinced by 'faded runes' - might not 'old gods/magiks/the old ways' serve?
L5 - perhaps 'satisfy' for 'appease'?
L8 - think 'suck' would be stronger than 'sucking'
Who's asking the question in S5?
L10 - anything better than 'mouth' (doesn't quite work with 'beasts')
L11 - still my favourite part of the piece :)
L13 - not keen on 'embedded' (sonically), strewn or scattered?
(alternatively and blackens this earth, a tomb / of bone ?)
L16 - 'whet' feels too much like a pun, undermining the moment, I think.
L19 - with whom is she pleading? And can one plead with a question?

Just a thought

The blade that bleeds the moon
sharpens his deed

Will the gods always be men?
his daughter silent struggles


Regards, Not.


.

Macavity
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Re: Henge (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Sat Aug 01, 2020 12:17 pm

Thanks for revisiting Not. I seem to be in revision mode :D

I'll ponder on

cheers

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Henge (revision2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Aug 01, 2020 1:25 pm

.
Hi mac,
I appreciate the clarity you've brought with the revisions (doubtless someone will be along soon to say the opposite :) )
I think you could bring a little back in S3, as in
Her sacrifice will appease
their mudcracked voices

(liked 'ancestors, by the way).

You've 'bone' twice (S5,S7), just a suggestion
What charnel beasts hunger here
and gnaw these runes

('lick these runes' sounds awfully close to 'lick these wounds' - deliberate?)
Could you lose the question mark and turn it into an observation? 'What' as emphasis.

Not sure about 'will' (S8), would 'is' work? Or just cut 'will'? (honed to purpose?)

Still don't understand how the daughter can plead to herself.

Just had a (belated) look at the etymology of 'henge' (from 'to hang') - not sure it works with the piece.

Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Re: Henge (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Sat Aug 01, 2020 4:10 pm

Thanks again Not. I've revisted the ending and elsewhere. I think I need to rest the brain cell for now :D

cheers

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Henge (revision3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Aug 01, 2020 4:33 pm

Hi mac,
apart from that questionable question mark in S5, and the title, this one looks good.
Now we wait for someone to say they preferred the original :)
(I think you were right, that the sucked stones should be plural!)

Finding more and more in 'mudcracked voices', either the ancestors in their graves, or
a people suffering a drought, or ...

Like haunted/hunger

One last thought :)


A claw of flame shreds the night
and beckons

Blackens this world bedded
with bone

The stones melting to shadows
melting into stones

And him, back bent, trusting
the ancestors

that sacrifice of her will appease
mudcracked voices

The rattle, chant, and prayer -
shadows that suck stones

The blade that bleeds the moon
must hone to purpose

haunted beasts hunger here
and gnaw these runes

Beneath the stars his daughter weeps
Will the gods always be men?


Regards, Not


.

Macavity
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Posts: 6129
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Henge (revision3)

Post by Macavity » Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:09 pm

Like your ending Not. I'll steal that :D

cheers

mac

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